Sisyphus

Sisyphus is a character in Greek mythology, who had to roll a boulder uphill forever. It was a brutally hard job and exhausting, too. He gave it all his strength and when he finally had the boulder all the way up on top of the mountain… it would roll back down… and so he had to resume his strenuous task, a never-ending exercise in futility. The formula resist & repeat is a metaphor for hell.

Some of us relate. We know how it feels… the dedication to an impossible endeavor, resistance to the course of events, the impulse to do that thing that has never worked out … and denial of all the evidence to the contrary. A fear-based life with a repetition compulsion is just like that – as though we live in Sisyphus hell – enslaved by the desire to enforce circumstances and control people for fear that they might follow their own desires and things would remain out of reach. A life without confidence in fate can lead a person astray to questionable habits and rituals to ward off disquieting thoughts and future dangers.

It can’t be done. It’s really a waste of lifetime – enforcing wish fulfillment must remain an intangible feat. Life is wild, mysterious, and never ever stagnant. The need to dominate and assert control can be based on unconscious impulses where we essentially attempt to undo memories from the past when we were helpless. This is an impossible task and we get more rigid with it as time goes on, especially when people remain unresponsive to our demands. We get exhausted and frustrated – and so do the others. If we are unable to let go, people may withdraw. If we seek to “take the edge off” and forget it all by using substances to alter reality we add another dimension of suffering. When we finally get tired of that, too, we might become interested in serenity and peace.

Even though your fear tells you to hold on tightly, you must let go. It is as if your car is sliding downhill on a curvy slippery road. Your brakes can get locked and you may slip into disaster. It is the release of the break lock that enables you to steer out of the predicament.

The life of Sisyphus lacked flexibility, optimism, and faith. It was more against something than for something. He didn’t rethink and adjust his approach, either. In the absurdity of his isolation, he didn’t learn and he didn’t offer anything. His mental and physical strength were wasted. In trying to escape the status quo it can happen… that a person slides into Sisyphus hell where he repeats a behavior and expects different results. The stubborn insistence on control takes meaning out of the equation. The natural train of events, as well as one’s own reactions (based largely on memory) are part of the equation. Any fervent and unrelenting desire, which interferes with acceptance of what is, would further a sense of existential emptiness and pervasive meaninglessness. Foregoing the freedom of choice on this day by acting helpless creates hopelessness in the process. It’s about offering our gifts for the day, but then… it’s about turning it over to the Higher Powers, whatever they may be.

Hell would be the refusal to let go, trust fate, or at least acknowledge one’s existential limitations. Life is all about trial and error – and we engage, grow, and evolve with our tasks. Meanwhile, fate unfolds as it must. It is when we try to resist and control things that we realize that we can’t. When we raise our awareness and make peace with the forces of destiny – we find relief. On the spiritual path we become mindful of the big picture. We know that we are meant to go along with the requirements of the moment, knowing that we are not given the power to enforce our will onto destiny.

Sometimes doing nothing else but listen to the wind and the birds can be the best course of action. In case you’d let go of the arduous effort to dominate the other… you allow them to be on their path, too… and to stop resisting you. Happiness is when you bless them either way.

The Child Whisperer

Some parents fear their children’s power and independence – and are tempted to use punishment and intimidation – often in order to relieve their own stress. Although little children do respond, such quick results come at a price. It’s most difficult to develop self-confidence when you’re little and unsafe. Instead, such a child would feel helpless, distrustful, hyper-vigilant, as well as anxious and perhaps secretive. Motivation to explore and create can be lost.

Children are socialized during a gradual process of learning about life, mostly through observation, trial and error. It takes a whole childhood to acquire rules of conduct and a lifetime to deal with the existential condition of being human. Meanwhile, the development of awareness takes decades (and beyond) and children usually don’t even know when their behavior is questionable. This is no reason for yelling or shaming. As a consequence of such strategies, “object referral” would be promoted – fear-based focus on others. Children learn to watch out, duck, and lie, just in case. They become fearful, insecure, and approval-seeking – or resentful, rebellious, and defiant. In order to get rid of their pent-up anger, they may look for someone, a weaker child or an animal, to victimize (called “displaced aggression”). Violence is a learned behavior - the attempt to resolve fear and helplessness.

A safe and nurturing childhood environment is of utmost importance for the development of emotional health. Extensive discomfort early on furthers all emotional disorders. Subsequently, there is excessive pursuit of relief and pleasure, which interferes with self-actualization - the choice of creativity and mastery of life tasks is compromised. A fear-based childhood is linked to self-defeating behaviors – and almost all addicts remember adverse childhood experiences and trauma.

When raising puppies, reward and punishment can be used successfully for teaching them certain behaviors – they don’t understand language much. Although a heavy reliance on punishment will even change a good-natured dog into an aggressive creature. Puppies, too, respond best to a gentle touch. Humans are much more complex and responses can be indirect and delayed. Although it can look as though operating with fear has its perks, it does not work out in the long run. A child needs to be seen, heard, and understood. She must know that she matters. If your child is problematic, you may have been teaching something different that you thought. You could have been scaring and confusing her and she may have become defensive and defiant.

Children are never “bad” – they are young and need to learn. Give yourself, as well as your child the space to make mistakes and learn from them,. You can be honest when you don’t know and explore solutions together. Children appreciate a sincere and genuine adult who doesn’t try to hide behind authoritative posturing. Encouraging guidance and a cooperative climate work best to further autonomous thinking, independent reasoning, and respect. Tell your child what you think - give her room to voice her thoughts, too. This is the way to encourage “self-referral” - focus on her own understanding of the situation at hand, rather than undue concern for other people and their judgments. For long-term positive results without any negative side effects, ever, use kind words and a soothing voice where you help your child to understand things.

Being a parent doesn’t mean that you’re always in a good mood. It’s O.K. to experience and express vulnerability and a range of feelings, as long as you don’t take your frustration out on your child. If you are dealing with issues of your own (or, worse, if you’re not dealing with your own issues) … it will affect your ability to be present and assist your child with her needs, but recovery also includes recovery for your child. If there has been damage due to your issues from your own childhood… today could be a good day to initiate the healing process. A mother who overcomes adversity can be most inspiring. You don’t have to pass it on any longer. Be honest - in a frame of love – where you don’t burden your child unduly. Remember that it’s your job to prepare her for life. Take it one day at a time, directing your attention to love and compassion.

The words you speak will become her inner voice (even when you’re gone). Derogatory and shaming words will take her self-confidence, but your loving and encouraging words will carry her through life like a charm. As a mother, that’s the power you have – teach her to listen to her heart and find her purpose in life. Look at the big picture. What is it that you want her to remember later on, when you are old? What do you want her to pass on to the next generation? Do that.

Ollie

When a fleeting little smile lit up his gray face he was a handsome dude and people would like him. To him it was random – he looked on, incredulous of kindness and display of positive regard. He couldn’t locate his role in the game of life and he became too rigid to be playful with it all. His back was stiff and his neck was thick from the chronic tension of generalized resistance. It was as though he carried a head ten times the size it really was.

Obsessing on the woman who left him, he stewed in angering fantasies, incessantly, as though it was about her and she would have been his one-and-only savior from drowning in a hostile world. He was blind to it – that it was him, choosing to focus on hostility every Minute of the day. Petrified in the futile defense against childhood terrors he felt powerless, without a clue about mutuality and the feelings he would evoke in others. The thought of his part in creating his own destiny was especially annoying to him. It was them. Always the others.

In treatment he was offered some tools, techniques, and concepts, but he was not really willing to participate, communicate, interact, and relate in a meaningful way. His hopelessness bread a dark and encompassing swamp, a sinkhole underfoot, threatening to swallow him forever. His rigid rejection of meaningful interaction turned communication into a stale endeavor, almost like trying to force-feed an anorexic woman, a losing battle. Unable to trust the process of living, he would not reach for the hope in a better future.

It didn’t start out this way. He was a sweet little boy, sensitive to his environment, wishing for tender love and care, but his needs for bonding with mommy went mostly unnoticed while she concerned herself with orderly and functional behaviors. He tried to run away from his military family in the most acceptable way – by running track. He did well for a while, but then his volatile anger got in the way. He fought a police officer and got expelled from military school.

He began to drink and look for older women to be taken care of. A symbiotic clinch was his idea of curing his livelong longing for mom’s love. He wouldn’t let go when such endeavors failed (or didn’t know how).

His sorrow festered into an all-consuming force and gradually he transformed into a fear-based and rigid alcoholic, oozing wrath, utterly disinterested in any productive life pursuits, while self-righteously insisting on the (last) woman he lost, in spite of the drama and violence that made their life a living hell.

Dominated by the mental constructs of his childhood, his will and his life was turned over to his own narrative, as though a ghost had infiltrated his mind, only to possess and choke off all options. Immersed in resistance, he couldn’t be recovered against his will. Treatment failed and he was taken to the Midnight Mission.

Samsara

“The mind is its own place and in itself can make heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven” - John Milton

The wheel of Samsara or wheel of life is a Buddhist metaphor for the way humans create suffering. Its three parts are the bird, the snake, and the pig, often depicted in a circle where they bite each other in the butt. The bird stands for attachment, passion, and greed, as in: “This is good – I want it, I need it, I must have more of it.” To the extent that we fall prey to insatiable desire, where nothing is ever enough, we suffer. The snake stands for fear, expressed as resistance, aversion, anger, and aggression, as in: “This is bad – I don’t want it, I fight it, I destroy it.” To the extent that we give in to fear, we resist life, and so we miss out on creating good things for ourselves and suffer. The pig stands for ignorance, delusion, and lack of wisdom. If we lack insight and good judgment, while continually acting out on impulse (based on desire and aversion) we cause fear and sadness for ourselves and others, thereby causing suffering.

When we experience life as difficult it is suggested to look for attitudes within and adjust them through spiritual practice where we attend to the moment. We are taught that it is not reality, but our perception of it that creates our suffering (!). Whether we suffer from anxiety, depression, addictions, impulse control or other disorders or difficulties (in other words, all of us), we are advised to raise our consciousness to a plane above the physical in order to find some serenity. As long as we cater to fear, we waste precious lifetime based on skewed perceptions. It is exhausting, too. We may seek distraction and oblivion without reflection and deliberation, but in the end it turns out that nothing good comes from acting out. It is a set-up for remorse, regret, and self-loathing later on when guilt and shame set in. This can trigger the need for denial, where we cast blame and resent others, without owning up to our part. Without sufficient examination of the truth and estranged from ourselves, we feel empty and lost. This is what happens when life energy is wasted on resistance instead of evolution. We let ourselves down, while also disappointing and discouraging our people in the process, as well. It’s disheartening.

Excessive desire is not really desire, but a demand placed on the forces that be. It cannot be fulfilled as such. The need for love and happiness is not satisfied by insisting that things ought to be a certain way, when they are not. Demanding different life circumstances, while exploiting resources and people does not attract the desired outcome. The attempt to coerce people and enforce a lucky fate is not a recipe for happiness.

The truth is that all of life belongs together and all living beings are part of an integrated and interdependent whole. We are meant to play our part. The antidote to fear is faith in a conscious creative energy and a meaningful universe. The solution is acceptance. Healing becomes possible on the path of understanding, compassion, and loving kindness.

The way out of suffering can be found by showing up for life on a daily basis. We are meant to contribute our gifts with an attitude of gratitude and humility. It helps to keep an open mind without contempt for our flaws. We must be willing to walk through our fears. As we seek the truth, the forces of delusion, attachment, and aversion lose their power over us. When our perception changes we can move from struggling against life to befriending reality. It’s easier that way…

When we see that excessive desire, resistance, and resentment don’t work for us, we can eventually learn to let go. It does require daily repetition so that we don’t slide back into fear-based thinking. The practice of mindfulness in meditation and prayer is the way to get to know ourselves and eventually make peace with the pain and uncertainty of life. Enlightened beings dedicate energy to the eradication of suffering in others and in the process… they find liberation from their own suffering.

“I welcome everything. I resist nothing” - Buddhist saying

P.S. In Tibetan Medicine the three parts of the wheel of Samsara (desire, aversion, ignorance) are understood as three poisons, which cause toxic energy within and may eventually manifest in emotional, mental, and physical illness.

The Original Sin

The scriptures are a rich source of wisdom. Predating legislation as we know it, they provided guidelines for decent conduct and common law at a time when penal codes and prisons had not been invented yet. The early religions took it upon themselves to conceptualize punishment for disorderly and anti-social conduct in the form of purgatory and hell. God was presented as an omniscient and mostly unforgiving father who would inflict judgment from above as punishment for transgressions against society. Fear of God was used to threaten and intimidate people into submission. Personal and interpersonal consequences in the form of shame, guilt, and blame became a readily available by-product to be used for further manipulation of children (and adults, too).

Bible tales are lovely for their symbolic content, but the concept of the original sin can be troubling unless it is understood within the only meaning that could possibly make sense – as the human condition of being born ignorant and flawed, and with instincts and impulses for aggressive and sexual behaviors, which can engender suffering. No matter how smart and kind we are, no matter how much we have learned, we make mistakes, we hurt others and ourselves.

Throughout life, all of us are subject to errors in thinking and free to learn from it or not. How could God have created us this way? The answer is to be understood within the larger context of life - we are alive and life means change. Everything in this universe is possible – the whole rainbow of possibilities, all in constant motion. There is no stagnation - subject to the linear progression of time, everything must grow or wither, evolve or deteriorate. Animals follow their survival instinct to sustain their own life and preserve their species, but humans are endowed with awareness and the power of choice – introducing complexity and ambiguity. Mental constructs and perceptions come into play on the basis of intelligence and experience. Priorities and consequences are to be considered. We are to make decisions without sufficient information, and then… we are held responsible.

On the other hand, if we would know the whole truth, our thinking process would be dispensable and freedom would be lost - we would have to do the right thing at all times without maturing and evolving toward a higher level of consciousness. If we were perfect and all-knowing… we would not be human. We would not learn, grow, change, improve understanding, and acquire wisdom through life’s struggles. As it is, we develop intuition and a sense of self through discernment, while navigating through the labyrinth of the unknown, unsure of the route taken. Basically, our imperfection is the perfect equipment for making this whole earthly journey exciting and worthwhile.

Some of us are born with a clear and astute mind, grow up in a loving and nurturing environment – and proceed to have good productive lives, giving back to the world what we were given. Others may be born with an emotional imbalance and/or addictive tendencies – and the urge to seek relief. Some people are subjected to abuse or neglect in childhood – and may go through life confused and in need of expressing the pain they had to endure.

Whatever the case may be, we are all doing our best with the cards we have been dealt. Nobody seeks failure. The creative force that created this amazing universe could not punish us forever in some afterlife for being as we were created. It makes no sense. We could call it the human condition instead of original sin. We could look at ourselves just like our children – with room to learn, grow, heal, and make some choices along the way. We are free to welcome and humbly accept human nature as is, even though humans may not be endearing on the whole, even when human behaviors are objectionable. Our lives may not all look pretty and our actions may not seem right all the time, but one could choose a good attitude and be grateful for some of the good stuff, while practicing forgiveness and compassion. What if judgment day never comes?

What If?

What if

your fate had meaning?

And all your experiences

happened for your benefit

in the end?

What if you were

exposed to suffering

to break through

to a higher understanding?

What if your childhood sorrow

had to happen

to demonstrate

the triumph of the human spirit,

the magic of forgiveness, and

the power of compassion

to liberate you

from judgment and

resentment?

What if

you could release

your tormentor and

lover, and

find liberation from trauma

to heal?

Tell me,

could you imagine

a happy ending?

And allow for a metamorphosis

where self-love would

trump the imaginary attachment

to that which is

bonded to misery?

Tell me,

could it happen?

The transition to

where you allow for a good life?

If you say, YESS,

I will run and

let some other survivors know…

without delay.

Paradise Lost

The book of Genesis describes a delightful Garden of Eden for Adam and Eve to inhabit up until they were expelled from paradise as punishment for eating from the forbidden “tree of knowledge” and noticed that they were naked – a beautiful metaphor for the budding human consciousness when the new part of our brain, the neo cortex, had evolved beyond animal instinct.

At that level human awareness had expanded beyond the animalistic need to sustain life. We had begun to think, but (as the story goes) we were doomed to suffer through the power of the mind. Paradise was lost when we became aware of our existence – we saw that we were exposed and vulnerable, at the mercy of unfathomable powers, which were to remain veiled. Our newly acquired consciousness came at a high price - blissful innocence was lost forever. Present-moment awareness became fickle. Enter reasoning, ambivalence, and confusion. Ashamed of our weakness, we wished to hide our flaws. We tried to remember and imagine a better way, but shame, remorse, regret, and fear had begun to penetrate our consciousness. What to do?

Childbirth came to be experienced as a painful event. Adam’s son Cain who killed his brother Able was condemned to wander the earth – a story about envy, murder, and the tragedy of acting out on aggressive impulses. We are told that a moral standard of conduct is of the essence in order to live comfortably with ourselves and each other, lest we are expelled from the community that sustains life. Migrations to unknown places in search of greener pastures would, by their very nature, engender hardships and grave dangers, while farming was brutal work where weather remained unreliable and famines came about when the crop was diseased.

Anthropology sets the advent of Homo Sapiens at the time when we began to bury our dead, suggesting the beginning of abstract thinking, a thought process beyond basic instinctual needs, cooperation with the clan, and the idea of a soul that might live on – potentially leading to thoughts of mysterious Divine forces, which might await us in afterlife – a scientific version of the paradise-lost scenario. We began to project our newly acquired consciousness to abstract concepts like good or bad – and began to wonder about the cause-and-effect relationship between actions and destiny. A need arose for knowledge – in trying to master the reality around us, we sought to connect with the powers beyond our understanding for good fortune – influence fate and ensure the absence of hunger, pain, and suffering.

From then on we were no longer defined and limited by the fight-or-flight response. We began to string a narrative of life experiences, including remembered things from the past, and beyond, the experiences of others. Dreams, wishes, fantasies came about in the process of telling our stories, sometimes including things that were not there… Thinking about scary situations could evoke fear (even without any present danger), anger, and resentments, just like that. We speculated about the ultimate nature of things, but reliable knowledge was hard to come by. We sought to understand fate as a consequence of our actions rather than random occurrences, we tried to explain bad luck as punishment for things we had done – and reduce the discomfort of the emerging and troubling uncertainty via dedication to the mysterious laws of existence. Through communication with a Higher Power in prayer we expressed a desire to influence the spirit world and avert hardship.

My cats on the other hand… they dwell in paradise - in the eternal now, never disquieted by fictitious threats, blissfully unaware of potential dangers. Their discomfort ceases quickly in response to momentary stimulations. Their minds can’t project to anything beyond their immediate physical being, and so… they are free to relax and purr in the absence of clear and present danger.

Spiritual masters advise to dive into present-moment awareness and set anchor via deliberate breathing into the paradisal state of peace, BUT for us humans it requires practice. They say it’s worthwhile…

Stress - or - Are We Having Fun Yet?

Stress or distress is a coverall for all kinds of habitual tension states, often based on a sense of duty and responsibility, but as the chance for joy is sacrificed for a fictitious goal, stress is ultimately dysfunctional.

When people work too much, worry to much, or take on too many responsibilities, the result is the manifestation of a generalized tension state in the body, often experienced as a “pain in the neck” or other aches and pains. There is a sense of urgency around relentless underlying thoughts, jumbled and clustered around ALL things that ought to be done, but aren’t being done quickly enough. Although the intention may be good, in all reality, chronic stress is a killer - one can eventually become ill or succumb to the temptation to seek out tension relief with the help of alcohol/drugs or other compulsive activities. In the meantime, precious lifetime is irretrievably lost… meaningful relationships with people or activities, which matter, are put on indefinite hold until they are lost. The stressed person misses out on life’s pleasures until s/he gets too stiff and old for hobbies and joyful activities. Some people make money in the process. Some people lose the money they made…

If you can’t give yourself permission to take good care of yourself or get recovery from an illness or addiction, it may be time to look into treatment for your underlying lack of self-love, which could originate in childhood experiences, possibly because in your family TLC for your needs was not a priority. Today is a good day to learn that your needs do matter and that you deserve good care and nurture. When you get your bearings, make the wellbeing of the people who love and need you a priority, as well. While you’re busy healing and establishing balance in your life… joy can be found and when you bring joy to others… you’re precious to them and your life has meaning.

Stress is usually about trying to reach a future something, but life only takes place in the eternal now, and so… stress is based on an error. The spiritual maxim of mindfulness teaches, “the path is the goal.” Take good care of the present moment.

Paradigm Shift

“Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realize we cannot eat money.” - Cree Indian Proverb

IT MIGHT BE TIME for a paradigm shift…

So far… it has been about

mastering personal experiences,

breeding and protecting one’s own little family,

defending religious beliefs of one’s clan,

and the conviction that one’s people are

somehow better than the others,

where other people, religions, and nations were despised

to justify otherwise unjustifiable behaviors

against other living beings.

If all that didn’t work out,

we opted for long-distance migrations to greener pastures or,

for the faint at heart,

fictional departure with denial and delusion.

WE HAVE BUILT WALLS and prisons for “the others.”

We have traveled to drop bombs in distant countries,

but now we see... it’s us – WE ARE THE ENEMY –

collectively we’re blowing the future.

Chemicals and technology are making us sick.

Our plastic litter covers remote South Sea islands.

No one knows how to dispose of nuclear waste.

TODAY IS A GOOD DAY to see that…

the approach is getting old

when the mood is ruined with disturbing news

of globalized predicaments and nowhere left to run.

As it is, our own footprints are a menace to all,

even future generations.

It is of the essence to understand the cycle of life

that unites all beings while the energy travels through us

and the earth keeps turning.

LET'S IGNITE

a reorientation for our precious blue planet!

The privileged few are to understand that their happiness

won’t remain sustainable amidst a suffocating environment.

One way or the other…

Global consciousness WILL come to a tipping point

where we see that ALL IS ONE –

either by working together for a common future -

or perish during man-made destabilization of

the heavenly balance we were given.

I do believe that time is running out.

THE TIME HAS COME to know what’s up…

stop sawing on the branch we’re sitting on

and turn our fate around.

For humans and animals to survive,

a paradigm shift* must take place -

shedding primitive disregard of “the others” and

embracing a unified field concept to include all -

where we evolve from the brutish fight & destroy mode,

knowing that we manifest our visions.

When ignorant polarization dissolves

on a higher plane, we realize:

It’s not us against them, but just us –

we’re in this together -

denial and resistance fade, and

the fear makes way for hope.

IMAGINE…

That we release the maxim of our ancestors -

“breed, fight, and dominate” - for a higher consciousness,

replacing resistance and aggression with a better idea...

Zen and The Law of Attraction instruct us that we

become what we think: “Visualize and materialize”

While we’re busy saving the planet, we’d inadvertently

Also do some good for the happiness of our children,

And really, for us all.

Let’s imagine, attract, and create a prosperous future, shall we?

"Visualize and materialize" - Jimi Hendrix

* Paradigm = generally accepted mental construct, taken for truth

Addicts and Jews

(I am a double-winner here…)

To the outsider it may look like

We have a choice in the matter.

But no. Not really.

It’s not an option. We are born into it.

Our families reflect and cultivate it throughout.

It’s our nature to be this way,

An inescapable inner reality

Dictates our behavior with irresistible intensity.

Ours is a stark reaction to things.

We feel different, because we are.

To us, the others seem self-assured and self-righteous –

Glad they are not like us.

We’re more intense and sensitive,

Fearful and a bit hyper-vigilant perhaps,

Outsiders of mainstream society for various reasons.

Partly it’s an answer to their response to us –

A long history of shame and blame,

Where our behaviors are scrutinized and judged,

Our civil rights routinely taken -

A chain reaction of resistance and defensiveness

And consequently defiance (of course), and

We may say that we are smart and special,

But in all honesty, that’s just a defense.

It’s not really ever easy for us, but

We can’t imagine belonging in the other camp.

And we don’t want to, either.*

Jews may argue that their position is more honorable

And less controversial, that they behave with decency.

That may be the case, but how much has that helped?

The fault lies with the underdog…

We have to deal with it.

Much easier to own the position as outcasts,

Mindful of our own conduct and supportive of each other.

Find consolation, strength, and joy through

Belonging to the tribe and caring

About all sentient beings.

* there it is: the defiance

Muted

Happiness was nightmarishly elusive,

Then ecstatically and enthusiastically

Pursued with rituals and toxins.

A chemical reaction like perma-setting

Had bonded intoxication with fun -

and it became the only way.

Sorely missed relief from existential suffering

And self-inflicted tortures, too,

Were blamed on participants of a quickly paling past.

Meanwhile, the ability to function and provide,

While dying inside, was irretrievably lost.

The soul was silenced and the life force was muted.

The body was stuffed and starved, caressed and injured,

But the solution was not to be found

On the physical plane.

The faulty mechanism had to be disabled

And a functional default mode was to be set

To sustain life and enable some bliss.

It turns out that it’s all about being here

with an open heart – show up for each other, be kind,

And don’t forget to bring along some humor.

I AM TRAYVON

I am a Jew and a woman and my name is Trayvon.

Some people may see something in me,

Then love and hate that thing they see.

We bring some gifts along and

Exchange what we got.

A random stranger may look for a victim

And here I am. I fit the bill.

Meanwhile, I am a spirit being

Dwelling in this wondrous vehicle of flesh

That carries me through the journey of life

Without a roadmap to call my own. At all.

The color of my eyes doesn’t define me, but

My actions, they have consequences.

Sometimes I got the power to

Alter the direction of my trip

As I see fit. Not always.

I am meant to transcend it all

With other living beings on the path, and

Make some sense of things.

It can be a joyride or obstacle course,

The finish line remains the same.

Time and circumstances are veiled.

It can happen that I meet

An unexpected foe on a pretty summer night

And my life expires. Just like that.

Resistant World Victim

Some things had happened and they were not pretty. A young girl had overdosed. Family life had been a drag. Some friends were sick. Others didn’t call. She felt judged and criticized. Success was slow to come. US politics and world affairs were troubling.

After knowing of alignment with the forces of fate… … resistance raised its ugly head again. She began to obsess over a variety of fictitious existential and global dangers, the ugly things people do, and the suffering of victims. Meanwhile, movement, joy, laughter, and fun slipped through her fingers. The ensuing depression became physically painful. Waking up every morning with her heart beating hard, her neck stiff and aching, it became harder to go for a walk or a swim. She began to fear and dislike her work (that she once loved), becoming increasingly immobilized with avoidance and procrastination. She sank into withdrawal and Isolation.

The cat was her little angel during all this time. Sitting with her, looking her lovingly in the eye, pushing her down with his little paw to relax, but it was like a drop in the bucket… In sobriety she was silently dying of alcoholism. No one knew, and world affairs did NOT improve as a consequence of her mental torture… One thousand nuisances had consolidated into a toxic mass in her soul. The suffering that wasn’t hers had become her own. In her own mind she had become all tortured creatures (not a good thing, any way you look at it). A silent scream was choking her - with frantic desires to be safe and perfect, a successful professional, kind to all. It did not work out that way. She had to become a tad more humble and let go of such demands.

When an old friend came to town, she poured her heart out (unexpectedly so). She finally spoke about her misguided compassion with unknown abuse victims, fantasies that had been flooding her in a general and utterly useless way. Hours passed and she did feel better for a moment (the friend didn’t… ). Sorry about that, she apologized and realized what was happening… that she was oozing pain indiscriminately and inconsiderately.

She was to identify and own her anguish, realizing that upsetting thoughts had to be identified and examined. She had to open herself to life as is (rather than what she thought it ought to be). The descent into the hell of fears and fantasized dangers would remain accessible at all times… but she began to understand her life force within the current moment. No one would help her against her wish… as long as when the doors of her own prison remained locked from the inside.

Resistance to life had grown all around her like giant underwater kelp, pulling her down, incapacitating her. Slowed down almost to a halt, just before she would drown in her own bondage (which masqued as compassion with all mankind) her life force kicked in just a tiny little bit, telling her to begin with physical exercises at home to relieve the tension and stiffness that had set in. Within a few days she went for a swim and a walk. Not really believing in it, and although she was beyond experiencing pleasure or even relief, she did it anyway. She began to read (just a little bit) and meditate again and so she got some little breaks now and again from the toxic soup of her own alcoholic head and its apocalyptic theme. One day she woke up with the thought of writing a daily journal – rather than stressing over chores and duties.

Her fear subsided in direct proportion to her participation in movement and spiritual practice. It dawned on her… slacking on daily mental hygiene tools, she had been returning to a dreamy state and unknowingly…. she had been sliding into an old and familiar nightmare. Just like that. She had to remember that mental self-torture is futile, just a nasty form of self-abuse, surrender it to the forces that be, recommit to take good care of herself, let it be what it is – all of that.

There is no love without self-love. She knows now to give herself permission for daily happiness. Only when she can look at the world with a smile for being alive on this day… will she see life as worth living.

THE ENEMY WITHIN

There was some sobriety and some success.

With people she bent over backwards,

Applied herself, tried too hard to make it happen.

Not knowing that a feeling was to show up unexpectedly,

Representing her to the person before her –

Funny at the moment, ugly a Minute later,

Interference from the enemy within.

She was like the cow that gave a bucket of milk

Only to kick it over. Bam. For no reason at all.

Just like that.

She went through reactions to real and imagined events.

Most of all the suffered from gut-churning regrets

Over words and deeds that poured out,

Before her consciousness could catch up,

Sliding in and mocking her.

She cringed over sabotaging her life,

Past and future, seemingly avoidable,

Wishing to be normal and bland,

Yearning to be average and invisible.

It wasn’t given to her to be unobjectionable at will.

Incapable of preventing or stopping a long forgotten past,

That left her easily disquieted and perhaps a bit intense.

She remained a liability to herself,

Bemoaning her lack of casual smoothness.

Hers was a stark reality. People were crude.

Her disposition remained easily unsettled,

When things were less than pleasant.

Too slow to stop the dybbuk who spoke with her mouth.

The harder she tried to suppress it all,

The worse he did her.

A toxic fog of hopelessness drifted in.

Without other options she was defeated,

She was tired and it came to where

She just had to let it go, the good and the bad.

She laughed in his face and he paled.

It wasn’t until then that she saw it clearly…

It wasn’t just a dybbuk, but rather a chain of ancestors,

Survivors of wild and impossible migrations,

Living forth within her and through her,

Requesting recognition.

These spirits were not to be silenced,

They were to be recognized and honored.

Only then would they quit it

With the interference in her own little life.

Once she knowingly accepted the torch of life

on behalf of them all

they were free to be of loving service to her.

They’re saying: The world is wild.

Life is unpredictable.

Jump in and make a splash while you can!

You are who you are because of us.

Today it’s on you to carry the torch of life.

We are with you. Always.

P.S.

“In Jewish mythology a dybbuk is a malicious or malevolent possessing spirit believed to be the dislocated soul of a dead person.” - Wikipedia

See also psychodynamic theory for unconscious motivations, ego-defense mechanisms, projective identification, introject. It can go like this: In childhood I felt rejected - I learned, incorporating this into my self-concept as an introject – this is why I reject myself - I behave accordingly, expressing it with behaviors, which sabotage my success - others respond, where I bring out rejection in others, thus confirming and reinforcing my belief.

See also epigenetics for genetic transmission of emotionally salient experiences, i.e. traumatic experiences tend to be passed on over generations.

See also limbic hijack for neurological explanation, i.e hyper-excitable amygdala overrides activation of pre-frontal cortex – consequently insight, judgment, and impulse control are compromised.

Dog Race

“Everything is illuminated

within the light of the past...”

- lyrics, Everything is Illuminated

Everyone has his own life to live.

We just can’t help it.

A sign is held up ahead like the sausage at the dog race:

“you must be young and pretty, thin and rich.”

Meanwhile, it’s not about that at all.

The surrounding wants to be acknowledged.

We ache to be seen and understood -

and have some joy, too.

But then it’s about participation,

thoughts, words, and actions,

the traces of our existence -

but even that’s fleeting.

May be it’s rather about the wind

gently touching the skin as we rush along,

the blissful moments shared

with a human or furry little animal.

Could be, you know.

P.S. Not a one of the dogs actually gets the sausage.

Sadly, it’s a futile quest.

"Start wearing purple for me now.

All your sanity and wit will all vanish.

It's just a matter of time"

- lyrics, Everything is Illuminated

Um die Wurst

“Everything is illuminated within the light of the past...” - Zitat, Everything is Illuminated

Jeder hat sein eigenes Leben zu leben.

Man kann ja doch nicht anders.

Das Jung, Schoen, Dünn und Reichsein

wird einem als Ziel vorgegaukelt -

wie die Wurst beim Hunderennen -

dabei geht’s doch aber gar nicht um die Wurst.

Das ganze Drumherum will wahrgenommen werden.

Jeder will gesehen und verstanden werden

Und ein bisschen Freude haben.

Aber dann geht’s doch um die Teilnahme,

die Gedanken, Worte und Taten,

die zurückgelassenen Lebensspuren,

aber auch die nur ganz flüchtig.

Vielleicht schon eher um die Luft,

die man beim Dahineilen auf der Haut spürt und

die Momente des geteilten Glücks

mit einem Menschen oder einem Pelztierchen.

Könnte doch sein.

P.S. Kein einziger Hund kriegt die Wurst.

"Start wearing purple for me now. All your sanity and wit will all vanish. It's just a matter of time" - Zitat, Everything is Illuminated

14

in recovery I learned to forgive myself (and consequently others), love my dad in gratitude, appreciate people and things, make myself useful, expect change, don’t expect things from people, (especially when I have been helping them out), be grateful for everyone and everything, smile when people do weird things (they often do). On the days I can remember (these re-adjustments to my perception…) i can have a good day. i take it. P.S. God is the wind (aka energy). Life, places, and beings are manifestations of Divine energy. Most Germans and Arabs love their children and don’t want to kill anyone.

Prognosis

“You got no chance, but use it” – Werner Herzog, movie title

The good news first - it is treatable (but really… alcoholism is a progressive and fatal disease). Alcoholics Anonymous calls it a “seemingly hopeless state of mind and body”. These days we don’t differentiate much between addictions to various substances – liquid, pill, or powder, legal or not, OTC or prescription. It doesn’t matter. It resides within - a chronic condition, which requires ongoing treatment. It is also a disease of perceptual distortion and commitment to oblivion, which is tricky when one “is driven by one hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity” (AA big book pp 62).

At the time an alcoholic seeks treatment, he is most probably flooded with hopeless self-loathing. Treatment will be about reinstituting hope and a practicable long-term solution. Since most addicts are dealing with trauma and emotional vulnerabilities it is highly recommended to provide a structured and long-term supportive treatment program. It’s good to have a formula for psychic change and a safety net for fluctuating moods in early recovery.

Psychiatrist Dr. Harry M. Tiebout suggests in his famous paper (1953) that successful recovery requires surrender (which traditionally follows admission of defeat). He contrasts surrender with compliance, which would not suffice. If an alcoholic can understand that only complete abstinence will recover mental health and with that the chance for a good life, he may be willing to endure the confusion and suffering, while his brain undergoes a transformative process.

Working in recovery is all about service. We offer our experience, strength, and hope. We meet the addict where he is at on his path, rather than where we may think he ought to be. It’s not our job to fix him. We encourage him to embrace healing and growth, while taking responsibility for his actions. We offer unconditional love, compassion, support and much patience, while he struggles with mental ambivalence, disturbing thought process, and overwhelming emotional intensity during the early part of the journey.

Working with alcoholics can be heartbreaking, too, as some of them may unpredictably go back into denial. They change their minds halfway through the dire straights of life, dropping out when reality hits with the wreckage of the past. It has been said that relapse is part of recovery. That’s not necessarily true – although that’s the reason why prognosis for recovery can be questionable. The crucial factor is willingness to replace the death-defying commitment to the powers of destruction with the courageous surrender to life. What matters is that there is a solution - but it’s on him to hold on.

Addiction is the only disease where recovery rests entirely with the patient’s continuing self-diagnosis and surrender to the process. This commitment provides a fantastic prognosis as long as he stays with it “one day at a time.” Compared to living in the disease it’s not even difficult at all. But…“If a man doesn’t want to hear, no one can tell him.”

Beautiful Eyes

“I can’t get not satisfaction” – lyrics, Mick Jagger

She was never a playful little girl. She felt anxious and listless and her mental climate was foggy. Always. Didn’t know about drugs as a teenager. Nobody gave her any. “The boys told me that I have beautiful eyes and tits. I had neither, and so I knew they were lying,” is what she says.

But she loved the excitement of meeting a boy, sometimes just through seeing him or wanting to see him. She began to live for that. She needed that fix for her mood. Romance became the raison d’etre, her reason to live. Later on she would have to leave her partners when the thrill was gone.

She knew she had to do something to create a life, a source of income, because her budding love & sex addiction had become non-negotiable. When her dad gave her the option to finance a University education or a substantial endowment for a marriage (whenever that would be) she knew she had to choose the education, as he was not going to agree to any marriage partner she would pick. Her criteria were simply not socially acceptable.

So she decided to move very far away from limiting and useless social mores, cross the ocean, and live in LA, where she had contact to some famous musicians. The plan was to study at UCLA and be in a good mood in an endless-summer kind of lifestyle. It seemed to be a promising location where nothing would stand in the way of sex, drugs, and rock’n roll.

The reality was harsh. She was unbearably lonely, tried to connect here and there at the Rainbow Bar & Grill on Sunset Strip (it was the 70ies) on weekdays after midnight, wondering why she met weird guys. The results were not to write home about. While she was dancing with oblivion her beautiful purse (the coolest ever) was stolen around 3am with everything in it. There she was, alone, in a foreign country, far away from her L.A. home, with no one to help her out – and her journey through addiction had not even really begun. She was just putting together the parameters for the life of an alcoholic woman. For 10 years she’d give it her all. She married the best husband of them all, had a perfect baby girl, and got a Master’s Degree with straight A’s. And then she just had to go and seek some more excitement that she called fun. She tried to get some consolation from her silently increasing despair and found that love is not so easy to come by when you’re needy like that.

Eventually, she decided to move far away from the realm of the hungry ghosts. Her best thinking was to take her 4-year old daughter, get into a relationship with a 20-year old guy, move back to the U.K, and marry him. Her poor dad was exasperated… but she had no interest in compassion then. 15 years of heroin addiction followed, and that’s the truth.

Many years have passed since. She is back in L.A. clean and sober. When she works with recovering addicts she sees that most of them are willing to give sobriety a chance, but they still think, “Girls, they wanna have fun.” As long as the pursuit of breathless excitement remains their # 1 priority it will take them out. This is what she observed over and over. The way she sees it, “It’s sad when you look on, but it’s bitter when you’re in it.”

The pursuit of fun & excitement got demoted from #1 position. In AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) she gets the chance to find some peace of mind as long as she makes recovery her #1 priority. Sex & love addiction must be addressed for what it is – the desperate pursuit of mood-alteration at any price. Some call it fun, but it is just another face of alcoholism, where everything is sacrificed for departure from reality. No good life to be had.

The difference between chemicals from the outside or (endogenous) chemicals released by the brain is negligible. It’s the result that matters. She looked at what it did to her self-esteem, career, social standing, and her sense of peace. She began to see her daughter’s eyes - and she made the choice to give her permission to be happy rather than robbing her of hope. Today her focus is on bringing love and compassion … and this is what she gets in return. She has become a trustworthy and respected person. She's come a long way.

“After a while the finesse, charm, and good looks start to fade along with the good judgment” – quote, AA speaker

Ain't It Grand?

A match made in heaven,

Both are newly clean…

There’s chemistry and hope,

And one thing leads to another.

At first she takes him to the pelicans,

And later he shows her the blues.

She will hold on to sobriety,

And he hangs on to hers.

She buys things for the house,

But he’s got to get the booze.

She won’t forget a thing,

He can't really remember.

She’s busy getting things together,

He still speaks of his big brother.

Every morning he walks her to the car,

She’ll be at work when he plays at the bar.

Moving forward, he won’t come with,

And neither is he willing to go away.

Using all she got, her life gets small,

While to him nothing matters at all.

To her it looks futile, she is sad,

He laughs loudly, and he also gets mad.

From carrying all the burden

Her neck begins to break,

While he can’t even carry his own weight.

Eventually, his hustle gets old,

And ever so slowly her love gets cold.

When she takes him back to rehab

After 13 years

She is over the moon to drive away

Alone.

““The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through

the lives of others. Hearts are broken.

Sweet relationships are dead.

Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil.

He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar

to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked,

‘Ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowin’?”

– quote AA big book, pp82