I'm better than you and I want to be dead

I'm just checking in with you.
I'm okay, still a little fragile and emotional. I hit my head on the corner of a cubbord, not hard, but it made me cry like a baby,...dont know what happened. It must have triggered some unidentified feeling, as I just had a uncontrollable crying session.
Then today I woke up crying again after nightmares that I had amounted to nothing and became a big nothing, the feeling lingered with me all day. My family has been supportive and reminded me how far I've come since rehab and that I'm not nothing.
As far as meetings here, haven't found one, and even the Internet is so slow at our hotel to get online meetings. So I'm just reading and praying and going for walks and trying to be gentle and patient with myself.
Apart from these episodes I have been happy to be here and enjoying myself and all the food and experiences are amazing. I feel very lucky to be here and see all of this.
I think you were right, I am totally afraid of becoming mediocre and not something exceptional. Its just that I always thought I would achieve something amazing, while now I'm just making it through the day .
Anyway I love you Jasmine and I do believe, if I just stay sober, everything will follow.
Talk soon again. xxxxxx

Good to hear from you. Very proud of you. I totally relate to these crying spells... That's good - your body releases oxytocin - which makes you feel better.

H. was always so afraid of not being great with his artwork... that he
ended up not doing the things he was talented to do. He is such a
good artist, but paralyzes himself. Same goes for L. and his guitar
playing - the comparison to his brother was an insurmountable
obstacle. Now that they're old - it has become obvious that none of
this would have mattered at all!

Our desire to be better is a remnant of our primate nature, where it
was a good thing to be alpha male and female, ensure a powerful
position within the tribe (or pack) and attract a strong partner in
order to have healthy offspring and be capable of raising them, too.
In our global village such instinctual pursuits have become absurdly
unobtainable. Rock stars stand out from the crowd - but for what?
Certainly not for successful living, right? Being outstanding is not a
recipe for emotional health and happiness.

Meanwhile, the need to be great is the opposite of humility - it's
grandiosity - and it's a spiritual error - because life CANNOT be
about being better that the others - it's about loving them -
connecting and creating - showing up for your people like you are
doing on this trip - and living this moment as it presents itself.

It's only about the experience of being you and doing what you can
on this day today. The path is the goal - it's about the joy of
breathing and moving through life.

"I'm better than you and I want to be dead" - is what I heard a guy
say at rehab when I was new. I think that about sums it up, don't you

Sending love & blessings