Speaker (21 years)
I am a two-bottom addict. I hit bottom with cocaine 30 years ago, then I hit a financial bottom. I didn’t want to admit that I had a problem with alcohol. I needed to numb myself. I didn’t want to feel my feelings. I was absolutely totally miserable. My life all around me was great, but I could not feel it. I went to lunch with my wife, ordered a bottle of wine, poured her a glass, and with 3 ½ glasses of wine I was absolutely insane and homicidal. I layed down next to my pool in my pretty house, the full moon was coming up and I started howling. Two coyotes howled back. I began to cry, weep, and sob convulsively. I couldn’t stop. I heard a voice speaking clearly to me, “You’re done.” I couldn’t even stand up. I crawled into my house. I don’t ever want to feel that way again.
I had always been terrified of being stupid, to suck at life. AA was gonna be the place to be the best Tony I could be and give it away as quickly as possible. The hero in Shakespeare dramas is always confronted with the known. And then there is a door to darkness and he has to walk through that door. Thoughts and challenges come up like in these plays. The peace of mind comes through that.
My first impulse as an alcoholic is always, “No!” I have been trying to learn and to grow by doing things differently, by trying to say “I don’t know.” I didn’t know that you could do that. When I did it my wife answered, “Could you think about it?” Later on I got to saying “I don’t know how to say yes to that” or I asked, “What do you think?” Things began to change.
I am not religious, but I like this Bible quote, “Be kind to strangers that you meet for you might encounter angels unaware.” I noticed that what I was missing my whole entire life was love. I realized that love is a verb, that I have to be the vessel for love, going forward and transmit the love to the person I meet, rather than regret the past. The winner thinks, “Let me be the best I can be today.”
I said the serenity prayer 35 times in an hour, then I spelled it… and forgot what it was that was bothering me that day. I try to be both, a hero and a worker among workers, and I want you to know that I have the utmost respect for you guys.