Die for Love

It can happen… that a woman has some ideas about men and relationships. The dude she likes may not even know or care about such things. Miscommunication can lead to trouble and so she suffers from disappointments, resentments, and a broken heart. Good communication, on the other hand, is overrated when she has unrealistic expectations, thinking that expressing thoughts and desires will lead to instant wish fulfillment. It’s usually not the case. More so it would be about a gradual negotiating of disharmony within, and also with a potential partner.
If we want to… we can learn some things about others, just by attentive listening and observation – and reduce unrealistic attitudes in a flash. Women can acknowledge that men may have different desires and joys – they may watch striptease or sports with tireless enthusiasm – and without being seen or spoken to... Men have sex with prostitutes – is a thing to consider when trying to understand the male mind. A relationship is easier for a woman who is not overly invested in illusions.
A woman may want to believe that there is more to it than some breathless stealthy rubbing between strangers in the night. Really, it’s all about desire – a physical need, a thought or stimulation, augmented by apparent indifference or ambiguity, maintained through unconscious connection (based on memory) . Expressed desire of an overly available woman, however, can backfire… and intimidate or unnerve the object of her fancy. In other words, the whole thing is more about dynamics and more or less forgotten memories. Also, it’s not nearly as much about youth and beauty as women are lead to believe - and more about pleasure, convenience, and maintenance of the enigma, i.e. absence of predictability and boredom.
Love is clearly not a requirement for sexual desire in the human male, and therefore sex should not be misinterpreted as love or even sincere interest. A woman wants to believe that a man can be trusted, that there is safety and genuine concern within the relationship of a man and a woman, that there is hope for bliss. And there is. It’s just not to be found through insistence on certain mental constructs at the expense of reality testing.
Of course I don’t mean to imply that all wo/men… this or that – but that’s just what a relationship is all about – getting to know another and finding out whether we have enough things in common to sustain an ongoing bond – which, alas, cannot be had against the will of the other, even if a woman so desires… It might be worth taking a look at one’s own history of what’s called insecure attachment.
Attachment Theory maintains that a reliable and predominantly positive attachment to a caregiver in early childhood is essential for normal psychosocial development. Consistency and continuity of love and nurture, particularly until age three, is key for “secure attachment.”
What is it that predisposes newly sober women to entertain such insistence and demand of things beyond reach? Frustrating and heart-breaking as it is, it says a lot more about the woman and her infancy than about the current object of her desire - the object for her projection – who unbeknownst to him, is chosen for affirming and nurturing roles… unless he doesn’t comply, in which case her “love” instantaneously transforms into sinister wrath. The dude may never find out or care about one or the other. It’s all in her mind – what she is trying to do (unbeknownst to her) is to resolve her early childhood pain with a live object. The current person qualifies only through his unavailability or incapability to be a good candidate for a solid and fulfilling bonding experience; in other words, she is attracted to what she has come to know her whole life – unhappy relationships. The current man reminds her of her mom and/or dad who were not available enough and made her suffer. She feels familiar with what she knows… she sees him and thinks, “I’m home!” but this time around, she is set on turning the “object” around - into a good one...
It appears that many alcoholic women continue to act out on their insecure attachment from early childhood and this may be why they have such difficult experiences with their love life, where abuse and abandonment is re-enacted compulsively. People get sober… and the despair and loneliness of their infancy, which had been drowned in alcohol rises up to plain sight. This is when a bond with another recovering addict (especially a sponsor) or psychotherapist can provide a “corrective emotional experience” and save the day, one day at a time. Re-parenting may be of the essence before one braves another attempt with romance.
Some of us relapse and overdose before they have had the time to process and heal their childhood trauma... they literally die for love.
See also Attachment and Loss, John Bowlby