Q: How does a shame-based self get expressed in relationships and sexual behavior?
Childhood:
Parents were not really present
Didn’t get what I needed – no encouragement and support
They wanted me to do something I couldn’t do
lack of love, safety, guidance
lack of being understood and accepted for who I am –
Parents wanted me to be something that I am not -
what they wanted me to be – I couldn’t be that
Parents tried to live vicariously through me - I was forced to do things I didn’t like
Mom was competitive with me – no boundaries – wanted me to be very skinny
Mom was passive-aggressive
If I did anything good – my mom got depressed, saying she couldn’t do that
Learned shame-based attitude about own body and sexual organs in childhood
Attitude:
if someone has good self-esteem they behave totally differently than I do
Need drugs for sex
Suppress the mental side of sex – disconnect
98% of the people I had sex with – I would not do it sober
desperate for love – take whatever – whenever I can get it -
vicious self talk on the day after
I’m always trying to think about her
I’m always trying to say something to make everyone O.K.
Process:
sexual conduct causes shame – causes denial – causes more self-destruction and annihilation – vicious cycle
start out with shame-based self – manifest it – revictimize myself like in childhood
if someone loves me – I treat them like shit – lose respect for them because they treat me with love - as if love is some kind of weakness – as if they are stupid and don’t really know me
if I love someone it’s mostly because they treat me like shit – want to have sex all the time
Identified 2 distinct positions:
1) hyper-sexual sex-addict mode:
Sex is all I’m good at – hitting, whipping, biting
I’m disgusting, I’m shit, I’m a disgusting slut bag
I don’t get disgusted - nurse Trixie role
Amazon woman – not vulnerable – masculine active role
Have to perform sex for love
Over-anxious – “eager beaver” – trying too hard – being sexy is really important
2) hypo-sexual isolater mode:
Can’t connect sexually
don’t feel clear about it
get disgusted over other people’s body fluids
Homework:
Balance with meditation on second or third chakra, breathe, and listen to the wind...
Childhood:
Parents were not really present
Didn’t get what I needed – no encouragement and support
They wanted me to do something I couldn’t do
lack of love, safety, guidance
lack of being understood and accepted for who I am –
Parents wanted me to be something that I am not -
what they wanted me to be – I couldn’t be that
Parents tried to live vicariously through me - I was forced to do things I didn’t like
Mom was competitive with me – no boundaries – wanted me to be very skinny
Mom was passive-aggressive
If I did anything good – my mom got depressed, saying she couldn’t do that
Learned shame-based attitude about own body and sexual organs in childhood
Attitude:
if someone has good self-esteem they behave totally differently than I do
Need drugs for sex
Suppress the mental side of sex – disconnect
98% of the people I had sex with – I would not do it sober
desperate for love – take whatever – whenever I can get it -
vicious self talk on the day after
I’m always trying to think about her
I’m always trying to say something to make everyone O.K.
Process:
sexual conduct causes shame – causes denial – causes more self-destruction and annihilation – vicious cycle
start out with shame-based self – manifest it – revictimize myself like in childhood
if someone loves me – I treat them like shit – lose respect for them because they treat me with love - as if love is some kind of weakness – as if they are stupid and don’t really know me
if I love someone it’s mostly because they treat me like shit – want to have sex all the time
Identified 2 distinct positions:
1) hyper-sexual sex-addict mode:
Sex is all I’m good at – hitting, whipping, biting
I’m disgusting, I’m shit, I’m a disgusting slut bag
I don’t get disgusted - nurse Trixie role
Amazon woman – not vulnerable – masculine active role
Have to perform sex for love
Over-anxious – “eager beaver” – trying too hard – being sexy is really important
2) hypo-sexual isolater mode:
Can’t connect sexually
don’t feel clear about it
get disgusted over other people’s body fluids
Homework:
Balance with meditation on second or third chakra, breathe, and listen to the wind...