the addicted brain

3 excerpts from my book TO HELL & BACK on the addicted brain

SEEKING TO TAKE THE EDGE OFFf
Our brain cells, the neurons, communicate with each other via neuro-chemicals such as serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, and GABA. Alcoholics seem to have unstable levels of these neurotransmitters, resulting in unpleasant states such as anxiety and depression. Recent scientific research considers the existence of an alcoholic gene, which causes a lack of dopamine receptors in the addictive brain. This would mean that addicts are predisposed for abnormal pleasure seeking.

Drugs affect the limbic system in the brain, the site of our survival mechanism, and thus change many functions, such as emotions, memory, learning, and appetite. Lacking dopamine receptors, the alcoholic tends to feel “restless, irritable, and discontent” and seeks “to take the edge off” – with some kind of self-medication like alcohol, heroin (or other opiates), marijuana (or other hallucinogens), cocaine (or other stimulants like crack), anti-anxiety medications (benzodiazepines, such as valium), and so on. In response to these chemicals, our brain chemistry changes beyond the desired effect – more or less permanently. The result is addiction; when the drugs wear off, the neurotransmitter levels drop even lower than before – way too low for comfort. Our brain becomes progressively more unbalanced, and we are compelled to drink or use our drugs of choice even in spite of life-threatening circumstances.

Addicts also seek relief behaviorally by trying to numb emotional pain through endorphin release. Endorphins are natural painkillers, producing a state of well-being. Pain, stress, and/or excitement stimulate the brain to release endorphins in an attempt to re-establish the equilibrium. Addicts try to get that through other forms of addiction as well, such as sex addiction, gambling, fighting, excessive working out – anything that promises tension relief, either instantly or after temporarily increasing the tension. Unfortunately, for the alcoholic/addict no amount of activity along these lines is ever sufficient.

In recent years, non-addictive medications have been available to support sobriety. The most commonly used are antidepressants of the SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors – e.g., Prozac) type, which maintain higher levels of serotonin. SNRIs (serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors – e.g., Effexor) act upon two neurotransmitters and can help some alcoholics to feel less depressed, anxious, or obsessive-compulsive.

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) suggests that alcoholism is a spiritual, mental, and physical disease. Spiritual support and guidance through AA, plus psychotherapy, plus medication can be used for treatment. Breathing exercises, prayer, and meditation on a daily basis promote relaxation, which counteracts fear and agitation. It does take some effort, but alcoholics can find permanent relief – as long as they don’t change their mind halfway through the process of recovery…

HEDONISM
Brain research sheds some light on self-destructive addictive behavior, which can seem so incomprehensible. Addictive drugs mimic brain chemicals, which provide pleasurable feelings, and our brain adjusts. As we develop a tolerance, we need more and more drugs to feel O.K. When we don’t have our drugs, we feel horrible – and we experience withdrawal. This is addiction.

The brain releases dopamine, the stuff that makes us feel calm and content as a reward for life-sustaining behaviors; for example, when we respond to hunger with eating, or to thirst with drinking, or to sexual desire with sex, or when we try to protect ourselves from a threat with the “fight-or-flight response.” The addictive brain reacts differently to events and drugs. To drugs, our survival system responds with an extreme dopamine surge, which alters our brain chemistry – so we feel the need to get more, and more, and then more. As a result, the “hedonic set point” rises and we experience our needs with life-threatening urgency until all our actions are devoted to an insatiable hunger for pleasure while we may not care that our life is in danger. Avoiding pain and seeking pleasure, which is originally pro-life, becomes essentially pro-drug.

Addicts have an extreme reaction to things. It starts out with “hedonism” – meaning that seeking pleasure and avoiding pain is our most important pursuit. We begin to take drugs because we want to alter the way we feel. On drugs, remember, we evaluate and learn things differently, and so we create a “perceptual bias.” We think we “have to” do things that are socially unacceptable and we’d rather hide that from others, and so we get defensive. When we feel ashamed we attack and blame everybody else, and so we create different experiences and events as we go along. We can’t show up for our responsibilities and so our life becomes frustrating, confusing, and scary. We aren’t able to follow through with our promises, and people tend to be frustrated with us. We can’t deal with it, and we can’t face people anymore. When we run out of drugs, we become flooded and overwhelmed with agitation, anxiety, depression, and despair. Therefore, we feel that we must avoid acute withdrawal at any price, and procuring a steady drug supply becomes our first priority. Being preoccupied with obtaining and using drugs, our view of reality becomes skewed and things get chaotic.

At this point we have a lot of problems and chaos to deal with, so we really need to get high. By the time we become desperate to maintain our drug supply at any price, we are living in constant chaos and despair. That’s when the drugs usually quit working. Now, no amount of drugs provides the needed relief, and the real-life problems become overwhelming. Joy and happiness are a distant memory, as if from another life. There is no more oblivion from despair. For the “hope to die drug addict,” it’s all about survival for no good reason. Some addicts overdose when they can’t stand the relentless daily struggle anymore. Some of us surrender and choose recovery…

INSANE IN THE MIDBRAIN
No matter how you look at it, addiction is not a smooth ride. We are struggling with something that’s located right in the center of our brain, which makes it impossible to get rid of. However, recovery is an option and that’s really all you need to know. Besides, it is a whole lot easier to live sober than to live with a toxic brain. For one, you can think clearly and so you can take care of things and make decisions that are good for you. You can get a life. That’s good.

In addiction and early recovery, your prefrontal cortex, the brain area of reasoning and decision-making, is somewhat under-active. You can’t think straight and so you may be tempted to do stupid things. As a result, you feel like you don’t know how to “do life” and you get overwhelmed with mundane tasks that healthy people don’t have to think twice about. It takes about ninety days for your brain to reset itself to a more functional level, which is really not so terribly much time, all things considered. This is why you need a lot of guidance, support, and encouragement during this time, so you won’t feel so lost. Alcoholics Anonymous provides all that and you get a chance to change gradually and gain some self-confidence and clarity.

Now to the midbrain, the survival part, the site of the “reward system,” where it’s all about the amount of dopamine available between the neurons in order to feel good. Normally you get a little extra dopamine boost as a “reward for good behavior” – meaning activities that are relevant for survival. Doing the right thing makes us feel good. For addicts, this part is a little fickle, and we don’t get nearly as much dopamine as we like, which is why you have been self-medicating for so long and neglected everything else. In late addiction, nothing matters but catering to the dopamine supply. Unfortunately (and I say this with all my heart), the continued use of addictive substances results in an under-supply of dopamine, and that’s not a good thing – the longer you use drugs, the less they work (as you very well know).

Withdrawal is not a smooth ride, either. Getting clean reduces the available dopamine even more, which feels miserable and there is no way to get around it. However, this stage is time-limited and you will gradually get better, every day. Everybody does, even if it doesn’t feel that way sometimes. Watch out for stress during early recovery, though. You won’t be able to handle it well at all, no matter how cool you think you are. It’s very important to feel safe. That’s why rehabs can be so helpful by giving you some “time out” from the chaos you created. Once you recover, you will find out that you can deal with your problems one step at a time, one day at a time, and with the love and support of other recovering addicts. In sobriety we learn to be kind with ourselves and let others show us how to have a good life.

Gladys Jones, medium

“Since man has lived for such a long period of time on earth, he has formed many links and made many bonds with other souls, who are also endeavoring to make soul growth. These other souls are the same travelers and companions he meets from life to life.”

"All of man's mortal problems involve growth with other souls from the time of his birth until the time of his death."

"With all these with whom he is linked, man has unfinished matters, delayed solutions, imperfect understandings, or, perhaps,
ignored responsibilities handed to him again out of his recent and remote lives. These may be the retroactive matters which, if he wishes to mature, must be faced and cannot be ignored any longer."

"Feelings of aversion, enmity, hate or those of sentiment, affection, passion and love, which have not been depleted, will run their course and form ties between man and others. Love and hate are examples of the strongest feelings earthman knows, and until either is exhausted, they will have a compelling influence upon the life. These feelings flow and spread outward and follow man out of his past into the present and future until they have been spent, and having served their purpose, they no longer overwhelm man"

The Flowering Tree - Gladys Jones, medium, author

Kahlil Gibran - On Children

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love
But not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies,
But not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
But seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. -
Kahlil Gibran - The Prophet

Hungry Ghost

“Poisonous may be how I express myself. It may be all I have right now.” – speaker at AA meeting

She told me that she had been raped fifteen times and immediately convinced herself that I was blaming her for it – a tragedy, any way you look at it. She never tired of making it a point to let me and everybody else know that I was bad and wrong.

Michelle was a very beautiful, intelligent, and charming woman with outrageously long and thick brown Rapunzel fairy tale hair. She had the same spectacular violet-blue eyes as her “big daddy”, whom she loved more than anybody, and whom she bugged on a daily basis with incessant phone calls to complain. Her mother was a colorless, very skinny, scared and weak looking woman, a sober alcoholic, who called her precious, and would get instant nose bleeds in response to any stress. They didn’t seem related.

Michelle wrote lovely and moving poems about her pain and death wish. The effect she had on others was often difficult and hurtful, and tended to consume their attention and energy. She was tireless in her effort to dominate people’s minds by casting blame. Last week, when she died with a needle in her arm from a heroin overdose (a pain killer), she was twenty-one years old …

Labeling her with a personality disorder doesn’t seem appropriate at this point. She was like a colorful bird with broken wings. She couldn’t fly and she couldn’t stand the pain caused by her condition, so she tried to inflict it on others. Her anguish was the dominant presence within and she just didn’t know what else to do with it. So she didn’t like for others to feel confident or useful, either, and she spent her days interfering with their comfort level. It didn’t help.

Children hunger for love and affection. In order to thrive, they must be emotionally nurtured. If it doesn’t happen in such a way that it’s good enough, the sense of lack can turn into something like a frustrated hungry ghost within. No matter how the adult child tries to satisfy it with sex, love, food, or drugs… it remains an insatiable desire, because the hunger that once was, cannot be satisfied at a later point in time. The window closed. It’s like a wound that has not been attended to at the time and has not healed properly as a consequence. IF this can be understood as the illusion that it is, the person can finally begin to deal with it in reality – by owning it as a troubling condition, an affliction that requires proper treatment.

In trying to find the lesson she brought along when our paths crossed… I’m remembering that we cannot be happy and aggressive at the same time. This means that aggressive people do deserve our compassion, even though self-love dictates that we maintain self-care whenever necessary and do not invite abuse. If we must be exposed to it on a professional level… it’s helpful to keep in mind that this type of character typically behaves in this manner. Do not take things personally and set clear and polite boundaries. Keep in mind that we cannot change or fix this person.

I was reminded that there is much room for improvement, and to bring along ALL I got when I go out. I’m remembering that blaming means essentially that pain is being projected out. While it’s hurtful to others, it doesn’t really do any good.

I’m meant to keep my attention on understanding, compassion, and gratitude – on how I go about weaving my spirit into life. Sometimes it can be about showing some support to others who are also affected.

Rest in peace, Michelle. I’m releasing you with love.

“…there wasn’t much that I had done to deserve what happened to me when I was five, but I took this shit and punished OTHER people for it… and that’s my part in it” – speaker at AA meeting

A Terrorist

A terrorist is a terrorist is a fanatic – a pathologically aggressive person looking for a venue to express destructive urges in order to replace a sense of crushing helplessness with the illusion of power and superiority.
S/he over-identifies with some religious or national interest. Victims are more or less arbitrarily chosen, mostly with respect to their availability.
Who is superior to whom?
Convictions can be erroneous and misguided and ought to be doubted and replaceable.... since we are ignorant and flawed. All of us.
Not a big believer in blaming whole nations, races or religious groups. Not a big fan of hurting and killing people. Not seeing judgments of others as such great fun.
Better to look at my own behavior TODAY and how I can use what I got to bring a little love & hope.
Take a break form awaiting the Apocalyptic horsemen for today and have a lovely Sunday! Will you?
Just sayin’.

book signing @ Barnes & Noble 9/29/2010

TO CELEBRATE NATIONAL RECOVERY MONTH
AUTHORS WILL SPEAK AT WESTSIDE PAVILLION BARNES & NOBLE


In celebration of National Recovery Month, Writers in Treatment and Central Recovery Press present an evening of readings on Wednesday, September 29, at 7:30 pm, at Barnes and Noble, 10850 W. Pico Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90064.

Featured authors include:

Tom Catton, author of The Mindful Addict, a memoir which details Catton’s experiences in the 60s and his eventual move away from drugs towards the practice of meditation and introspection. His ‘story’ appears in a twelve-step fellowship text with more than seven million copies in circulation around the world.

Jasmin Rogg, author of To Hell and Back, a practical adjunct to the twelve-step approach to recovery. Using her background as a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a Master’s degree in counseling psychology, Rogg helps her readers awaken to a recovery filled with gratitude, serenity and a meaningful connection to life.
www.jasminrogg.com
Recovery blog: http://voiceofrecovery.blogspot.com/

Follow Tom on tour:
Weblog: http://www.centralrecoverypress.com/books/themindfuladdict/
Twitter: @MindfulAddict

The authors will read from their books and sign copies, available for purchase.
Contact: Lisa Kingsley, 818

Thoughts on the 51st Sutra

51st Sutra:
“On joyously seeing a long absent friend, permeate this joy.”


***

This teaching suggests to fully attend to the momentary feeling. It appears as though the friend is bringing the joy. At other times an external source may seemingly bring a feeling of anger or sadness – but in reality, all these feelings reside within and can manifest in response to an event, which brings them out into the open. We are taught to pay attention to these aspects of ourselves. As a result we raise our awareness of ourselves and cease to be at the mercy of stormy emotions.

***

mental chatter processes behaviors and events
and helps us to mature and learn from our experiences.

for some of us…
the inner voice turns into a merciless judge...
a tireless inner sadist who tires us out.

if that happens there is not much fun to be had…
mental anguish and anxiety wear us down.

some seek oblivion…
trying to escape through distractions and chemical means,
insisting on unfulfilled expectations and their own victim role,
demanding to get what they don't have.

If we lack self-love...
we may attempt to substitute with the love of others...
or at least some sex, drama, and excitement.

even though this has never worked beyond a fleeting moment...
we don't give up... we keep on banging our heads
against a door that cannot open... it's just a stage prop.

please keep in mind… that it's all about you...
about working out your fate
and weaving your spirit into life.

you can benefit from entering the momentary feeling...
whatever it may be...
rather than suppressing it when it's unpleasant -

allow it to be what it is. feel the feeling. attend to it.
breathe into it… in and out, in and out, …
hold it. embrace it. it’s your truth. for now.

find who you are. this is the way.

***

Also check out the 51st Sutra of Vigyan Bhairav Tantra:
Sutra =
Buddhist teaching in aphoristic form (laconic and cryptic).
Vigyan Bhairav Tantra =
ancient text of 112 techniques of meditation.

aura

The Eighth Chakra
This is the energy of the aura. Our body is surrounded by a radiant electromagnetic field that extends up to nine feet. The color associated with this chakra is white, although the aura can take on different colors depending on our mental, physical, and spiritual condition. Essentially we are our own little world - our own center of gravity. The goal is for the spirit to become stronger than the body – that is true power, the power to perform miracles. The term charisma pertains to someone’s particularly powerful radiance.

All of the messages carried on our neural pathways are transmitted electrically. Raising our consciousness changes our biochemistry. Welcoming and accepting reality as being exactly the way it is supposed to be is most empowering for our spirit. Aligned with the Divine Forces we don’t waste our energy on resistance. A focus on bringing love and joy to the world is best for our own empowerment. As a result our energy state is most vibrant and powerful, magnetically drawing people and things to us, and repelling negativity.

Dwelling in judgment of reality, criticism of human nature, and resistance to fate deplete our system of vital energy, because it is futile. As a result we become anxious and/or depressed, which can make us so weak that we become almost invisible. Anger is the attempt to make ourselves seen and heard - to artificially fake power when we feel that we have none. As a result we repel people and things, which increases our sense of powerlessness. Try to remember that your power could be used so much better – to your benefit as well as the benefit of others. No matter what’s going on in your life, you are whole, you are complete, and you are enough. You are a Divine child of God, equipped with all that it takes to make it through your earthly experience. Your aura will attract precisely what you need in your life so you can grow and evolve – if you don’t interfere with it. Look at an enemy, friend, or teacher for the message they are carrying for you. Look at all experiences as lessons – your joy shows you when you are on the right path. Your emotional pain may be telling you that you have hit a wall because you lost your way - listen to it. Poisoning your system with chemicals or low-grade emotions interferes with your ability to deal with whatever the problem is. On the spiritual path we seek to do the right thing – it’s not about having found certainty in all matters.

You can actually increase the brightness, strength, and vitality of your aura just by thinking about it. Your radiance is strongest and most vibrant when you are doing what you came here to do, when you find your purpose. You cannot know it all just yet. That’s what your life is for.

The spiritual path is about seeking a Higher Power, not about having found it.

When the Student is Ready…

• Needed to find an extra sponsor. Found T.
• This is what she did:
Gave me time + suggestions,
Then released me so I would not feel guilty that I was done
• This is what she tried to teach me:
Adhere to rules, set boundaries all around. Didn’t work for me.
• This is what I know:
It’s on me to figure out, why I invited her into my life
i.e. what’s the lesson here? –
And to leave her in a better way than she was when she met me
• This is what I learned:
Reminder to be grateful for all the good in my life –
claim it, own it, utilize it
Reminder of the importance of being a patient + quiet listener
(working on improving that skill …)
Reminder of the power of bringing love + confidence
to the (any) occasion
Reminder to stand up for myself when indicated…
and she demonstrated what happens when I don’t own my power…
Showed me a mirror to see who I am (feeling good about it)
The importance of self-care rather than co-dependent vagueness
• Did she know what she was teaching me? Don’t think so
• Does it matter? Of course not
Thank you for your tea, time, and teachings.
I am releasing you with love, gratitude, and blessings

free WHRC workshop

Any plans for Saturday afternoon?
If you don't - why don't you come to…

FREE workshop on Saturday, July 17 at 3:00 - 4:00
at The West Hollywood Recovery Center
Presented by Jasmin Rogg, MA, MFT

Theme:
HOW TO HAVE FEELINGS & STAY SOBER AT THE SAME TIME

Topic:
How to Have a Relationship & Stay Sober at the Same Time

Bring your partner, friend, or enemy, too...

This is a practical adjunct to 12-Step Recovery Programs.
Jasmin's workshop addresses the reorientation...
of gradually replacing self-destructive behaviors...
and creating the life you want


THE WEST HOLLYWOOD RECOVERY CENTER
626 N. Robertson Blvd., West Hollywood
Visit our Website: www.thewhrc.org
Join our Facebook Group

Jasmin Rogg, M.A., M.F.T.
Psychotherapy
337 South Beverly Drive # 101, Beverly Hills
310 - 617 -9324
www.jasminrogg.com
http://voiceofrecovery.blogspot.com/

sublime

The Seventh Chakra
This is the energy of higher consciousness. Located at the top of the head, this chakra can be understood as the entry point of the life force, which energizes the major body systems, the central nervous system, and the skin. Its color is violet. It represents our connection to a Higher Power, which we address with prayer and meditation - in prayer we speak to God, during meditation we listen. Spirituality contains the energy of grace - we build up good energy with kind thoughts and actions, based on faith, compassion, and prayer.

The primary strength at this level is faith in the presence of the Divine. The primary fear at this level is the fear of spiritual abandonment, expressed in the notion “God is dead”, and resulting in loss of connectedness, and lack of meaning. At this level we are required to welcome our fate – and release the belief that things could or should have been otherwise. While enduring difficulties – we get the chance to overcome them. As we live through pain we can learn the importance of kindness, compassion, and respect. We can choose not to do onto others what we don’t want done onto us.

Spiritual awakening is usually the result of having gone through some hellish experience. Since we don’t seek God when we dwell in the light – we may have to find him in the darkness. Most of us only resort to prayer when we are faced with insurmountable tasks, life-threatening fears, or heart-breaking loneliness. By walking through these experiences we may become willing to give up the known – and break through to a higher level of consciousness.

It is part of life to endure doubt – we must make our choices without knowing why things are the way they are and how it will all play itself out. Even the Masters had to face confusion and indecision on their spiritual path; it didn’t come easy for them, either. None of us know without the shadow of a doubt what we came to earth for – and yet we must find a way to do life. No one is given the promise of a life of bliss. Our perception changes through overcoming extreme challenges. While we face our fears alone – we may find that we are not alone, after all. The truth is that we are on a spiritual path whether we are aware of it or not – all of us. It is our conscious awareness of it that makes all the difference.

It is not the result of what we do, but the surrender to the Divine Forces that matters. In order to rise above an ordinary mundane existence we undergo a transformation – and understand that our essence is spirit, which temporarily dwells in a physical body. We are required to call our spirit back from attachments again and again. We let go and become whole. And so we move on and remember our true nature. Pain alone is not enough - we are meant to bring everything we got... bold courage and faithful surrender… and don’t forget - the metamorphosis from an earthbound to a sublime being does require some weightlessness at the right moment. That’s what it takes.

“… and when you come to the precipice of all you have known, and you must jump into the unknown,
faith is knowing that you will find solid ground under your feet or you will learn how to fly. This is the leap of faith.”
Quote on AIDS blanket

mindful

The Sixth Chakra
This is the energy of the mind. The sixth chakra is the “third eye”, located at the center of the forehead. Physically, this chakra encompasses brain, mind, intelligence, and the eyes. The color associated with the sixth chakra is indigo. Your consciousness is what sets you apart from the primitive state of animals. Cherish your consciousness – it is the most evolved part of your being, although you might benefit from letting it mature a bit while you’re here on earth. The challenge at this level involves integration of mind, emotions, and spirit – what we know, what we believe, what we remember, what we fear, what we wish. At this level we begin to develop intuition and wisdom through opening our mind to a higher truth. We are free to choose - and we must live with the consequences of our actions.

Confusion and limiting beliefs are the shadow side of the sixth chakra - the opposite of intuition. Thought precedes form – thoughts turn into feelings, which prompt us to act, and consequently others do react to our behavior. In response to faulty perceptions, delusions, and illusions we create an ongoing toxic emotional climate, which doesn’t allow us to respond constructively to reality. For example - when we habitually think scary thoughts, we experience persistent anxiety, which prompts us to withdraw – and so we get stuck in an unhappy and limited world of our own creation. If we are lost in confusion, we create chaos. If we’re in the habit of indulging in self-obsessed neediness, we create dependency and powerlessness. It would be wise to attend to our thought content so that we can adjust and correct it if necessary – and won’t go through life creating what we do not want. By raising our awareness we learn to detach from illusions and see the symbolic meaning below the surface of things.

Ordination represents our calling in this life, some form of service to others – as a teacher, friend, healer, mother, and so on. You find it by going with what you love – with the intention of bringing love and joy. Put your attention to making a contribution – and you counteract your own fear, anger, and/or depression. Just think of bringing something good to the world. It doesn’t have to be the biggest or best. The contribution of a loyal housekeeper can be more important than an ambitious piece of art.

You have not been given your magnificent mind to obliterate and poison it – oblivion never ever delivers solutions. Listen to your inner voice in meditation and you will hear your intuition. Look for meaning and you will tap into your inner wisdom. You are exactly where you are supposed to be for the next step on your spiritual path. No matter how you feel – if you watch, listen, and learn from everything – you promote clarity and find YOUR way to move on. If you can remember to look at all experiences as opportunities to mature and evolve – you will find peace of mind. There are no mistakes.

Use your knowledge!

I'm better than you and I want to be dead

LETTER FROM A SPONSEE IN BEIRUT:
I'm just checking in with you.
I'm okay, still a little fragile and emotional. I hit my head on the corner of a cubbord, not hard, but it made me cry like a baby,...dont know what happened. It must have triggered some unidentified feeling, as I just had a uncontrollable crying session.
Then today I woke up crying again after nightmares that I had amounted to nothing and became a big nothing, the feeling lingered with me all day. My family has been supportive and reminded me how far I've come since rehab and that I'm not nothing.
As far as meetings here, haven't found one, and even the Internet is so slow at our hotel to get online meetings. So I'm just reading and praying and going for walks and trying to be gentle and patient with myself.
Apart from these episodes I have been happy to be here and enjoying myself and all the food and experiences are amazing. I feel very lucky to be here and see all of this.
I think you were right, I am totally afraid of becoming mediocre and not something exceptional. Its just that I always thought I would achieve something amazing, while now I'm just making it through the day .
Anyway I love you Jasmine and I do believe, if I just stay sober, everything will follow.
Talk soon again. xxxxxx

MY REPLY:
Good to hear from you. Very proud of you. I totally relate to these crying spells... That's good - your body releases oxytocin - which makes you feel better.

H. was always so afraid of not being great with his artwork... that he
ended up not doing the things he was talented to do. He is such a
good artist, but paralyzes himself. Same goes for L. and his guitar
playing - the comparison to his brother was an insurmountable
obstacle. Now that they're old - it has become obvious that none of
this would have mattered at all!

Our desire to be better is a remnant of our primate nature, where it
was a good thing to be alpha male and female, ensure a powerful
position within the tribe (or pack) and attract a strong partner in
order to have healthy offspring and be capable of raising them, too.
In our global village such instinctual pursuits have become absurdly
unobtainable. Rock stars stand out from the crowd - but for what?
Certainly not for successful living, right? Being outstanding is not a
recipe for emotional health and happiness.

Meanwhile, the need to be great is the opposite of humility - it's
grandiosity - and it's a spiritual error - because life CANNOT be
about being better that the others - it's about loving them -
connecting and creating - showing up for your people like you are
doing on this trip - and living this moment as it presents itself.

It's only about the experience of being you and doing what you can
on this day today. The path is the goal - it's about the joy of
breathing and moving through life.

"I'm better than you and I want to be dead" - is what I heard a guy
say at rehab when I was new. I think that about sums it up, don't you
think?

Sending love & blessings

... and the word became flesh

The Fifth Chakra

This is the energy of will power, judgment, and choice - of your truth. Physically, the fifth chakra is located at the throat, including neck, shoulders, mouth, nose and ears. Its color is blue. Through verbal expression we present our feelings and thoughts to others, thereby integrating heart and mind. Thoughts that you maintain and even more so your spoken statements can have a lasting effect on your life. Words do matter and they resonate back to you like an echo. You become what you think and say.

From a spiritual perspective, our highest good is accomplished by turning our will and our life over to a Higher Power. By living in accordance with the Divine Forces we walk the path of least resistance: take what is given, listen to what is being taught, and appreciate what appears on our path. Riding the waves of life by being aligned with these Forces relieves us of conflict. We can learn to listen to our own intuition to guide us on the spiritual path. The essence of the fifth chakra is faith. At this level we begin to understand that fear creates mountains, while faith removes them.

As you learn about your will power, you go through painful struggles. You may fall prey to the illusion that forcing your will onto others would bring you happiness… If you invest your spirit in manipulations, deceit, illusions, or denial – you’re straying from the right path - and you cause confusion and suffering (for yourself and/or others) in the process. Lying means that you compromise your own truth for something that seems more important – and you will pay a price for it…

The most costly energy consequences come from acting out of fear - while you act on the illusion that what you fear is true. With this you manifest your fears. Or your fear might tell you that you must defend yourself and attack. When you are angry and aggressive, you feel a flush of energy – this is your spirit leaving your body and attaching itself to the object of your judgment… not a good thing, you need it with you. Practice restraint of tongue, pen, and email – especially when you’re upset and agitated. When vicious words hit a desperate person – they can kill.

Direct your will to the highest common good – and make yourself useful. We don’t live long enough to waste too much time with destruction, revenge, or other spiritual errors. Stand up for yourself, so you do not build resentments - they get registered in your cell tissue and make you sick – as a result of overwhelming negativity in the system. In confession you can purge yourself and return to humility. You are not expected to live flawlessly without ever erring BUT you must learn from your mistakes if you are to move on.

Close your eyes, use your will, and command your spirit back from places, thoughts, or fears you have sent it to. Imagine your thoughts coming back from judgments. Being judgmental is a spiritual error – letting go of it and looking for compassion instead is so much more helpful. Think before you speak – so you avoid confusing and polluting someone’s mind with senseless rambling verbalizations. Sometimes it can be an act of love not to say anything. Use kind words – it is so much better to give hope than pain. Always remember that your words are creative!

“In the beginning was the word, and the word became flesh” - Book of Genesis

heart chakra

The Fourth Chakra
This is the energy of love. Physically, the fourth chakra is located at the center of the chest. Energetically, it is connected to our heart and circulatory system, breasts, lungs, shoulders, arms and hands. It is associated with the color green. Every sentiment emanates from the heart center. That is why it is the most powerful chakra and can be dangerous if not guided properly. We mess up our life mostly because of our heart, our passion. When we are imbalanced in our heart chakra, we tend to become overly attached to some object of affection. The goal is to be nurturing towards another person while receiving nurturing in return, as well. We have to love ourselves first, look for beauty in all things, and seek emotional balance – so we create harmony instead of getting caught up in chaos.

Fourth chakra energy is pure power. Put your attention towards hope, confidence, compassion, and acceptance. Think love. Shine your light freely. We lose power by investing in low-grade emotions such as fear, despair, hate, envy, and jealousy. The “wounded child” within holds painful memories and turns them into negative attitudes, which, in turn, shape our behavior. This is how we perpetuate our childhood pain. We create what we fear most, i.e. abandonment can turn into fear of abandonment, which can turn into fear of commitment, which tends to create abandonment. People stay out of balance to get negative attention when they feel that their life is worth nothing without the love they crave. This can be the reason why people don’t heal – in essence they sacrifice their life on the altar of love. A better solution is to live life with the attitude of “what would love do now?” and do that. When you give love you are always surrounded by love.

Whenever you feel the need to control another person … let go … pull your spirit back … remind yourself to do what it takes to nurture and heal yourself instead. Healing is possible through acts of forgiveness. Our wounds do not hurt the people who hurt us - they hurt only us. Resentments keep us from becoming whole and moving on. Self-love means caring for ourselves enough to forgive people in our past and allow our wounds to heal. Within all experiences, no matter how painful, lie spiritual insights. At the fourth chakra level we get to know ourselves through our emotions – when we have strayed and have been hurt too much, we may even find that it’s time to change. Don’t be surprised when others don’t do what you want at all times – it’s not their task to be there for you. Loving others means to allow them to be what they are – even when they aren’t fulfilling what you think your needs are. It is your task to give love freely and joyfully – with self-respect, but without expectations to get anything back.

Live Love

personal

The Third Chakra
The third chakra is the energy of personal power, ego, personality, intuition, and self-esteem. Physically, it is believed to be located around the navel center, encompassing the digestive system, liver, pancreas, kidneys and the adrenals. Its color is yellow.

In order for our spirit to thrive we must develop integrity. We do this by following our internal honor code – like giving our word and keeping it, too.

How you feel about yourself determines the quality of your life. This includes your capacity to succeed in your endeavors and appreciate it when you do. As you develop a sense of self, your intuitive voice becomes your inner source of guidance. At this level you are meant to develop the power of endurance required for healing, maturation, and success. A person with a well-developed third chakra is usually energetic, organized, and goal-oriented. Along with this comes a well-developed sense of will power, commitment, personal strength, and stamina. The ability to handle a crisis, the courage to take risks, as well as strength of character are associated with this level.

A person with weak third-chakra activity tends to be scattered, unfocused, without the energy to achieve their goals, and consequently frustrated or angry – as their life lacks meaning. Anger is the shadow emotion of the third chakra, as is fear of rejection and all insecurities about one’s appearance. If you give in to temptations and act out on these emotions, going through life inflicting pain and humiliation on your people, you compromise your spirit. Disrespecting yourself and others in this manner breaks your strength. While you might think that you’re are despising others… you won’t be able to respect or love yourself and you may end up sabotaging your own happiness without even knowing it. This is the path of self-destruction and addiction.

Accept yourself the way you are. You won’t ever be anyone else. The challenge at this level is to find your truth and live accordingly. Deceit, manipulation, and lies compromise your inner clarity and power. Raise your awareness to the consequences of your actions and you will see that you cannot really afford wasting your lifetime on such activities. Nothing should be more important than following your own intuitions. Avoid confusing yourself with excessive diversions and illusions. Make your choices based on acceptance of current reality rather than resentments about yesterday’s rain. Do the right thing according to your own inner wisdom – and you won’t have regrets. Play your cards right and avoid doing foolish things to be ashamed of - and you won’t feel ashamed. Lead a life where you can respect yourself – and you won’t have to rely on others for approval. Life presents you with chances – be present and attend to the moment, so you won’t miss them. They may not come again. Use the gifts you have been given for manifesting your dreams - instead of envying others who do. You will build self-esteem by doing estimable acts.

If this sounds like a bit much – do it only for today. You have the rest of your life to practice it. Living your truth is not really negotiable, don’t you think? If that means that right now your truth is that you feel insecure or confused or whatever it is - so be it. Own it! That’s where your power is.

Richmond Walker writes, “Happiness is a by-product of living the right kind of life, of doing the right thing. Do not search for happiness, search for right living and happiness will be your reward.” – Twenty-Four Hours a Day

shame group 7th

Q: How does a shame-based self get expressed in relationships and sexual behavior?

Childhood:
Parents were not really present
Didn’t get what I needed – no encouragement and support
They wanted me to do something I couldn’t do
lack of love, safety, guidance
lack of being understood and accepted for who I am –
Parents wanted me to be something that I am not -
what they wanted me to be – I couldn’t be that
Parents tried to live vicariously through me - I was forced to do things I didn’t like
Mom was competitive with me – no boundaries – wanted me to be very skinny
Mom was passive-aggressive
If I did anything good – my mom got depressed, saying she couldn’t do that
Learned shame-based attitude about own body and sexual organs in childhood

Attitude:
if someone has good self-esteem they behave totally differently than I do
Need drugs for sex
Suppress the mental side of sex – disconnect
98% of the people I had sex with – I would not do it sober
desperate for love – take whatever – whenever I can get it -
vicious self talk on the day after
I’m always trying to think about her
I’m always trying to say something to make everyone O.K.

Process:
sexual conduct causes shame – causes denial – causes more self-destruction and annihilation – vicious cycle
start out with shame-based self – manifest it – revictimize myself like in childhood
if someone loves me – I treat them like shit – lose respect for them because they treat me with love - as if love is some kind of weakness – as if they are stupid and don’t really know me
if I love someone it’s mostly because they treat me like shit – want to have sex all the time

Identified 2 distinct positions:
1) hyper-sexual sex-addict mode:
Sex is all I’m good at – hitting, whipping, biting
I’m disgusting, I’m shit, I’m a disgusting slut bag
I don’t get disgusted - nurse Trixie role
Amazon woman – not vulnerable – masculine active role
Have to perform sex for love
Over-anxious – “eager beaver” – trying too hard – being sexy is really important

2) hypo-sexual isolater mode:
Can’t connect sexually
don’t feel clear about it
get disgusted over other people’s body fluids

Homework:
Balance with meditation on second or third chakra, breathe, and listen to the wind...