My Story
“I will never forgive you for what I have done to you” – quote, unknown author
I wish I could tell you otherwise… but I have never been a sunny girl, not even when I was little. During her pregnancy my mother vomited until she had to be hospitalized. Let’s just say that I was desperately unwanted at the time. Did it permanently affect her unborn baby? Who knows these things for sure? What we do know is that my mom’s continued anguish would have exposed me to a somewhat toxic prenatal environment; and then there’s epigenetics, which describes that extreme emotional experiences are passed on genetically.
I felt lost, like a displaced person, and they gave me the striped passport as "Foreigner Without Home Country".
It was post-war Germany and my folks were Romanian refugees, traumatized by WWII, the Holocaust, and unimaginable circumstances on their trip over the snow-covered Carpathian Mountains on a horse carriage (one of the two horses died on the road). In Salzburg, Austria my beautiful teenage mother quickly fell in love with a handsome Jewish man who spoke her language. When he left for Munich, Germany, she followed him… Unmarried and pregnant at twenty-one she sent a letter to her mother in Austria, “If you want to see me alive, come NOW”. So my grandma came to the rescue and never left. She ran the household while my parents tried to get a go at things. My dad would ride his bicycle around in the rain, selling nylon stockings until he almost died of pneumonia. Although he eventually became a successful businessman, an anxious poverty consciousness was transmitted to me. My family’s legacy was a sense for moving on, in search for greener pastures, and not looking back too soon…
I was essentially on my own. They loved me a lot, but they were busy. They would tease me for crying, “Oh look, the little mimosa, there she goes again”... and my mom did spank me a couple of times for lying. I would feel so humiliated and insulted that I would not talk to her for days… and it resulted in my compulsive need to tell the truth (I do have to make a deliberate effort to avoid unnecessary disclosures…).
In elementary school I concluded that I am stupid. It never occurred to me that other kids might be getting some help with their schoolwork. My grandma didn’t really know how to help me with my little issues and neither did I know how to tell her about things. I felt ridiculously out of place. I fantasized about being invisible and being able to walk through walls. It didn’t happen… Noticing that adults seemed inflicted with a condition of collective amnesia regarding the hardships that must be endured during childhood, I made a pact with myself to remember my childhood suffering... And I do - my heart goes out to all the sad and lonely children.
As teenagers we had discussions in which the Jews were ridiculed and blamed for not having assimilated with the Germans, while the Aryan right to supremacy remained undoubted. They thought the Germans are better. My people thought the Jews are better. I was told to identify with the aggressor. I was told to identify with the underdog. I chose the underdog and began to read and learn about it, but it was futile. I couldn’t fight against everyone. My best girlfriend had a parrot who, apparently oblivious of the political changes during its lifetime, would occasionally screech: “Heil Hitler”. I often went home crying, but could never tell my parents, knowing that my dad would be floored with all that. I was left alone with my shame in secrecy.
At fourteen my dad would ask me at the dinner table: “As what do you feel?” and I was supposed to say Jewish, Romanian, or Israeli – but none of these options really applied, though. I couldn’t identify. I didn’t belong anywhere. I brought up teenage pregnancy, and he would threaten to disown me… I didn’t like these family dinners. I did a lot of crying there. Eventually I gave up and embarked on a life of denial and confusion.
So I met a German boy and we fell in love. He was the cutest of them all and I was enchanted. We did what teenagers do and I told him that Jewish girls don’t have sex. He laughed and said they are lying. When I turned sixteen we had sex and I got pregnant. My mom manipulated my dad to go on a business trip to Italy so we could secretly fly to Yugoslavia and get me an abortion… I had to promise her that I would never see him again, which turned out to be an impossibility (to this day). It did cause us all a lot of heartache.
I realize that my childhood does not look tragic. After all, I was not physically abused. I’m guessing my more or less catastrophic over-reactions to life cannot be sufficiently explained by imposing all the responsibility on to my family’s behavior. It looks like I was just born with an uncomfortable vulnerability to people and reality in general… which predisposed me to anxious ruminations, resistances, and self-destructive acting-out that seemed like pleasure seeking. I wish I could have brought some joy to my poor daddy… but his need for control and my stubborn defensiveness against his blaming didn’t leave much room for such things. We weren’t exactly playful about it, either… We were locked into that thing. Feelings of shame and the need to blame became hurtful and toxic.
Without necessarily knowing what I was doing, I had the irresistible urge to go far away. Eventually I left for California, where supposedly people wore flowers in their hair because it never rained… My musician lover in London hooked me up with his brother on 129 ½ Doheny Drive in West Hollywood, who took me along to a couple of recording studios. I met some famous musicians… my decision was made promptly … and I moved to Los Angeles.
You’d think I was finally happy when I was free to hang out at Malibu Beach looking onto the surf, but no - I felt confused, lonely, and depressed, and I missed my home and my friends. There I was … many years and thousands of miles apart from my childhood plight… and my feelings were the same as they had always been. At the sunny blue Pacific Ocean my internal climate had remained foggy and gray.
So I became a psychotherapist… found a man to love and marry, gave birth to a perfect baby boy, but when it came time to bury my mom and grandma, the bubble burst and I could not go on. Something inside of me imploded and I lost the path. I began to smoke, drink, and use drugs more and more. I destroyed my marriage and career, and with it the opportunity for a good life… and for decades I sunk into the swamp. In 1984 I ended up returning to Munich – divorced, penniless, with a little boy who didn’t speak any German, “Daddy, I’m home!” He was not amused…
Back home I got myself a man to love and a cool little shoe store to finance our lifestyle. We stayed up all night for years and I’m not going to lie - we did have a lot of fun. Then came the years where I tried to be asleep before the birds start to sing at dawn. I needed heroin to get up and Johnny Walker to make it through the night, silently suffering through the hellish hangovers and attempts of kicking. We crashed. It was harder on him and he was hospitalized many times. I married him for visits at the psych ward… when his mom tried to keep me out. It got dark around the house.
Locked into our own little world, we had to go on until one of us couldn’t do it any longer. Meanwhile, my son had gone to Hawaii for an exchange year and I went to visit him for his eighteenth birthday.
During a long-distance phone call I realized that my husband had found himself a little lover… and the bondage was released. I was free to go. I knew that my ex-husband was in recovery and asked him for help. He let me go to his rehab and I took the chance to get out alive. On May 2, 1999 I came back to L.A. to get clean, seized the lifesaver, and held on. I did cry every day about my son’s childhood. Eventually, the recovery work helped to forgive us all. The truth is – we just couldn’t help it.
Meanwhile, I have understood that words have the power to destroy people and that our words say more about us than about the other person; also, that blame is hurtful and useless, no matter how justified it may be. Responding to aggression with stubborn defensiveness and resentments keeps the lock on misery. While nothing gets resolved, we stay stuck in a vicious cycle and it interferes with healing. Essentially, we sacrifice happiness for blame.
In the past I have judged others while wanting to be understood. I see now that it’s not a recipe for happiness. These days I try to understand and empathize. I have learned to look at my own actions, pull my spirit back to the present moment and look for the joy; had to give up my inflated self-importance (unless I forget), as well as over-identification with the past. Instead, I embrace the ability to have some experiences, look at what I bring to the table, and make myself useful. I’ve gone from “Whatever it is, I’m against it” … to… “Bring it on!” I like it a lot better that way.
* Somnambulism is defined as walking in one’s sleep or in trance; sleepwalking
the chakras
Meditation and The Chakras
There is really nothing fancy about meditation – my cats do it all the time. Essentially it is about sitting still – with your eyes closed so that you may tune out the outside world and attend to your inner process. For one, you cannot do anything destructive during that time... Meanwhile, you calm down, allow yourself to get centered, grounded, and aware of yourself. Keeping your back straight is helpful so you won’t fall asleep. Not that there would be anything wrong with that – it’s just not meditating. They say the chakras should be aligned in a straight line, meaning you sit with a straight back. Sounds easy enough – may take a while until you begin to create joy and relaxation in this manner. We are so used to distractions. Meditating is about getting to know who you are without identifying with your behaviors or others’ reactions to you. If you do it every morning you will find it empowering and soothing.
The chakra concept is an ancient metaphorical system that outlines human development toward higher consciousness. The eight chakras address the main levels of human experience as we mature. On a physical level they are believed to be power centers in the body, which radiate energy. It is understood that they begin at the base of the spine and continue upward to the top of the head. Chakra is the Sanskrit word for wheel, and people with psychic vision supposedly are able to see the chakras as rapidly spinning wheels of different colored light and to interpret the state of our energy and implications for our wellbeing.
Concentrating on one of the chakras (or all of them in sequence) can be a pleasant starting point for meditation if sitting still and doing nothing is an unfamiliar task for you. Read one of the following papers on a chakra before you settle down for your meditation, do some conscious easy breaths (or breathing exercises). Envision the meaning of the metaphor. You could also imagine that you energize the chakra’s color by breathing into it until you make it glow. Enjoy it, too!
__________ *** __________
The First Chakra
Tribal
The first chakra is the basic level, the merging of the spiritual and the physical – the overriding need to live. The survival instinct is all about being alive and staying alive. Physically, the first chakra is located at the base of the spine, connected to the immune system, bowels, and our legs and feet. The color associated with the first chakra is red. This level is our foundation, our genetic heritage – it provides us with a sense of identity, grounds us, and connects us with our family and beyond, with all mankind, and all of life. It is helpful to understand and embrace our ethnic legacy.
The tribe provides a cultural home where we are shown how to behave in society. There are norms and rules to follow. We copy role models and respond to peer pressure, too. Loyalty is rewarded and defiance to the traditional path is punished - and so we become socialized. Our tribe teaches us what it means to be a human being, and this guidance accompanies us through adulthood.
Family life is not necessarily what we want it to be, though, where problematic behaviors get passed down over generations. We need to belong, but some of us must survive abandonment and abuse and find it impossible to follow in the footsteps of their elders. Some parents are incapable of being good role models - they teach useless or destructive behaviors. Growing up then means finding one's own path, but emotional disconnect from the tribe can trigger distress and intense discomfort. And so it may become necessary to seek outside help for healing and overcoming adverse childhood experiences. Processing psychological injuries takes time and perseverance, but it contains the key to liberation from the bondage of the past. If one gives in to fears and avoids mastering this hurdle, one may get stuck in the victim role and even recreate childhood issues throughout adult life.
If you come from a loving, supportive, and nurturing family, great - you probably feel confident and interested in life. If that’s not the case, your life instinct may be compromised. You may feel depressed and not caring much about life; or you may be angry and aggressive, where the death instinct has become more pronounced; or you may suffer form fear and anxiety, continuously seeking safety.
Either way, there is a way to make peace with your past. Do not rest until you see a way out of blame! Find a psychotherapist, teacher, mentor, sponsor, or friend. Do whatever it takes to find resolution and healing! In the history of mankind, nobody has ever found happiness through resentments, no matter how justified. Pray for their happiness – and you will find forgiveness. Take your spirit back from the error of perception that there was a mistake, that the circumstances you are faced with are wrong. Respect your heritage – even though human nature can seem unacceptable at times.
Healing is not about forgetting, but processing experiences and finding serenity. It is about owning your fate as is and moving forward, in spite of it all. It can be about standing up for yourself and not do unto others what has been done unto you … Sometimes it’s about claiming your right for happiness. It could be about introducing hope and change - with gratitude for surviving adversity. If you were hurt and abandoned… you know to break the chain and NOT pass on the pain to your children. Be kind - people are ignorant and flawed... Leave them (as well as yourself) some room for growth and improvement! Finding compassion helps. Always.
Bless your family and your tribe! Feel connected to the chain of life throughout the ages! As recipient of a legacy you embody the link to the next generation. It’s about what YOU do about the past and how you tie it to the future. Own what you got and consider the footprint you are leaving behind.
Today it’s your turn.
__________ *** __________
The Second Chakra
Dual
This is the energy of sexual instinct and creativity – survival of the species. Going beyond one’s own survival and getting together with another is the task here. Physically, the second chakra is located at the lower back, hip, and genital area. Its color is a pale orange, the color of mangoes. At this level we have outgrown childlike dependency and are choosing where to direct our energy. Choices are to be made wisely, because each choice is creative - one thing leads to another. As we try to get our needs met, we weave our spirit into life and create connections with the people we attract. Our choices contain the energy of either faith or fear – and the outcome reflects to some extent that faith or fear. Motivated by fear we can easily fall prey to dependencies, obsessions, and addictions. Any choice made from faith keeps us aligned with the Divine Forces – and draws help to us when we need it most.
We need to create – so we follow our desires and passions, as we initiate and respond to movement and change. We are meant to establish some balance between productivity and procreation. In search of a way that works we wrestle with opposing forces. The opposing forces at this level have been called yin/yang, male/female etc. The typical second chakra duality takes place between our sexual urges versus our needs for other creative expressions – potentially causing intense conflict and painful consequences. If we allow ourselves to become obsessed with romance and/or sex, our energy is tied up to forces outside ourselves, beyond our control. We could find that our desires bring into existence a vicious cycle of insatiable needs. Creativity brings our internal process out into the world – and we can find happiness in doing what we like to do. We are good at what we like to do, and we like to do what we are good at – this is the red thread to success. In order to achieve some sense of contentment we must find a way to balance the need for loving/sexual involvement with the need for creative expression. Not an easy feat.
If a person is blocked at this level, they will be listless, finding life boring, empty and exhausting. The shadow side of this chakra is resentment, the desire for vengeance. It can become necessary to get your spirit back from the illusion that people have come into your life for destructive reasons. Everyone in your life plays a role in your fate, although it might not be obvious at the time. If we cannot find a way of blessing them, we become morbid and toxic as our own biological system becomes chronically flooded with poisonous negativity. It’s not fun, either.
Think about bringing love and joy – but stand up for yourself and set boundaries when necessary. Use your power deliberately! Interact with kindness and compassion – especially when it appears as though the other person is aggressive and at fault. It’s not about being right. It’s about your inner emotional climate as well as the quality of your interactions. Don’t waste your energy trying to convince people that you are right and they are wrong. We are meant to respect the lives of others, rather than demanding that they ought to fulfill our needs and desires. Instead of over-indulging in strife, ask yourself, “What would love do now?” This includes love and respect for yourself…
Seek to give rather than to get! Whatever it is that you want – give it to the other person. Look to form relationships of mutual support and encouragement! It may not always be about your expectations, but neither is it about allowing people to exploit you. Sometimes we outlive certain circumstances and relationships – and find that it’s time to move on. Instead of complaining for extended periods of time that someone is “wrong” – it might be much more useful to look at your options…
Visualize inner balance!
_________ *** __________
The Third Chakra
Personal Power
The third chakra is the energy of personal power, ego, personality, intuition, and self-esteem. Physically, it is believed to be located around the navel center, encompassing the digestive system, liver, pancreas, kidneys and the adrenals. Its color is yellow.
At this level we want to be authentic – expressing ourselves and feeling good about what we have done –- and true to our innermost selves. There is a need to feel good about ourselves in order to feel worthwhile and deserving of good luck. Also, for the spirit to thrive we must develop some level of mastery. We want to be good at something, content about what we have planted, built, and created. Mastery is joy.
How we feel about ourselves determines the quality of life. This includes our capacity to succeed in endeavors and appreciate it when we do. As we develop a sense of self, our intuition becomes stronger and more reliable. At this level we are meant to develop the power of endurance required for maturation, success, and healing. A person with a well-developed third chakra is usually energetic, organized, and goal-oriented. Along with this comes a well-developed sense of will power, commitment, personal strength, and stamina. The ability to handle a crisis, the courage to take risks, as well as strength of character are associated with this level.
A person with weak third-chakra activity tends to be scattered, unfocused, without the energy to achieve their goals, and consequently frustrated or angry – as their life lacks meaning. Anger is the shadow emotion of the third chakra, as is fear of rejection and all insecurities about one’s appearance. If you give in to temptations and act out on these emotions, going through life inflicting pain and humiliation on your people, you compromise your spirit. Disrespecting yourself and others in this manner breaks your strength. While you might think that you’re are despising others… you won’t be able to respect or love yourself and you may end up sabotaging your own happiness without even knowing it. This is the path of self-destruction and addiction.
Accept yourself the way you are. You won’t ever be anyone else. The challenge at this level is to find your truth and live accordingly. Deceit, manipulation, and lies compromise your inner clarity and power. Raise your awareness to the consequences of your actions and you will see that you cannot really afford wasting your lifetime on such activities. Nothing should be more important than following your own intuitions. Avoid confusing yourself with excessive diversions and illusions. Make your choices based on acceptance of current reality rather than resentments about yesterday’s rain. Do the right thing according to your own inner wisdom – and you won’t have regrets. Play your cards right and avoid doing foolish things to be ashamed of - and you won’t feel ashamed. Lead a life where you can respect yourself – and you won’t have to rely on others for approval. Life presents you with chances – be present and attend to the moment, so you won’t miss them. They may not come again. Use the gifts you have been given for manifesting your dreams - instead of envying others who do. You will build self-esteem by doing estimable acts.
If that sounds like a bit much – do it only for today. You have the rest of your life to practice it. Living your truth is not really negotiable, don’t you think? If that means that right now your truth is that you feel insecure or confused or whatever it is - so be it. Own it! That’s where your power is.
“Happiness is a by-product of living the right kind of life, of doing the right thing. Do not search for happiness, search for right living and happiness will be your reward.” – Richmond Walker, Twenty-Four Hours a Day
__________ *** _________
The Fourth Chakra
Love & Compassion
This is the energy of unconditional love and compassion – of loving kindness and benevolent action. Physically, the fourth chakra is located at the center of the chest. Energetically, it is connected to the heart and circulatory system, breasts, lungs, shoulders, arms and hands. It is associated with the color green. Every sentiment emanates from the heart center. That is why it is the most powerful chakra and can be dangerous if not guided properly. When the heart chakra is not balanced, we tend to become overly attached to some object of affection. Life problems are often created on this level - through blind pursuit of passions. The goal is to be nurturing towards another person while receiving nurturing in return, as well. We have to love ourselves, too, look for beauty in all things, and seek emotional balance – so that we create harmony rather than getting lost in dependencies and compulsions.
Fourth chakra energy is the power of joy. Put your attention towards hope, confidence, compassion, and acceptance. Think love! Shine your light freely. We lose power by investing in low-grade emotions such as fear, despair, hate, envy, and jealousy. The “wounded child” within holds painful memories and turns them into negative attitudes, which in turn shape our behavior. This is how we perpetuate our childhood pain. We create what we fear most, e.g. abandonment can turn into fear of abandonment, which can turn into fear of commitment, which tends to create abandonment. People stay out of balance to get negative attention when they feel that their life is worth nothing without the love and attention they crave. This can be the reason why people don’t heal – in essence they sacrifice their life on the altar of love. A better solution is to live life with the attitude of “what would love do now?” and do that. When you give love you are always surrounded by love.
Whenever you feel the need to control another person … let go … pull your spirit back to your own breath, reminding yourself to ground yourself in the moment. Work through your resentments as they keep you from becoming whole and moving on, and holding on to judgment can keep your wounds from healing. Your wounds do not hurt the people who hurt you - they hurt only you. Healing is possible through acts of forgiveness. Self-love means caring for yourself enough to forgive people in your past and allow a healing to occur. Within all experiences, no matter how painful, lie spiritual insights.
At the fourth chakra level we get to know ourselves through our emotions – when we have strayed and have been hurt too much, we may even find that it’s time to change, that it’s not OK to pass on suffering for any reason, not even when it’s deemed justifiable. We can realize that others don’t have to fulfill our wishes, needs and dreams – that it’s not necessarily their task at all.
When you love someone it can mean to allow them to be on their own path – even when they aren’t fulfilling what you think your needs are. It is your task to give love freely and joyfully – with self-respect, but without expectations. Ultimately, compassion and the desire to bring love and joy is considered the high road of connecting with other humans, and really all sentient beings. Love is the way of least resistance.
Live Love!
_________ *** __________
The Fifth Chakra
Living your Truth
This is the energy of will power, judgment, and choice - of your truth. Physically, the fifth chakra is located at the throat, including neck, shoulders, mouth, nose and ears. Its color is blue. Through verbal expression we present our feelings and thoughts to others, thereby integrating heart and mind. Thought patterns, maintained over time and even more so the spoken word can have a lasting effect on your life. Words do matter and they resonate back to you like an echo. You become what you think and say.
From a spiritual perspective, our highest good is accomplished by turning our will and our life over to the power of fate. By living in accordance with the Divine Forces we walk the path of least resistance: take what is given, listen to what is being taught, and appreciate what appears on our path. Riding the waves of life by being aligned with these Forces relieves conflict. We can learn to listen to our own intuition to guide us on the spiritual path. The essence of the fifth chakra is faith. At this level we begin to understand that fear creates mountains, while faith removes them.
As you learn about your will power, you go through painful struggles. You may fall prey to the illusion that forcing your will onto others would bring you happiness… If you invest your spirit in manipulations, deceit, illusions, or denial – you’re straying from the right path, while causing confusion and suffering (for yourself and others) in the process. Lying means that you compromise your own truth for something that seems more important – and you will pay a price for it…
The most costly energy consequences come from acting out of fear. While you act on the illusion that what you fear is true you manifest your fears. Or your fear might tell you that you must defend yourself and attack. When you are angry and aggressive, you feel a flush of energy – this is your spirit leaving your body and attaching itself to the object of your judgment… not a good thing, you need it with you. Practice restraint of tongue, pen, and email – especially when you’re upset and agitated. When vicious words hit a desperate person… they can kill.
Direct your will to the highest common good – and make yourself useful. We don’t live long enough to waste too much time with destruction, revenge, or other spiritual errors. Stand up for yourself, so you do not build resentments - they get registered in your cell tissue and make you sick when your own negativity overwhelms your system. In confession you can purge yourself and return to humility. You are not expected to live flawlessly without ever erring BUT you must learn from your mistakes if you are to move on.
Use kind words if you want to create a good life. Bring an attitude of compassion. A judgmental attitude is a spiritual error – mistakes cannot be avoided by anybody. All of us learn as we go. Much better to bring compassion and humor. Close your eyes, use your will, and command your spirit back from places, thoughts, or fears you have sent it to. Imagine your thoughts coming back from judgments. Think before you speak – a spoken word cannot be retracted… Sometimes it can be an act of kindness not to say anything. Always remember that your words are creative!
“In the beginning was the word, and the word became flesh” - Book of Genesis
_________ *** _________
The Sixth Chakra
The Mind
This is the energy of the mind. The sixth chakra is the “third eye”, located at the center of the forehead. Physically, this chakra encompasses brain, mind, intelligence, and the eyes. The color associated with the sixth chakra is indigo. Your consciousness is what sets you apart from the primitive state of animals. Cherish your consciousness – it is the most evolved part of your being, although it does require maturation throughout life. The challenge at this level involves integration of mind, emotions, and spirit – what we know, what we believe, what we remember, what we fear, what we wish. At this level we begin to develop intuition and wisdom through opening our mind to a higher truth. We are free to choose - and we must live with the consequences of our actions.
Confusion and limiting beliefs are the shadow side of the sixth chakra - the opposite of intuition. Thought precedes form – thoughts turn into feelings, which prompt us to act, and consequently others do react to our behavior. In response to faulty perceptions, delusions, and illusions we create an ongoing toxic emotional climate, which doesn’t allow us to respond constructively to reality. For example - when we habitually think scary thoughts, we experience persistent anxiety, which prompts us to withdraw – and so we get stuck in an unhappy and limited world of our own creation. If we are lost in confusion, we create chaos. If we’re in the habit of indulging in self-obsessed neediness, we create dependency and powerlessness. It would be wise to attend to our thought content so that we can adjust and correct it if necessary – and won’t go through life creating what we do not want. By raising our awareness we learn to detach from illusions and see the symbolic meaning below the surface of things.
Ordination represents our calling in this life, some form of service to others – as a teacher, friend, healer, mother, or whatever matters to you. You find it by going with what you love – with the intention of bringing love and joy. Put your attention to making a contribution – and you counteract your own fear, anger, and depression in the process. Just think of bringing something good to the world. It doesn’t have to be the biggest or best… The contribution of a loyal housekeeper can be more influential than an ambitious piece of art.
You have not been given your magnificent mind to obliterate and poison it – oblivion never ever delivers solutions. Listen to your inner voice in meditation and eventually you will begin to hear your intuition. Look for meaning and you will tap into your inner wisdom. You are exactly where you are supposed to be for the next step on your spiritual path. No matter how you feel – if you watch, listen, and learn from everything – you promote clarity and find your way to move on. If you can remember to look at all experiences as opportunities to mature and evolve – you will find peace of mind. The Masters say, there are no mistakes.
Use your knowledge for the common good!
___________ *** __________
The Seventh Chakra
Sublime
This is the energy of higher consciousness. Located at the top of the head, this chakra can be understood as the entry point of the life force, which energizes the major body systems, the central nervous system, and the skin. Its color is violet. It represents our connection to a Higher Power, which we address with prayer and meditation. It is said that in prayer we speak to God, during meditation we listen. Spirituality contains the energy of grace - we build up good energy with kind thoughts and actions, based on faith, compassion, and prayer.
The primary strength at this level is faith in the presence of the Divine. The primary fear at this level is the fear of spiritual abandonment, expressed in the notion “God is dead”, and resulting in loss of connectedness, and lack of meaning. At this level we are required to welcome our fate – and release the belief that things could or should have been otherwise. While enduring difficulties – we get the chance to overcome them. As we live through pain we can learn the importance of kindness, compassion, and respect. We can choose not to do onto others what we don’t want done onto us.
Spiritual awakening is usually the result of having gone through some hellish experience. Since we don’t seek God when we dwell in the light – we may have to find a Higher Power in the darkness. Most of us only resort to prayer when we are faced with insurmountable tasks, life-threatening fears, or heart-breaking loneliness. By walking through these experiences we may become willing to give up the known – and break through to a higher level of consciousness.
It is part of life to endure doubt – we must make our choices without knowing why things are the way they are and how it will all play itself out. Even the Masters had to face confusion and indecision on their spiritual path; it didn’t come easy for them, either. None of us know without the shadow of a doubt what we came to earth for – and yet we must find a way to do life. No one is given the promise of a life of bliss. Our perception changes through overcoming extreme challenges. While we face our fears alone – we may find that we are not alone, after all. The truth is that we are on a spiritual path whether we are aware of it or not – all of us. It is our conscious awareness of it that makes all the difference.
It is not the result of what we do, but the surrender to the Divine Forces that matters. In order to rise above an ordinary mundane existence we undergo a transformation – and understand that our essence is spirit, which temporarily dwells in a physical body. We are required to call our spirit back from attachments again and again. We let go and become whole. And so we move on and gradually we get to remember our true nature. Pain alone is not enough - we are meant to bring everything we got - bold courage and faithful surrender… and don’t forget - the metamorphosis from an earthbound to a sublime being requires some weightlessness at the right moment. That’s what it takes.
“… and when you come to the precipice of all you have known,
and you must jump into the unknown,
faith is knowing that you will find solid ground under your feet
or you will learn how to fly. This is the leap of faith.” -
Quote
__________ *** __________
The Eighth Chakra
The Aura
This is the energy of the aura. Our body is surrounded by a radiant electromagnetic field that extends up to nine feet. The color associated with this chakra is white, although the aura can take on different colors depending on our mental, physical, and spiritual condition. Essentially we are our own little world, our own center of gravity. The goal is for the spirit to become stronger than the body – that is true power, the power to perform miracles. The term charisma pertains to someone’s particularly powerful radiance.
Messages carried on neural pathways are transmitted electrically. Raising our consciousness actually changes our biochemistry. Welcoming and accepting reality as being exactly the way it is supposed to be is most empowering for the spirit. That is the way to become aligned with the Divine Forces – no more energy waste on resistance. A focus on bringing love and joy to the world is best for our own empowerment. As a result our energy state is most vibrant and powerful, magnetically drawing people and things to us, and repelling negativity.
Dwelling in judgment of reality, criticism of human nature, and resistance to fate deplete our system of vital energy, because it is futile. As a result we become anxious and/or depressed, which can make us so weak that we become almost invisible. Anger is the attempt to make ourselves seen and heard - to act powerful when we feel powerless. As a result we repel people and things, which increases our sense of helplessness. Try to remember that your power could be used so much better – to your benefit as well as the benefit of others. No matter what’s going on in your life, you are whole, you are complete, and you are enough. You are a Divine child of God, equipped with all that it takes to make it through your earthly experience. Your aura will attract precisely what you need in your life so you can grow and evolve – if you don’t interfere with it. Look at an enemy, friend, or teacher for the message they are carrying for you. Look at all experiences as lessons – your joy indicates when you are on the right path. Your emotional pain may be telling you that you have hit a wall because you lost your way - listen to it. Poisoning your system with chemicals or low-grade emotions interferes with your ability to deal with whatever the problem is. On the spiritual path we seek to do the right thing – it’s not about having found certainty in all matters.
You can actually increase the brightness, strength, and vitality of your aura just by thinking about it. Your radiance is strongest and most vibrant when you are doing what you came here to do, when you find your purpose. You cannot know it all just yet, but you have your whole life to find out.
“The spiritual path is about seeking God, not about having found Him.” – quote
__________ *** __________
References:
“Anatomy of the Spirit” - Caroline Myss;
“The Eight Talents” - Gurmukh
The Function of Psychotherapy in Recovery
“Who are you?” – Lyrics, The Who
Alcoholics Anonymous addresses THE DISEASE OF ALCOHOLISM (or addiction) and outlines the most successful approach to recovery – twelve steps - an elegant little formula to take responsibility for one’s actions, stop blaming, and begin to make oneself useful, while also aligning oneself with the Divine Forces, AKA God’s will or fate. This is summarized as, “Clean house. Trust God. Help others.” The AA recovery community embraces the newcomer with the slogan “let us love you until you love yourself.” It is understood that the alcoholic is dealing with a chronic condition, requiring ongoing treatment and support – provided by lifelong AA membership. Some alcoholics achieve sobriety and begin a new life as they follow the suggested twelve-step program. So far, so good.
An estimated 85% of addicts suffer from CO-OCCURRING DISORDERS – having survived emotional trauma in childhood, such as neglect, abandonment, death, sexual and emotional abuse, and/or violence. Such a child is not encouraged and empowered to develop properly and remains fear-based, forever seeking attention and pleasure to “take the edge of.” If the abuse occurred within the family, most likely the victim role has become part of the person’s identity and they don’t even know it. This is incorporated in the victim’s sense of self – and s/he sees herself as hopeless and helpless, wile endowing “the other” with power, forever blaming and expecting the outside to fix her. About 85% of addicts experience depression, consistent anxiety, PTSD or other overwhelming emotional states or intrusive thought processes, struggle with an anger problem or other difficulties with relationships – AND THIS IS WHY many addicts relapse in spite of their best efforts, finding it impossible to maintain sobriety with AA alone.
EARLY RECOVERY can be stressful when the addict becomes overwhelmed with troubling thought content and high-intensity desires and aversions. Flooded by feelings s/he doesn’t understand, she may try to self-medicate. This can trigger a regression, a return to fragmentation, and she would lose interest in getting better - and shift to process addictions, such as sex & love addiction, eating disorders, thrill seeking, gambling, shopping, or relapse with substances (street drugs or prescription) etc. A survivor of child abuse typically lacks self-love and self-care and proceeds to re-traumatize herself during a life-style of suffering and agitation. It’s just what she knows.
This is where INPATIENT TREATMENT comes in. Peer support, psychotherapy, counseling, guidance, psycho-education, and safety within a stabilizing structured environment for 90 days minimum – is a known time frame for change of habitual behavior patterns. In residential treatment the addict is protected from herself and her own self-destructive behaviors. On a practical level it is about establishing and practicing new habits, while also developing endurance – a solid foundation for ongoing recovery.
In PSYCHOTHERAPY the patient gets to check in with her own consciousness on a weekly basis, thereby creating continuity of the mental process, which is otherwise fragmented and acted out by unpredictable and destructive behaviors. Psychotherapy counteracts the vague resistant indifference that can creep in and precede a relapse. Twelve-step work is about learning the “language of recovery,” but if the foundation is crumbling, the patient finds it impossible to tolerate her overwhelming fears. In order to face the wreckage of the past and establish a functional life the patient needs the chance to heal her childhood and make sense of the underlying issues, which cause such devastation in her life. Otherwise, many patients may not have the willingness to “hang in“ long enough for the psychic change to occur –– and give up.
THE WORK IN PSYCHOTHERAPY is about developing a sense of self and discovering her truth in the presence of another person who kindly “holds up a mirror.” The therapist provides a “safe holding environment” for a “corrective emotional experience” to take place. The relationship itself is the main aspect for healing to occur – a kind of re-parenting, where adverse childhood experiences are transformed. The patient gets to be seen, heard, and understood, knowing that her thoughts and feelings do matter, after all – her forgotten and hidden memories become known and s/he gets the space to put it all together. Dysfunctional thought patterns are gradually replaced by insight and good judgment. S/he develops impulse control, while new neuronal connections are established in the brain – and hyper-alertness* wanes over time. Evidently, such processes take time. On the basis of a good therapeutic alliance, emotional injuries can be processed and the psyche can (eventually) become whole.
A GOOD THERAPIST becomes irreplaceable, just like a friend or family member (although one eventually outgrows the therapist). Such a therapist has the function of a healer, confidant, priest, rabbi, or shaman. S/he carries hope that healing is possible, that the patient is not fundamentally broken, in spite of everything that happened, in spite of guilt and shame over unspeakable experiences and actions – and that the patient deserves to stand up for herself and set boundaries when necessary. While the time frame in residential treatment is necessarily limited and solution-focused, psychotherapy can make the metamorphosis possible. Otherwise, some addicts turn around and go back into the swamp… It happens.
“We must work through our story, before
the unresolved elements of our story kill us."
- quote, Jeff Brown
* see also cognitive restructuring and neuro-remapping
Benzos & Opioids
“I need some good dope while I’m kicking” – quote, any addict
Benzodiazepines (anxiolytics) and opioids (analgesiscs) are addictive and problematic when taken on a continuous basis, no matter what the justification may be. The brain does not differentiate.
In addiction treatment, anxiety management with long-term benzo prescription, as well as pain management with long-term opioid prescription is highly problematic, and may seriously interfere with the chance of achieving or maintaining sobriety.
Even if the patient has not abused benzos or opioids beyond the prescribed amount, the alcoholic user self-medicates with alcohol to enhance the declining effectiveness of these drugs.
As soon as the alcohol is removed from the equation, they won’t provide sufficient relief – and
therefore it’s a set-up for relapse with alcohol or drugs (AOD).
MD’s usually comply with patient requests as they tend to believe in chemical relief and aid the patient to increase, switch, or combine substances to regulate.
Since benzo withdrawal tends to be protracted and uncomfortable, a titration schedule is usually suggested, where dosage is gradually reduced, then discontinued within a few weeks.
Suggested alternatives to benzos are Propranolol, Hydroxyzene, Gabapentin, Paxil (SSRI).
Alternatives to opioids are Tegretal (very short-term), NSAID’s (non-steroid anti-inflammatory drugs), and Acetomenophen.
Due to decreased endorphin levels during opioid withdrawal, patients complain of hyperalgesia (intensified pain) and hyperesthesia (the sensation of pain without cause), not to be confused with a legitimate reason to uptake a long-term opioid regimen…
Also, avoid switching – as benzos trigger opioid cravings.
Addiction treatment is about abstinence from habit-forming substances - while processing of underlying issues, and establishing functional thought and behavior patterns, even when this means that one must endure discomfort for a while.
The best treatment for an addict is a combination of abstinence & 12-step program & meditation & non-abusable meds if necessary, and this is where treatment (IOP, PHP, rehab) comes into play – to support the early phase of patient stabilization when a solid foundation for a sober life is to be built.
Recovery is a gradual process - on an ongoing basis. Even though it may involve a challenging experience, sobriety is a prerequisite for establishing a meaningful and worthwhile life.
LOVE TO THE WORLD
My Friend Mary
Motherless Daughters
Never a fight in 50 years, not even once.
We’re sitting at the kitchen table
as we’ve always done – facing each other
With friendly faces, talking about our lives,
Relationships and families -
3 marriages (only 1 on her account)
4 children (only 1 on my account)
5 grand children (0 on my account).
She married a religious guy and
Proceeded with the Jewish thing,
Based in North Carolina with their own
Synagogue, rabbi, and Jewish school.
I did the sex, drugs, and rock’n roll thing, and more
In Los Angeles and Munich.
And yet… nothing has really changed –
We’re the same people we’ve always been,
Ever since we were children in Munich, Germany.
There were places, occasions, and other participants
Since the day we played dress-up, dancing around to
“It was her itzy bitzy teeny weeny yellow polka-dot bikini.”
We swam across the Wörthersee in Velden, Austria
To casually show up near a French guy (Claude) she liked -
“When a Man loves a Woman” was a new song playing on the radio.
There were teenage activities better left untold,
Occasional visits in far-away places, sometimes years apart,
Two people, so different and alike, too,
talking to each other for half a century,
offering and receiving with open hearts.
We showed up for each other’s weddings.
She supported my son’s exchange year
At Punahoo School, Hawaii (good choice).
In rehab (1999) too sick to get up, I looked at her little fax
Lying on the floor by my bed with a few kind words.
She had drawn a heart on it…
These days we’re sitting in her daughter’s house in Beverly Hills,
talking about children and aging.
It seems to me as though she had a charmed and easy life,
Pursuing with clarity, dignity, and integrity,
based on reverence for the identity of our people and
Honoring the memory of their hardships.
She encourages me for my resilience and achievements.
I had been dedicated to hedonistic pursuit of analgesia,
Struggling with consequences I didn’t see.
In my mind I can still hear her dad calling “Mary”,
When I asked for her on the phone.
My dad remembered rescuing her from a predicament
At Woolworth when we were 14 (her parents never found out).
She admired my mom who has been gone for 34 years today.
Mary’s mom is still around.
P.S.
I didn’t know it then… that
her mom had been in hiding in the woods, in Poland,
When her own mother and aunt left them at Jom Kippur
To score some food and never came back, ever.
Her mom was fourteen and mom’s little brother was ten,
When they were alone and homeless in the winter snow.
ZEN
"The archer ceases to be conscious of himself as the one who is engaged in hitting the bull's eye, which confronts him. This state of unconscious is realized only when, completely empty and rid of the self, he becomes one with the perfecting of his technical skill, though there is in it something of a quite different order which cannot be attained by any progressive study of the art" – Eugen Herrigel
ZEN meditation teaches conscious experiencing with effortless ease. Practical application of a simple technique is utilized for the path to enlightenment. The idea is to become one with the object you hold in this moment above all else through transcending physical boundaries in spirit, thus achieving genuine understanding and direct insight into the true nature of things. In Zen archery the student is taught to become one with the aim of the arrow.
Zen practice is an approach to managing the human mind and its tendency to seek suffering. In daily meditation the mind and body are calmed and healed. An emphasis on the spiritual aspect versus the material is suggested since attachment to the physical increases desire and the need to control, which in essence is unattainable and with that it promotes suffering as in unquenchable continuous thirst.
Zen is a practice that utilizes a phenomenon deliberately – the magnetism of intense mental/emotional process. You become what you think (if you give it enough time and energy). Notice how old people become physical representations of their belief system and lifestyle. It may not be too obvious when you’re young, but in looking back, you may notice that in fact your intense wishes have come true and your life reflects your interior.
Zen offers the basic simplicity meditation. Be one with everything – fully embrace fate and reality as is. We are advised to sit, raise our awareness of the breath, and gently notice all our feelings… and resistance melts.
Wikipedia Quote: "Through years of practice, a physical activity becomes effortless,
both mentally and physically, as if the body executes complex and difficult movements without conscious control from the mind."
Pink Elephant
“Give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way” – Native American Proverb
The way I see it… we have taken manifestation in physical form in order to have experiences, sensations, feelings, and make things happen - guided mostly by desire and fear, hard-wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain. The spirit world responds when we ask for help. And then there is also our fate awaiting us – circumstances of birth, death, and in between… gifts and baggage, people and events appearing on the path. All that.
I hear people say, “I want to get loaded.” The answer is, “You will.” And if you say, “I want recovery more than anything,” the answer is also, “You will” – IF you turn it over to the Higher Power with the wisdom that you cannot enforce what is not meant for you. Otherwise your fear may attract what you don’t want (sorry about that).
The trick is to create a hybrid between this apparent paradox – where you’re blending desire & fate – it is like learning to apply a language with its own grammatical rules. That’s the secret, and so… it’s a good idea to get some clarity and define what it is that you REALLY want…
Keep in mind that there are no negatives in the spirit world. There is no such thing as “NOT a pink elephant”. If you’re thinking that you DON’T want to think “pink elephant”, you’re visualizing it, just the same as if you’re thinking that you do. And this is the reason why some people move forward, in spite of adversity, and others turn around… back into the darkness.
Singleness of purpose means that you focus on the goal without getting sidetracked with all the other stuff. This is why surrender is emphasized in the twelve steps, too. Apparently, it’s easier to align yourself with the Divine Forces AKA fate when you got nothing left to loose. Otherwise, the fear-based stubborn need to stick to what you know from the past (even when you want to avoid it) and enforce something that you think you cannot be without, will attract it. Applying your spirit energy acts like a magnet to attract that thing that you’re imagining. Resistance to fate is futile and just wastes your power.
The spiritual masters teach that we manifest our thoughts, fantasies, and fears when we visualize repeatedly, daily, and with high-intensity emotion – it changes our thought process as well as habitual behavior – “sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly”... You may disagree, but that won’t disable the message. Invested in resistance you won’t apply the formula to your benefit. If you think, “I’m special. You don’t understand my battle…” then you resist learning that language… and you will manifest that, too – by getting stuck in a feedback loop of repeating the past (as in chronic relapse). If you think that you don’t want to suffer on the way… there you go creating more suffering. Also, you might want to consider that everything has its price. If you’re unwilling to pay the price for recovery, you will pay the price for progressive addiction - transcending the momentary turmoil will appear impossible.
The spiritual path counteracts fear and stress, allowing for an increased sense of wellbeing. It’s a good thing to grieve, mourn, and process the past, but remember to focus on healing and moving forward (or giving yourself time to get stronger if that’s what is needed). Don’t invest today’s life energy on past suffering or that which you don’t like. Forgiveness is the golden key to let go of defiance and blame – without forgiveness you interfere with the process and waste precious lifetime. Make sure to forgive yourself, too - there is no healing without it. Accept your aversion and doubt for the present moment. Zero in on its current physical sensation in your body, breathe into it, and let it be. Then verbalize what you really want - but on a spiritual plane, as in “peace and serenity” rather than material objects, such as money or a car. Visualize yourself IN that life setting and focus on the joy and gratitude of being in it. Identify your number ONE priority and you are promised to have it when the time comes. Affirm, “I trust fate and dedicate this day to align myself with the Divine Forces.” You could start with, “I am allowed to be happy. I am grateful for this day. What I want above all else is peace and serenity. I offer my life to bring love & joy.” Thank the Creative Forces (whatever you call them) for your life and the blue sky above. It is a way to honor the forces that have power over you and disable your resistance. Understand that your power is like that of a seagull up in the sea breeze – she floats on the air with effortless ease, sometimes without even flapping her wings. Be with it - no chance to go against the wind… Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Die for Love
It can happen… that a woman has some ideas about men and relationships. The dude she likes may not even know or care about such things. Miscommunication can lead to trouble and so she suffers from disappointments, resentments, and a broken heart. Good communication, on the other hand, is overrated when she has unrealistic expectations, thinking that expressing thoughts and desires will lead to instant wish fulfillment. It’s usually not the case. More so it would be about a gradual negotiating of disharmony within, and also with a potential partner.
If we want to… we can learn some things about others, just by attentive listening and observation – and reduce unrealistic attitudes in a flash. Women can acknowledge that men may have different desires and joys – they may watch striptease or sports with tireless enthusiasm – and without being seen or spoken to... Men have sex with prostitutes – is a thing to consider when trying to understand the male mind. A relationship is easier for a woman who is not overly invested in illusions.
A woman may want to believe that there is more to it than some breathless stealthy rubbing between strangers in the night. Really, it’s all about desire – a physical need, a thought or stimulation, augmented by apparent indifference or ambiguity, maintained through unconscious connection (based on memory) . Expressed desire of an overly available woman, however, can backfire… and intimidate or unnerve the object of her fancy. In other words, the whole thing is more about dynamics and more or less forgotten memories. Also, it’s not nearly as much about youth and beauty as women are lead to believe - and more about pleasure, convenience, and maintenance of the enigma, i.e. absence of predictability and boredom.
Love is clearly not a requirement for sexual desire in the human male, and therefore sex should not be misinterpreted as love or even sincere interest. A woman wants to believe that a man can be trusted, that there is safety and genuine concern within the relationship of a man and a woman, that there is hope for bliss. And there is. It’s just not to be found through insistence on certain mental constructs at the expense of reality testing.
Of course I don’t mean to imply that all wo/men… this or that – but that’s just what a relationship is all about – getting to know another and finding out whether we have enough things in common to sustain an ongoing bond – which, alas, cannot be had against the will of the other, even if a woman so desires… It might be worth taking a look at one’s own history of what’s called insecure attachment.
Attachment Theory maintains that a reliable and predominantly positive attachment to a caregiver in early childhood is essential for normal psychosocial development. Consistency and continuity of love and nurture, particularly until age three, is key for “secure attachment.”
What is it that predisposes newly sober women to entertain such insistence and demand of things beyond reach? Frustrating and heart-breaking as it is, it says a lot more about the woman and her infancy than about the current object of her desire - the object for her projection – who unbeknownst to him, is chosen for affirming and nurturing roles… unless he doesn’t comply, in which case her “love” instantaneously transforms into sinister wrath. The dude may never find out or care about one or the other. It’s all in her mind – what she is trying to do (unbeknownst to her) is to resolve her early childhood pain with a live object. The current person qualifies only through his unavailability or incapability to be a good candidate for a solid and fulfilling bonding experience; in other words, she is attracted to what she has come to know her whole life – unhappy relationships. The current man reminds her of her mom and/or dad who were not available enough and made her suffer. She feels familiar with what she knows… she sees him and thinks, “I’m home!” but this time around, she is set on turning the “object” around - into a good one...
It appears that many alcoholic women continue to act out on their insecure attachment from early childhood and this may be why they have such difficult experiences with their love life, where abuse and abandonment is re-enacted compulsively. People get sober… and the despair and loneliness of their infancy, which had been drowned in alcohol rises up to plain sight. This is when a bond with another recovering addict (especially a sponsor) or psychotherapist can provide a “corrective emotional experience” and save the day, one day at a time. Re-parenting may be of the essence before one braves another attempt with romance.
Some of us relapse and overdose before they have had the time to process and heal their childhood trauma... they literally die for love.
See also Attachment and Loss, John Bowlby
Family & Recovery
Addicts usually suffer from disordered thinking, dysregulated emotions, problematic behavior patterns, and some kind of unresolved trauma - and this is why many of us find it difficult or even impossible to stay sober.
It all begins in childhood, of course. If a person grows up without enough safety he cannot develop as he would in an environment of continuous love and nurture, but trauma may not be identified as such - kids experience emotional trauma as normal, if that’s just what they know since childhood. A childhood climate of fear and threat translates into unhappy adulthood - where he may feel insecure, anxious, depressed, angry, and unlovable, but doesn’t know or dare to communicate openly. He may rather seek to suppress his suffering indefinitely and self-medicate hyper-reactivity, hyper-vigilance, and low self-esteem.
As an adolescent he might experience more trauma and then he is expected to function, “Just get over it,” and “Grow up.” He may not know how to grow up, preferring to relieve some of the confusion and discomfort. “Just say No to drugs” may not really be an attractive directive or even doable.
It is necessary that a healing occurs in recovery. A survivor of emotional trauma has undergone a profound transformation – memories are encoded in the brain. Personality development has been interfered with and there may be a sense of inner emptiness and confusion about life. There is a lack of meaning, and so he may try to numb out and pursue chemical euphoria. This is displayed interpersonally, as well. Unsure of his true self, he has trouble, saying No. But saying Yes can be impossible, too, when love has become linked to pain and fear, and so there are difficulties holding up relationships. Without bonding there is loneliness, but he may trust too much, too soon, or not at all, for he cannot feel love for others or himself. He may feel numb, shut down, unable to open his heart.
Without a fully evolved sense of self, a false self may be presented, where he hides behind an image, unsure of the truth, fearing there is really nobody there underneath the so-called character defects. Perhaps he plays the clown, badass, player, gangsta, or nerd to cover up his vagueness. Mostly, he wants to be cool.
Emotional trauma can be passed down over generations like an inheritance and family members may not even be aware of it. Family members tend to act on their own childhood experiences, even the difficult ones – it is what they know. There may be family secrets and family members may be defensive – boundaries to outsiders can be rigid. Family interaction style is familiar since childhood – a process that maintains a sense of stability, even in the face of extreme and difficult conditions, such as alcoholism and (self-)destructive behaviors. There is suffering and struggling within the family, often with the same difficulties that the addict experiences – there may be unhappiness and mood disorders. There may be shame and blame, and also abuse and alcoholism within the family.
Recovery is the chance for a gradual transformation and catching up with maturation, but family systems can resist change. Alcoholic families, too, want to hold on to the status quo, even when it’s problematic – they want to maintain the homeostasis of the family system in order to keep the family together. Change can raise fear and insecurity. Whatever the case may be, recovery work includes exploring and resolving family issues, while also introducing compassion and patience for this process. It takes time for the family to heal, but it can be done if people want to.
This is why we are including family members in treatment (in the recent decades). When family members receive the chance to participate, cultivate communication, and verbalize their own thoughts and experiences, they can let go, and eventually find forgiveness. The family can (ever so gradually) recover from dysfunctional, but familiar behavior patterns right along with the “identified patient” – the addict. It’s well worth the effort. It’s a beautiful thing when that happens.
the truth
the truth is
a mysterious flower
of 1000 petals.
occasionally
you get to see a color,
touch the fabric
(you might feel emboldened).
it happens that
appearances shift to accommodate
your expectations & needs.
(imagine that!).
now and again
you catch a glimpse
below the surface
(may feel as though you lost it).
the lower levels
are ethereal, hazy, capricious,
and ambiguously responsive.
the inner essence
must remain
forever veiled.
La Condition Humaine
Our ignorance is essential. We exercise trial and error, and so we get to learn, grow, and develop. It is our nature to seek knowledge (meaning, understanding), love, and joy. This is what motivates us. We are meant to evolve toward gaining insight into our nature and cultivate our own Divine creative powers.
We are severely limited in our perceptual abilities (every eagle sees better, every dog hears better, etc) as well as our intellectual abilities - we are unable to access other dimensions and the ultimate nature of things. The essence of reality remains forever enigmatic, escaping our understanding, and we’re left guessing, imagining, conceptualizing, or following the thoughts of others. It’s disquieting and unnerving and some people find solace in religious dogma. One could believe that things we do not experience with our senses do not exist (i.e. God, spiritual existence in other dimensions, reincarnation etc). One might choose to believe that these things are possible. Atheists believe they do not exist. This is a belief, too.
When we choose to love and learn, we experience joy. When we chose to hate and resist, we experience suffering. We can accept fate and do the best with the cards we have been dealt or resent the winners, thinking they always have better cards. We can spend our whole lives over-identifying with our wounds and victimizing experiences, using our spirit for resentment and the desire for justice or vengeance - or manifest our dreams instead. This is our freedom.
Evil actions cause unnecessary pain. They are based on ignorance, mental disorders, difficult (childhood) experiences, or chemical imbalances in the brain – and consequently impaired insight, judgment, and impulse control. Although we are not responsible for these predispositions and circumstances we must make a life and face the consequences of our actions. We don’t really ever know things with certainty… and so we are free to choose the path. Exposed to life we are meant to hang in and learn from experiences. Sometimes we do.
My best teachers have been my son Jesse and cat Chico. They have been patiently showing me that life happens right now (as I am present in the moment), and that I find happiness within loving interactions (I get back so much more than I give); also, that the focus on bringing love and joy gives meaning to my life.
Objectivity = Fiction
My German friend, he thinks he knows some shit.
Sitting on the couch in judgment,
He doesn’t see himself
Bringing strife into my house.
I see that objectivity is just not given to us.
We are tied to the past and
The experience of our fathers,
Directed by loyalties and mental constructs,
Perspective, perception, and selective inattention.
Meanwhile,
We may project and identify,
Own and disown aspects of humanity.
The truth might exist somewhere,
But alas… it is elusive.
We are left with our imagination,
Wishes and aversions, and
A variable ability for discernment.
I am realizing that objectivity = fiction,
A fantasy like fairness or justice
Or perhaps even peace.
It might be smarter not to spend his days
In judgment of fighters he may never meet,
Facing despair he may never know,
In faraway countries, where he has never been.
He just doesn't know...
Feeling defeated by life, he struggles mostly on the inside.
Opposing violence and terror,
He takes sides in a war that isn’t his,
Choosing an imaginary participation
That does not help anyone,
And for us it is damaging and futile, too.
A passionate observer of onscreen violence,
He identifies with nomads, anarchists, and pacifists, too.
Seething with rage in the nightmare of his passivity
He rattles on the bars.
I want to tell him that the door is open,
But he doesn’t want to hear.
Buddha’s Eightfold Path to the Cessation of Suffering
Buddhism addresses human suffering as a consequence of excessive desire, aversion, and delusion. Buddhist practice suggests a path to the cessation of suffering by developing wisdom, compassion, and kindness.
The path is depicted by the DHARMA wheel with its eight spokes:
- Right SPEECH, right ACTION, and right LIVELIHOOD -
The genuine intention to be a decent person AKA “Do no harm.”
Ethical conduct relieves disturbing and delusional thinking, too.
- Right UNDERSTANDING and right THOUGHT
This is about seeking the truth and gaining insight into the true nature of things, such as the law of cause & effect, or Karma –
Meanwhile, one has the chance to develop wisdom.
- Right CONCENTRATION and right MINDFULNESS
Practice meditation regularly and develop the mind –
seeking compassion and loving kindness. Remember, there’s
A Higher Power and another reality beyond the physical.
- The eighth category is EFFORT
to dedicate your life to the formula LOVE-SERVE-REMEMBER.
This is it, the path to awakening and liberation
… and it may not look too desirable if you’re in search for
a quick fix for a chaotic life… suffering from depression & anxiety,
and self-medicating with alcohol & drugs.
However, we find that the pursuit of happiness breeds suffering, while the spiritual path leads out of the labyrinth of self-obsessed misery.
We may over-identify with memories and think that past events and past actions define us, but who we are and what we are is an extension of a Higher Power, which created us. An untamed mind produces a delusional view of reality – we perceive threats, and try to conquer demons, which only exist in our minds. Based on imaginary drama, we create continuous suffering for ourselves and others. Then we reduce our life to seeking pleasure and trying to avoid the vicious cycle of pain we brought about. This is how we create consequences to our own thoughts in the form of destructive behaviors such as procrastination, defiance, aggression, addiction, and other ways of acting out, such as the all-time favorite, blaming others for everything that doesn’t go our way.
As long as we annihilate ourselves and obliterate reality in the frantic pursuit of fun and delusion – our life has no meaning. Let us not forget that we are free to change and learn and make new choices as long as we live. Even though we have memories, we don’t have to succumb to the momentum of habit – at least not all the time. A life worth living requires the courage to endure discomfort, implement positive change whenever possible – and offer compassion and kindness. When we seek the truth and make ourselves useful, we develop some self-esteem in the process and we get to experience some contentment, too. That is THE MIDDLE PATH of enlightenment – to create inner balance and serenity.
“Happiness is a by-product of living the right kind of life, of doing the right thing. Do not search for happiness, search for right living and happiness will be your reward.” – Richmond Walker, Twenty-Four Hours a Day
3 x 3 Practice
If you find yourself at the mercy of upsetting events or people (that may not matter) suffering from habitual agitation and obsessive worrying, a regular breathing practice can help you (a lot).
Here it is - a shoehorn into meditation:
1) Sit comfortably, feet squarely on the floor; easily notice your aliveness within your
body, focus on your breath, effortlessly pumping fresh air in and used air out. Say
silently to yourself, “I breathe in good air. I breathe out used air.” Repeat 2 more
times. If you’d rather walk for this exercise, that’s cool, too.
2) Take a deep breath, hold it to the count of seven; gently release it. Breathe normally.
Repeat 2 more times.
3) Go back to easily noticing your aliveness via breath and airflow. Say silently to
yourself, “ I breathe in love. I breathe out love.” Repeat 2 more times.
This is an easy and comfortable way to distract yourself from anxiety and agitation, especially helpful if repeated every day, once or more times per day. Even if it takes a while, you will eventually notice that you can actually improve your ability to relax in this manner, simply through your own power. It’s encouraging.
Even if you take medication for mental-emotional issues, such a daily behavioral practice is very useful for counteracting agitation and regulating intensely uncomfortable emotional states. It can actually help to change your brain from hyper-reactivity to emotional stabilization and contain impulsive acting out.
Once you notice that you can feel more comfortable in this manner, you may then be emboldened to expand or extend the practice and create more equanimity. This can be the beginning of a meditation practice where you gradually take your power back from attachments to people and events. Depression and anxiety can wane, as a friendlier emotional climate emerges and you establish some inner balance.
The Four Noble Truths
Buddhism addresses the human condition with the concept of the Four Noble Truths:
1) Human suffering: People suffer because happiness is fleeting – it is constantly passing away as we try to hold onto it.
2) The cause of suffering: Ignorance, attachment, and aversion are the causes of our suffering.
3) Reduce suffering: If we attend to the root of suffering, suffering will ease.
4) The path: in order to achieve serenity and peace, we must follow a path of enlightenment.
Humans are ignorant. As we keep this in mind we improve insight and reduce ignorance. It can take a while to awaken to wisdom and even longer to integrate a higher consciousness in such a way that our life reflects it. Initially, we are unaware that our attitude, rather than real life circumstances, causes suffering. Driven by attachments and desires (wanting something) as well as aversion and fear (not wanting something) we are motivated for action, but we also experience frustrations, resistance, and defensiveness, experienced as anger. But we find that anger and happiness are mutually exclusive. Happy people are not angry. Angry people are not happy (at least not at the same time).
Suffering is linked to the human condition – it is a by-product of consciousness, which enables us to reminisce about past experiences and imagine things that don’t exist (while animals only respond to real events). Indulging in imaginary mental constructs we may regret the past or fear the future. We may desire to have something or to not have something – and we come to resist and twist fate. When that doesn’t work we maintain resistance and pursue desires – while foregoing serenity and peace. And so we suffer. We insist on acting out in anger, we confront others, and we compete for dominance - as if that’s what matters. We fight for our convictions as if we ever really know things with absolute certainty... We over-identify with the physical body as if that’s all we are.
We cannot help the human condition, where we get confused and lead astray. It does help, though, to practice mindfulness and direct our consciousness to a higher plane - where we live in acceptance and gratitude. Mindfulness is the way to cultivate equanimity and contentment.
UNMANAGEABLE
But there was a time
When I was torn between decisions,
Which seemed wrong,
And tempted by choices,
Which felt irrestible.
Lost in the maze, oblivious to the enigma,
Unable to decipher the hieroglyphics,
Overlooking the secret guideposts,
Illiterate to the right way,
Stumbling about blindly in the daily labyrinth,
My emotions were four times as big as me.
I just never knew how to maneuver.
I asked the people.
Only to be told opinions that weren’t mine,
Shown directions, I couldn’t really follow.
Times were full of regret and remorse,
As if my life could have been easier and better -
If only I’d known then what I saw later.
It was revealed in glimpses,
Relief could be had intermittently.
When I look on attentively, refrain from judgment,
Invite it all in as it unfolds - with playful welcome -
I am granted joyful equanimity,
Even in the midst of upheaval.
Those are the golden days,
Enchanted moments lift me out
To the magic that is forever available
If only I can remember to look up.
Is all.
An Actor
Speaker (21 years)
I am a two-bottom addict. I hit bottom with cocaine 30 years ago, then I hit a financial bottom. I didn’t want to admit that I had a problem with alcohol. I needed to numb myself. I didn’t want to feel my feelings. I was absolutely totally miserable. My life all around me was great, but I could not feel it. I went to lunch with my wife, ordered a bottle of wine, poured her a glass, and with 3 ½ glasses of wine I was absolutely insane and homicidal. I layed down next to my pool in my pretty house, the full moon was coming up and I started howling. Two coyotes howled back. I began to cry, weep, and sob convulsively. I couldn’t stop. I heard a voice speaking clearly to me, “You’re done.” I couldn’t even stand up. I crawled into my house. I don’t ever want to feel that way again.
I had always been terrified of being stupid, to suck at life. AA was gonna be the place to be the best Tony I could be and give it away as quickly as possible. The hero in Shakespeare dramas is always confronted with the known. And then there is a door to darkness and he has to walk through that door. Thoughts and challenges come up like in these plays. The peace of mind comes through that.
My first impulse as an alcoholic is always, “No!” I have been trying to learn and to grow by doing things differently, by trying to say “I don’t know.” I didn’t know that you could do that. When I did it my wife answered, “Could you think about it?” Later on I got to saying “I don’t know how to say yes to that” or I asked, “What do you think?” Things began to change.
I am not religious, but I like this Bible quote, “Be kind to strangers that you meet for you might encounter angels unaware.” I noticed that what I was missing my whole entire life was love. I realized that love is a verb, that I have to be the vessel for love, going forward and transmit the love to the person I meet, rather than regret the past. The winner thinks, “Let me be the best I can be today.”
I said the serenity prayer 35 times in an hour, then I spelled it… and forgot what it was that was bothering me that day. I try to be both, a hero and a worker among workers, and I want you to know that I have the utmost respect for you guys.
Heather
Speaker (17 years)
I needed to numb. I had no sense of self. I drank alcoholically to be mindful of my weight issues. I did know that I had to get sober – I was a habitual drunk driver, but I didn’t think that I was alcoholic. I also thought that I could manage and control it. I just wanted to be safe and OK, but I was not willing. What I prided myself on was being right.
I didn’t want to be part of. I was defiant and would not follow suggestions. I was not honest, ever, but I looked to you to tell me that I was safe. I didn’t have relationships. Also, I felt smarter than you. Getting your approval meant that I was OK.
I got a lot of painkillers for 18 surgeries. I was high and took cakes. That was the best I could do. My boyfriend was a crack addict. I worked and smoked crack and thought I don’t have a problem. Meanwhile, I was suicidal, sad, and miserable.
I couldn’t see me. I couldn’t handle my life. Everything was horrible. I was the girl with toxic insecurity, but it’s much easier to see what’s wrong with the world. The steps helped me to see that the fears ran me. I was told to take contrary action. I have to do gratitude work. My goal is to have my head and my feet in the same place. Today I choose not to act out.
I was really just looking for love and acceptance. The only way I feel OK is by giving love. The more connected I become the more I get to feel OK on that day. My brain just doesn’t let it be simple. So I struggle. It’s easy, but I make it hard.
Wave Good-bye with a little Smile
It’s not as though she’ll ever stop being an alcoholic.
A wave of hopelessness can flood in at any time
Out of left field and sweep her away into the pool of
Death-defying and baffling self-destruction
In spite of all the good that happened.
Holding on to life remains a highly questionable matter.
She must allow for inconsolable heartache about things,
A pervasive schism in her soul
that can be tentatively and temporarily mended,
But can instantly rip a lethal gash
In response to threat and resentment.
And her interest in hope could wane and vanish.
An abyss underfoot and she can’t brace herself,
She will wave good-bye with a little smile
So that you may turn around and leave her alone,
And she won’t hear unanswerable questions.
Her existential loneliness is the ultimate truth,
The longing for departure to another reality –
It’s is not so much a problem as it is a way out
From the incomprehensible human nature,
Rejecting you as she feels abandoned by everyone.
When she is ready to slide into the abyss,
She won’t hear you saying, “But I’m right here for you”…
Her eyes and ears turn inward to her precipice.
Irresistible. She can’t help it.