Speaker (17 years)
I needed to numb. I had no sense of self. I drank alcoholically to be mindful of my weight issues. I did know that I had to get sober – I was a habitual drunk driver, but I didn’t think that I was alcoholic. I also thought that I could manage and control it. I just wanted to be safe and OK, but I was not willing. What I prided myself on was being right.
I didn’t want to be part of. I was defiant and would not follow suggestions. I was not honest, ever, but I looked to you to tell me that I was safe. I didn’t have relationships. Also, I felt smarter than you. Getting your approval meant that I was OK.
I got a lot of painkillers for 18 surgeries. I was high and took cakes. That was the best I could do. My boyfriend was a crack addict. I worked and smoked crack and thought I don’t have a problem. Meanwhile, I was suicidal, sad, and miserable.
I couldn’t see me. I couldn’t handle my life. Everything was horrible. I was the girl with toxic insecurity, but it’s much easier to see what’s wrong with the world. The steps helped me to see that the fears ran me. I was told to take contrary action. I have to do gratitude work. My goal is to have my head and my feet in the same place. Today I choose not to act out.
I was really just looking for love and acceptance. The only way I feel OK is by giving love. The more connected I become the more I get to feel OK on that day. My brain just doesn’t let it be simple. So I struggle. It’s easy, but I make it hard.