Samsara

“The mind is its own place and in itself can make heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven” - John Milton

The wheel of Samsara or wheel of life is a Buddhist metaphor for the way humans create suffering. Its three parts are the bird, the snake, and the pig, often depicted in a circle where they bite each other in the butt. The bird stands for attachment, passion, and greed, as in: “This is good – I want it, I need it, I must have more of it.” To the extent that we fall prey to insatiable desire, where nothing is ever enough, we suffer. The snake stands for fear, expressed as resistance, aversion, anger, and aggression, as in: “This is bad – I don’t want it, I fight it, I destroy it.” To the extent that we give in to fear, we resist life, and so we miss out on creating good things for ourselves and suffer. The pig stands for ignorance, delusion, and lack of wisdom. If we lack insight and good judgment, while continually acting out on impulse (based on desire and aversion) we cause fear and sadness for ourselves and others, thereby causing suffering.

When we experience life as difficult it is suggested to look for attitudes within and adjust them through spiritual practice where we attend to the moment. We are taught that it is not reality, but our perception of it that creates our suffering (!). Whether we suffer from anxiety, depression, addictions, impulse control or other disorders or difficulties (in other words, all of us), we are advised to raise our consciousness to a plane above the physical in order to find some serenity. As long as we cater to fear, we waste precious lifetime based on skewed perceptions. It is exhausting, too. We may seek distraction and oblivion without reflection and deliberation, but in the end it turns out that nothing good comes from acting out. It is a set-up for remorse, regret, and self-loathing later on when guilt and shame set in. This can trigger the need for denial, where we cast blame and resent others, without owning up to our part. Without sufficient examination of the truth and estranged from ourselves, we feel empty and lost. This is what happens when life energy is wasted on resistance instead of evolution. We let ourselves down, while also disappointing and discouraging our people in the process, as well. It’s disheartening.

Excessive desire is not really desire, but a demand placed on the forces that be. It cannot be fulfilled as such. The need for love and happiness is not satisfied by insisting that things ought to be a certain way, when they are not. Demanding different life circumstances, while exploiting resources and people does not attract the desired outcome. The attempt to coerce people and enforce a lucky fate is not a recipe for happiness.

The truth is that all of life belongs together and all living beings are part of an integrated and interdependent whole. We are meant to play our part. The antidote to fear is faith in a conscious creative energy and a meaningful universe. The solution is acceptance. Healing becomes possible on the path of understanding, compassion, and loving kindness.

The way out of suffering can be found by showing up for life on a daily basis. We are meant to contribute our gifts with an attitude of gratitude and humility. It helps to keep an open mind without contempt for our flaws. We must be willing to walk through our fears. As we seek the truth, the forces of delusion, attachment, and aversion lose their power over us. When our perception changes we can move from struggling against life to befriending reality. It’s easier that way…

When we see that excessive desire, resistance, and resentment don’t work for us, we can eventually learn to let go. It does require daily repetition so that we don’t slide back into fear-based thinking. The practice of mindfulness in meditation and prayer is the way to get to know ourselves and eventually make peace with the pain and uncertainty of life. Enlightened beings dedicate energy to the eradication of suffering in others and in the process… they find liberation from their own suffering.

“I welcome everything. I resist nothing” - Buddhist saying

P.S. In Tibetan Medicine the three parts of the wheel of Samsara (desire, aversion, ignorance) are understood as three poisons, which cause toxic energy within and may eventually manifest in emotional, mental, and physical illness.

The Original Sin

The scriptures are a rich source of wisdom. Predating legislation as we know it, they provided guidelines for decent conduct and common law at a time when penal codes and prisons had not been invented yet. The early religions took it upon themselves to conceptualize punishment for disorderly and anti-social conduct in the form of purgatory and hell. God was presented as an omniscient and mostly unforgiving father who would inflict judgment from above as punishment for transgressions against society. Fear of God was used to threaten and intimidate people into submission. Personal and interpersonal consequences in the form of shame, guilt, and blame became a readily available by-product to be used for further manipulation of children (and adults, too).

Bible tales are lovely for their symbolic content, but the concept of the original sin can be troubling unless it is understood within the only meaning that could possibly make sense – as the human condition of being born ignorant and flawed, and with instincts and impulses for aggressive and sexual behaviors, which can engender suffering. No matter how smart and kind we are, no matter how much we have learned, we make mistakes, we hurt others and ourselves.

Throughout life, all of us are subject to errors in thinking and free to learn from it or not. How could God have created us this way? The answer is to be understood within the larger context of life - we are alive and life means change. Everything in this universe is possible – the whole rainbow of possibilities, all in constant motion. There is no stagnation - subject to the linear progression of time, everything must grow or wither, evolve or deteriorate. Animals follow their survival instinct to sustain their own life and preserve their species, but humans are endowed with awareness and the power of choice – introducing complexity and ambiguity. Mental constructs and perceptions come into play on the basis of intelligence and experience. Priorities and consequences are to be considered. We are to make decisions without sufficient information, and then… we are held responsible.

On the other hand, if we would know the whole truth, our thinking process would be dispensable and freedom would be lost - we would have to do the right thing at all times without maturing and evolving toward a higher level of consciousness. If we were perfect and all-knowing… we would not be human. We would not learn, grow, change, improve understanding, and acquire wisdom through life’s struggles. As it is, we develop intuition and a sense of self through discernment, while navigating through the labyrinth of the unknown, unsure of the route taken. Basically, our imperfection is the perfect equipment for making this whole earthly journey exciting and worthwhile.

Some of us are born with a clear and astute mind, grow up in a loving and nurturing environment – and proceed to have good productive lives, giving back to the world what we were given. Others may be born with an emotional imbalance and/or addictive tendencies – and the urge to seek relief. Some people are subjected to abuse or neglect in childhood – and may go through life confused and in need of expressing the pain they had to endure.

Whatever the case may be, we are all doing our best with the cards we have been dealt. Nobody seeks failure. The creative force that created this amazing universe could not punish us forever in some afterlife for being as we were created. It makes no sense. We could call it the human condition instead of original sin. We could look at ourselves just like our children – with room to learn, grow, heal, and make some choices along the way. We are free to welcome and humbly accept human nature as is, even though humans may not be endearing on the whole, even when human behaviors are objectionable. Our lives may not all look pretty and our actions may not seem right all the time, but one could choose a good attitude and be grateful for some of the good stuff, while practicing forgiveness and compassion. What if judgment day never comes?

What If?

What if

your fate had meaning?

And all your experiences

happened for your benefit

in the end?

What if you were

exposed to suffering

to break through

to a higher understanding?

What if your childhood sorrow

had to happen

to demonstrate

the triumph of the human spirit,

the magic of forgiveness, and

the power of compassion

to liberate you

from judgment and

resentment?

What if

you could release

your tormentor and

lover, and

find liberation from trauma

to heal?

Tell me,

could you imagine

a happy ending?

And allow for a metamorphosis

where self-love would

trump the imaginary attachment

to that which is

bonded to misery?

Tell me,

could it happen?

The transition to

where you allow for a good life?

If you say, YESS,

I will run and

let some other survivors know…

without delay.

Paradise Lost

The book of Genesis describes a delightful Garden of Eden for Adam and Eve to inhabit up until they were expelled from paradise as punishment for eating from the forbidden “tree of knowledge” and noticed that they were naked – a beautiful metaphor for the budding human consciousness when the new part of our brain, the neo cortex, had evolved beyond animal instinct.

At that level human awareness had expanded beyond the animalistic need to sustain life. We had begun to think, but (as the story goes) we were doomed to suffer through the power of the mind. Paradise was lost when we became aware of our existence – we saw that we were exposed and vulnerable, at the mercy of unfathomable powers, which were to remain veiled. Our newly acquired consciousness came at a high price - blissful innocence was lost forever. Present-moment awareness became fickle. Enter reasoning, ambivalence, and confusion. Ashamed of our weakness, we wished to hide our flaws. We tried to remember and imagine a better way, but shame, remorse, regret, and fear had begun to penetrate our consciousness. What to do?

Childbirth came to be experienced as a painful event. Adam’s son Cain who killed his brother Able was condemned to wander the earth – a story about envy, murder, and the tragedy of acting out on aggressive impulses. We are told that a moral standard of conduct is of the essence in order to live comfortably with ourselves and each other, lest we are expelled from the community that sustains life. Migrations to unknown places in search of greener pastures would, by their very nature, engender hardships and grave dangers, while farming was brutal work where weather remained unreliable and famines came about when the crop was diseased.

Anthropology sets the advent of Homo Sapiens at the time when we began to bury our dead, suggesting the beginning of abstract thinking, a thought process beyond basic instinctual needs, cooperation with the clan, and the idea of a soul that might live on – potentially leading to thoughts of mysterious Divine forces, which might await us in afterlife – a scientific version of the paradise-lost scenario. We began to project our newly acquired consciousness to abstract concepts like good or bad – and began to wonder about the cause-and-effect relationship between actions and destiny. A need arose for knowledge – in trying to master the reality around us, we sought to connect with the powers beyond our understanding for good fortune – influence fate and ensure the absence of hunger, pain, and suffering.

From then on we were no longer defined and limited by the fight-or-flight response. We began to string a narrative of life experiences, including remembered things from the past, and beyond, the experiences of others. Dreams, wishes, fantasies came about in the process of telling our stories, sometimes including things that were not there… Thinking about scary situations could evoke fear (even without any present danger), anger, and resentments, just like that. We speculated about the ultimate nature of things, but reliable knowledge was hard to come by. We sought to understand fate as a consequence of our actions rather than random occurrences, we tried to explain bad luck as punishment for things we had done – and reduce the discomfort of the emerging and troubling uncertainty via dedication to the mysterious laws of existence. Through communication with a Higher Power in prayer we expressed a desire to influence the spirit world and avert hardship.

My cats on the other hand… they dwell in paradise - in the eternal now, never disquieted by fictitious threats, blissfully unaware of potential dangers. Their discomfort ceases quickly in response to momentary stimulations. Their minds can’t project to anything beyond their immediate physical being, and so… they are free to relax and purr in the absence of clear and present danger.

Spiritual masters advise to dive into present-moment awareness and set anchor via deliberate breathing into the paradisal state of peace, BUT for us humans it requires practice. They say it’s worthwhile…

Stress - or - Are We Having Fun Yet?

Stress or distress is a coverall for all kinds of habitual tension states, often based on a sense of duty and responsibility, but as the chance for joy is sacrificed for a fictitious goal, stress is ultimately dysfunctional.

When people work too much, worry to much, or take on too many responsibilities, the result is the manifestation of a generalized tension state in the body, often experienced as a “pain in the neck” or other aches and pains. There is a sense of urgency around relentless underlying thoughts, jumbled and clustered around ALL things that ought to be done, but aren’t being done quickly enough. Although the intention may be good, in all reality, chronic stress is a killer - one can eventually become ill or succumb to the temptation to seek out tension relief with the help of alcohol/drugs or other compulsive activities. In the meantime, precious lifetime is irretrievably lost… meaningful relationships with people or activities, which matter, are put on indefinite hold until they are lost. The stressed person misses out on life’s pleasures until s/he gets too stiff and old for hobbies and joyful activities. Some people make money in the process. Some people lose the money they made…

If you can’t give yourself permission to take good care of yourself or get recovery from an illness or addiction, it may be time to look into treatment for your underlying lack of self-love, which could originate in childhood experiences, possibly because in your family TLC for your needs was not a priority. Today is a good day to learn that your needs do matter and that you deserve good care and nurture. When you get your bearings, make the wellbeing of the people who love and need you a priority, as well. While you’re busy healing and establishing balance in your life… joy can be found and when you bring joy to others… you’re precious to them and your life has meaning.

Stress is usually about trying to reach a future something, but life only takes place in the eternal now, and so… stress is based on an error. The spiritual maxim of mindfulness teaches, “the path is the goal.” Take good care of the present moment.

Paradigm Shift

“Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realize we cannot eat money.” - Cree Indian Proverb

IT MIGHT BE TIME for a paradigm shift…

So far… it has been about

mastering personal experiences,

breeding and protecting one’s own little family,

defending religious beliefs of one’s clan,

and the conviction that one’s people are

somehow better than the others,

where other people, religions, and nations were despised

to justify otherwise unjustifiable behaviors

against other living beings.

If all that didn’t work out,

we opted for long-distance migrations to greener pastures or,

for the faint at heart,

fictional departure with denial and delusion.

WE HAVE BUILT WALLS and prisons for “the others.”

We have traveled to drop bombs in distant countries,

but now we see... it’s us – WE ARE THE ENEMY –

collectively we’re blowing the future.

Chemicals and technology are making us sick.

Our plastic litter covers remote South Sea islands.

No one knows how to dispose of nuclear waste.

TODAY IS A GOOD DAY to see that…

the approach is getting old

when the mood is ruined with disturbing news

of globalized predicaments and nowhere left to run.

As it is, our own footprints are a menace to all,

even future generations.

It is of the essence to understand the cycle of life

that unites all beings while the energy travels through us

and the earth keeps turning.

LET'S IGNITE

a reorientation for our precious blue planet!

The privileged few are to understand that their happiness

won’t remain sustainable amidst a suffocating environment.

One way or the other…

Global consciousness WILL come to a tipping point

where we see that ALL IS ONE –

either by working together for a common future -

or perish during man-made destabilization of

the heavenly balance we were given.

I do believe that time is running out.

THE TIME HAS COME to know what’s up…

stop sawing on the branch we’re sitting on

and turn our fate around.

For humans and animals to survive,

a paradigm shift* must take place -

shedding primitive disregard of “the others” and

embracing a unified field concept to include all -

where we evolve from the brutish fight & destroy mode,

knowing that we manifest our visions.

When ignorant polarization dissolves

on a higher plane, we realize:

It’s not us against them, but just us –

we’re in this together -

denial and resistance fade, and

the fear makes way for hope.

IMAGINE…

That we release the maxim of our ancestors -

“breed, fight, and dominate” - for a higher consciousness,

replacing resistance and aggression with a better idea...

Zen and The Law of Attraction instruct us that we

become what we think: “Visualize and materialize”

While we’re busy saving the planet, we’d inadvertently

Also do some good for the happiness of our children,

And really, for us all.

Let’s imagine, attract, and create a prosperous future, shall we?

"Visualize and materialize" - Jimi Hendrix

* Paradigm = generally accepted mental construct, taken for truth

Addicts and Jews

(I am a double-winner here…)

To the outsider it may look like

We have a choice in the matter.

But no. Not really.

It’s not an option. We are born into it.

Our families reflect and cultivate it throughout.

It’s our nature to be this way,

An inescapable inner reality

Dictates our behavior with irresistible intensity.

Ours is a stark reaction to things.

We feel different, because we are.

To us, the others seem self-assured and self-righteous –

Glad they are not like us.

We’re more intense and sensitive,

Fearful and a bit hyper-vigilant perhaps,

Outsiders of mainstream society for various reasons.

Partly it’s an answer to their response to us –

A long history of shame and blame,

Where our behaviors are scrutinized and judged,

Our civil rights routinely taken -

A chain reaction of resistance and defensiveness

And consequently defiance (of course), and

We may say that we are smart and special,

But in all honesty, that’s just a defense.

It’s not really ever easy for us, but

We can’t imagine belonging in the other camp.

And we don’t want to, either.*

Jews may argue that their position is more honorable

And less controversial, that they behave with decency.

That may be the case, but how much has that helped?

The fault lies with the underdog…

We have to deal with it.

Much easier to own the position as outcasts,

Mindful of our own conduct and supportive of each other.

Find consolation, strength, and joy through

Belonging to the tribe and caring

About all sentient beings.

* there it is: the defiance

Muted

Happiness was nightmarishly elusive,

Then ecstatically and enthusiastically

Pursued with rituals and toxins.

A chemical reaction like perma-setting

Had bonded intoxication with fun -

and it became the only way.

Sorely missed relief from existential suffering

And self-inflicted tortures, too,

Were blamed on participants of a quickly paling past.

Meanwhile, the ability to function and provide,

While dying inside, was irretrievably lost.

The soul was silenced and the life force was muted.

The body was stuffed and starved, caressed and injured,

But the solution was not to be found

On the physical plane.

The faulty mechanism had to be disabled

And a functional default mode was to be set

To sustain life and enable some bliss.

It turns out that it’s all about being here

with an open heart – show up for each other, be kind,

And don’t forget to bring along some humor.

I AM TRAYVON

I am a Jew and a woman and my name is Trayvon.

Some people may see something in me,

Then love and hate that thing they see.

We bring some gifts along and

Exchange what we got.

A random stranger may look for a victim

And here I am. I fit the bill.

Meanwhile, I am a spirit being

Dwelling in this wondrous vehicle of flesh

That carries me through the journey of life

Without a roadmap to call my own. At all.

The color of my eyes doesn’t define me, but

My actions, they have consequences.

Sometimes I got the power to

Alter the direction of my trip

As I see fit. Not always.

I am meant to transcend it all

With other living beings on the path, and

Make some sense of things.

It can be a joyride or obstacle course,

The finish line remains the same.

Time and circumstances are veiled.

It can happen that I meet

An unexpected foe on a pretty summer night

And my life expires. Just like that.

Resistant World Victim

Some things had happened and they were not pretty. A young girl had overdosed. Family life had been a drag. Some friends were sick. Others didn’t call. She felt judged and criticized. Success was slow to come. US politics and world affairs were troubling.

After knowing of alignment with the forces of fate… … resistance raised its ugly head again. She began to obsess over a variety of fictitious existential and global dangers, the ugly things people do, and the suffering of victims. Meanwhile, movement, joy, laughter, and fun slipped through her fingers. The ensuing depression became physically painful. Waking up every morning with her heart beating hard, her neck stiff and aching, it became harder to go for a walk or a swim. She began to fear and dislike her work (that she once loved), becoming increasingly immobilized with avoidance and procrastination. She sank into withdrawal and Isolation.

The cat was her little angel during all this time. Sitting with her, looking her lovingly in the eye, pushing her down with his little paw to relax, but it was like a drop in the bucket… In sobriety she was silently dying of alcoholism. No one knew, and world affairs did NOT improve as a consequence of her mental torture… One thousand nuisances had consolidated into a toxic mass in her soul. The suffering that wasn’t hers had become her own. In her own mind she had become all tortured creatures (not a good thing, any way you look at it). A silent scream was choking her - with frantic desires to be safe and perfect, a successful professional, kind to all. It did not work out that way. She had to become a tad more humble and let go of such demands.

When an old friend came to town, she poured her heart out (unexpectedly so). She finally spoke about her misguided compassion with unknown abuse victims, fantasies that had been flooding her in a general and utterly useless way. Hours passed and she did feel better for a moment (the friend didn’t… ). Sorry about that, she apologized and realized what was happening… that she was oozing pain indiscriminately and inconsiderately.

She was to identify and own her anguish, realizing that upsetting thoughts had to be identified and examined. She had to open herself to life as is (rather than what she thought it ought to be). The descent into the hell of fears and fantasized dangers would remain accessible at all times… but she began to understand her life force within the current moment. No one would help her against her wish… as long as when the doors of her own prison remained locked from the inside.

Resistance to life had grown all around her like giant underwater kelp, pulling her down, incapacitating her. Slowed down almost to a halt, just before she would drown in her own bondage (which masqued as compassion with all mankind) her life force kicked in just a tiny little bit, telling her to begin with physical exercises at home to relieve the tension and stiffness that had set in. Within a few days she went for a swim and a walk. Not really believing in it, and although she was beyond experiencing pleasure or even relief, she did it anyway. She began to read (just a little bit) and meditate again and so she got some little breaks now and again from the toxic soup of her own alcoholic head and its apocalyptic theme. One day she woke up with the thought of writing a daily journal – rather than stressing over chores and duties.

Her fear subsided in direct proportion to her participation in movement and spiritual practice. It dawned on her… slacking on daily mental hygiene tools, she had been returning to a dreamy state and unknowingly…. she had been sliding into an old and familiar nightmare. Just like that. She had to remember that mental self-torture is futile, just a nasty form of self-abuse, surrender it to the forces that be, recommit to take good care of herself, let it be what it is – all of that.

There is no love without self-love. She knows now to give herself permission for daily happiness. Only when she can look at the world with a smile for being alive on this day… will she see life as worth living.

THE ENEMY WITHIN

There was some sobriety and some success.

With people she bent over backwards,

Applied herself, tried too hard to make it happen.

Not knowing that a feeling was to show up unexpectedly,

Representing her to the person before her –

Funny at the moment, ugly a Minute later,

Interference from the enemy within.

She was like the cow that gave a bucket of milk

Only to kick it over. Bam. For no reason at all.

Just like that.

She went through reactions to real and imagined events.

Most of all the suffered from gut-churning regrets

Over words and deeds that poured out,

Before her consciousness could catch up,

Sliding in and mocking her.

She cringed over sabotaging her life,

Past and future, seemingly avoidable,

Wishing to be normal and bland,

Yearning to be average and invisible.

It wasn’t given to her to be unobjectionable at will.

Incapable of preventing or stopping a long forgotten past,

That left her easily disquieted and perhaps a bit intense.

She remained a liability to herself,

Bemoaning her lack of casual smoothness.

Hers was a stark reality. People were crude.

Her disposition remained easily unsettled,

When things were less than pleasant.

Too slow to stop the dybbuk who spoke with her mouth.

The harder she tried to suppress it all,

The worse he did her.

A toxic fog of hopelessness drifted in.

Without other options she was defeated,

She was tired and it came to where

She just had to let it go, the good and the bad.

She laughed in his face and he paled.

It wasn’t until then that she saw it clearly…

It wasn’t just a dybbuk, but rather a chain of ancestors,

Survivors of wild and impossible migrations,

Living forth within her and through her,

Requesting recognition.

These spirits were not to be silenced,

They were to be recognized and honored.

Only then would they quit it

With the interference in her own little life.

Once she knowingly accepted the torch of life

on behalf of them all

they were free to be of loving service to her.

They’re saying: The world is wild.

Life is unpredictable.

Jump in and make a splash while you can!

You are who you are because of us.

Today it’s on you to carry the torch of life.

We are with you. Always.

P.S.

“In Jewish mythology a dybbuk is a malicious or malevolent possessing spirit believed to be the dislocated soul of a dead person.” - Wikipedia

See also psychodynamic theory for unconscious motivations, ego-defense mechanisms, projective identification, introject. It can go like this: In childhood I felt rejected - I learned, incorporating this into my self-concept as an introject – this is why I reject myself - I behave accordingly, expressing it with behaviors, which sabotage my success - others respond, where I bring out rejection in others, thus confirming and reinforcing my belief.

See also epigenetics for genetic transmission of emotionally salient experiences, i.e. traumatic experiences tend to be passed on over generations.

See also limbic hijack for neurological explanation, i.e hyper-excitable amygdala overrides activation of pre-frontal cortex – consequently insight, judgment, and impulse control are compromised.

Dog Race

“Everything is illuminated

within the light of the past...”

- lyrics, Everything is Illuminated

Everyone has his own life to live.

We just can’t help it.

A sign is held up ahead like the sausage at the dog race:

“you must be young and pretty, thin and rich.”

Meanwhile, it’s not about that at all.

The surrounding wants to be acknowledged.

We ache to be seen and understood -

and have some joy, too.

But then it’s about participation,

thoughts, words, and actions,

the traces of our existence -

but even that’s fleeting.

May be it’s rather about the wind

gently touching the skin as we rush along,

the blissful moments shared

with a human or furry little animal.

Could be, you know.

P.S. Not a one of the dogs actually gets the sausage.

Sadly, it’s a futile quest.

"Start wearing purple for me now.

All your sanity and wit will all vanish.

It's just a matter of time"

- lyrics, Everything is Illuminated

Um die Wurst

“Everything is illuminated within the light of the past...” - Zitat, Everything is Illuminated

Jeder hat sein eigenes Leben zu leben.

Man kann ja doch nicht anders.

Das Jung, Schoen, Dünn und Reichsein

wird einem als Ziel vorgegaukelt -

wie die Wurst beim Hunderennen -

dabei geht’s doch aber gar nicht um die Wurst.

Das ganze Drumherum will wahrgenommen werden.

Jeder will gesehen und verstanden werden

Und ein bisschen Freude haben.

Aber dann geht’s doch um die Teilnahme,

die Gedanken, Worte und Taten,

die zurückgelassenen Lebensspuren,

aber auch die nur ganz flüchtig.

Vielleicht schon eher um die Luft,

die man beim Dahineilen auf der Haut spürt und

die Momente des geteilten Glücks

mit einem Menschen oder einem Pelztierchen.

Könnte doch sein.

P.S. Kein einziger Hund kriegt die Wurst.

"Start wearing purple for me now. All your sanity and wit will all vanish. It's just a matter of time" - Zitat, Everything is Illuminated

14

in recovery I learned to forgive myself (and consequently others), love my dad in gratitude, appreciate people and things, make myself useful, expect change, don’t expect things from people, (especially when I have been helping them out), be grateful for everyone and everything, smile when people do weird things (they often do). On the days I can remember (these re-adjustments to my perception…) i can have a good day. i take it. P.S. God is the wind (aka energy). Life, places, and beings are manifestations of Divine energy. Most Germans and Arabs love their children and don’t want to kill anyone.

Prognosis

“You got no chance, but use it” – Werner Herzog, movie title

The good news first - it is treatable (but really… alcoholism is a progressive and fatal disease). Alcoholics Anonymous calls it a “seemingly hopeless state of mind and body”. These days we don’t differentiate much between addictions to various substances – liquid, pill, or powder, legal or not, OTC or prescription. It doesn’t matter. It resides within - a chronic condition, which requires ongoing treatment. It is also a disease of perceptual distortion and commitment to oblivion, which is tricky when one “is driven by one hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity” (AA big book pp 62).

At the time an alcoholic seeks treatment, he is most probably flooded with hopeless self-loathing. Treatment will be about reinstituting hope and a practicable long-term solution. Since most addicts are dealing with trauma and emotional vulnerabilities it is highly recommended to provide a structured and long-term supportive treatment program. It’s good to have a formula for psychic change and a safety net for fluctuating moods in early recovery.

Psychiatrist Dr. Harry M. Tiebout suggests in his famous paper (1953) that successful recovery requires surrender (which traditionally follows admission of defeat). He contrasts surrender with compliance, which would not suffice. If an alcoholic can understand that only complete abstinence will recover mental health and with that the chance for a good life, he may be willing to endure the confusion and suffering, while his brain undergoes a transformative process.

Working in recovery is all about service. We offer our experience, strength, and hope. We meet the addict where he is at on his path, rather than where we may think he ought to be. It’s not our job to fix him. We encourage him to embrace healing and growth, while taking responsibility for his actions. We offer unconditional love, compassion, support and much patience, while he struggles with mental ambivalence, disturbing thought process, and overwhelming emotional intensity during the early part of the journey.

Working with alcoholics can be heartbreaking, too, as some of them may unpredictably go back into denial. They change their minds halfway through the dire straights of life, dropping out when reality hits with the wreckage of the past. It has been said that relapse is part of recovery. That’s not necessarily true – although that’s the reason why prognosis for recovery can be questionable. The crucial factor is willingness to replace the death-defying commitment to the powers of destruction with the courageous surrender to life. What matters is that there is a solution - but it’s on him to hold on.

Addiction is the only disease where recovery rests entirely with the patient’s continuing self-diagnosis and surrender to the process. This commitment provides a fantastic prognosis as long as he stays with it “one day at a time.” Compared to living in the disease it’s not even difficult at all. But…“If a man doesn’t want to hear, no one can tell him.”

Beautiful Eyes

“I can’t get not satisfaction” – lyrics, Mick Jagger

She was never a playful little girl. She felt anxious and listless and her mental climate was foggy. Always. Didn’t know about drugs as a teenager. Nobody gave her any. “The boys told me that I have beautiful eyes and tits. I had neither, and so I knew they were lying,” is what she says.

But she loved the excitement of meeting a boy, sometimes just through seeing him or wanting to see him. She began to live for that. She needed that fix for her mood. Romance became the raison d’etre, her reason to live. Later on she would have to leave her partners when the thrill was gone.

She knew she had to do something to create a life, a source of income, because her budding love & sex addiction had become non-negotiable. When her dad gave her the option to finance a University education or a substantial endowment for a marriage (whenever that would be) she knew she had to choose the education, as he was not going to agree to any marriage partner she would pick. Her criteria were simply not socially acceptable.

So she decided to move very far away from limiting and useless social mores, cross the ocean, and live in LA, where she had contact to some famous musicians. The plan was to study at UCLA and be in a good mood in an endless-summer kind of lifestyle. It seemed to be a promising location where nothing would stand in the way of sex, drugs, and rock’n roll.

The reality was harsh. She was unbearably lonely, tried to connect here and there at the Rainbow Bar & Grill on Sunset Strip (it was the 70ies) on weekdays after midnight, wondering why she met weird guys. The results were not to write home about. While she was dancing with oblivion her beautiful purse (the coolest ever) was stolen around 3am with everything in it. There she was, alone, in a foreign country, far away from her L.A. home, with no one to help her out – and her journey through addiction had not even really begun. She was just putting together the parameters for the life of an alcoholic woman. For 10 years she’d give it her all. She married the best husband of them all, had a perfect baby girl, and got a Master’s Degree with straight A’s. And then she just had to go and seek some more excitement that she called fun. She tried to get some consolation from her silently increasing despair and found that love is not so easy to come by when you’re needy like that.

Eventually, she decided to move far away from the realm of the hungry ghosts. Her best thinking was to take her 4-year old daughter, get into a relationship with a 20-year old guy, move back to the U.K, and marry him. Her poor dad was exasperated… but she had no interest in compassion then. 15 years of heroin addiction followed, and that’s the truth.

Many years have passed since. She is back in L.A. clean and sober. When she works with recovering addicts she sees that most of them are willing to give sobriety a chance, but they still think, “Girls, they wanna have fun.” As long as the pursuit of breathless excitement remains their # 1 priority it will take them out. This is what she observed over and over. The way she sees it, “It’s sad when you look on, but it’s bitter when you’re in it.”

The pursuit of fun & excitement got demoted from #1 position. In AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) she gets the chance to find some peace of mind as long as she makes recovery her #1 priority. Sex & love addiction must be addressed for what it is – the desperate pursuit of mood-alteration at any price. Some call it fun, but it is just another face of alcoholism, where everything is sacrificed for departure from reality. No good life to be had.

The difference between chemicals from the outside or (endogenous) chemicals released by the brain is negligible. It’s the result that matters. She looked at what it did to her self-esteem, career, social standing, and her sense of peace. She began to see her daughter’s eyes - and she made the choice to give her permission to be happy rather than robbing her of hope. Today her focus is on bringing love and compassion … and this is what she gets in return. She has become a trustworthy and respected person. She's come a long way.

“After a while the finesse, charm, and good looks start to fade along with the good judgment” – quote, AA speaker

Ain't It Grand?

A match made in heaven,

Both are newly clean…

There’s chemistry and hope,

And one thing leads to another.

At first she takes him to the pelicans,

And later he shows her the blues.

She will hold on to sobriety,

And he hangs on to hers.

She buys things for the house,

But he’s got to get the booze.

She won’t forget a thing,

He can't really remember.

She’s busy getting things together,

He still speaks of his big brother.

Every morning he walks her to the car,

She’ll be at work when he plays at the bar.

Moving forward, he won’t come with,

And neither is he willing to go away.

Using all she got, her life gets small,

While to him nothing matters at all.

To her it looks futile, she is sad,

He laughs loudly, and he also gets mad.

From carrying all the burden

Her neck begins to break,

While he can’t even carry his own weight.

Eventually, his hustle gets old,

And ever so slowly her love gets cold.

When she takes him back to rehab

After 13 years

She is over the moon to drive away

Alone.

““The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through

the lives of others. Hearts are broken.

Sweet relationships are dead.

Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil.

He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar

to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked,

‘Ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowin’?”

– quote AA big book, pp82

A Tendency for Dissociation

check out in RecoveryView.com: Sexual Child Abuse, PTSD & Addiction

“I am doomed. I felt shame. I felt that I am worthless and no one could ever love me – not even God. The only one that could love me is Lucifer” - quote “I feel disgustingly helpless and dirty – it dominates everything” - quote

“The courageous, carefree, happy, funny part of me was lost that day. I am defiant” - quote

“I hate myself - can’t forgive myself for having been so stupid”- quote

“Please save me, but leave me alone” - quote

“I was incested and thrown in a closet from the age of 3. I was unforgivable and didn’t forgive anyone. I went to psychotherapy for years. In AA they told me, ’Let us love you until you can love yourself.’ Eventually the ache in my heart went away.” – quote

“I didn’t deserve what happened to me when I was 5, but I took that and punished other people for it – and that’s my part in it” - quote

"You have to master dissociation" - quote

It’s almost impossible to talk about it. Nobody wants to hear of it. Collectively, we uphold the taboo. We act as if such things never happen. As far as the victims are concerned, everybody is in cahoots, but they themselves prefer to deny it, too. It is simply too disturbing and depressing.

It’s not necessarily easy to be human. We do some learning and experiencing. We mature, develop convictions and beliefs, and end up taking them for the truth. On the basis of a healthy genetic make-up and a gentle and nurturing childhood, a functional whole develops, where thoughts, moods, feelings, attitudes, characteristics, and behaviors are integrated. Human behavior happens on the foundation created in childhood - by experiencing and watching adults, and then behaving just like these role models. An estimated 85% of addicts are survivors of abuse in childhood. The same percentage (about 85%) of prison inmates were abused as children. 1 in 4 (or 3) girls is sexually abused before the age of 18. 1 in 6 (or 5) boys is sexually abused before the age of 18. For the survivor of sexual child abuse life becomes most painful and confusing. S/he grew up with betrayal and suffering – severely traumatized and without good-enough role models for handling life.

S/he experiences PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) in the form of flashbacks, anxiety, panic attacks, rage, insomnia, depression, and/or psychosomatic complaints. On a behavioral level there is lack of openness, a tendency toward chronic emotional pain and repetitive self/destructive behaviors, including all addictions and eating disorders. There can be excessively cautious and inhibited behaviors, or the opposite - re-enactment of victimization and deliberate exposure to danger. Persisting agitation and hyper-vigilance, along with unresolved grief, seemingly require ongoing dissociation from high-intensity emotions and unacceptable experiences. Such factors predispose a person for a life where relief and pleasure must be sought and pain must be numbed at any prize – or memories and impulses would remain intolerable.

A variety of confusing and self-defeating thought patterns will be persistently present. The survivor may be hopeless, fearful, resentful, jaded, and cynical, often with sadistic and vengeful fantasies, as well as an array of self-destructive habits, which tend to complicate matters and cause more problems. S/he may also sexualize feelings (such as interest, curiosity, admiration, respect, affection, or attraction) thereby causing trust issues in all relationships.

Once integration has been compromised in such a way, it means that psychic wholeness and comfortable inter-relatedness of thoughts, feelings, experiences and memories is disrupted. Staying present becomes utterly undesirable and difficult, or seemingly impossible. It’s as though the inner melody of the soul has been rendered dissonant and the alcoholic is running from herself, in search of a better music outside of self. Missing comfort, flooded with adrenaline, tempted by impulsivity, filled with negative and conflicting thought contents, it does not appear doable to “just say no” to food, sex, alcohol, drugs, or other thrills and forbidden pleasures. Hedonism is not negotiable when your mind is screeching and tension relief is sorely missing.

She may also compartmentalize reality, keeping events and groups of people separate. She may present a different side of herself to people, lie (directly or by omission), manipulate and deceive others in an effort to direct their reaction and control the outcome. Lacking continuous attention to reality, her life doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t make sense. She gets lost in the process of covering up and her sense of identity remains vague. She has to keep her distance to hide that she feels broken. She doesn’t understand others and it’s next to impossible to speak for herself. Torn by ambivalence, she can never be content about a choice. She may present herself with fierce arrogance and hostility to mute the voice that yells demeaning things inside her head. She wants to be loved and understood – aching for someone to see and hear how she really is, but she must conceal such a vulnerability… a tough exterior protects from further exploitation. Fear of intimacy can also be handled by hypersexual activities. Sexual behaviors can be compulsive, perverse, promiscuous, and inhibited. Despair about life and death are camouflaged by life-threatening bravado. Tortured by shame and guilt, seemingly indifferent and defiant, she can’t show up for herself or for others, and abandons everything that’s good in her life.

Thich Nhat Hanh speaks of the creation of mental constructs, which crystallize in internal formations. This happens in response to trauma and also through instant chemical relief - often the ONLY relief known to the victim.

In psychoanalysis, cathexis is defined as the process of bonding mental or emotional energy to a person, object, or idea. Victims of sexual abuse tend to take on the responsibility for the traumatic events that may have happened in response to seeking love and comfort. It is confusing that things turned from good to terrible and they were never ready for defense. They remain stuck in toxic shame - disconnected from their own soul and incapable of accessing self-love. Instead they may remain forever energetically connected to the experience and the perpetrator. Traumatic bonding is a powerful form of cathexis, where the victim becomes energetically connected to the perpetrator, resulting in persisting fear, anger, rage, resentment, and hopelessness. This can even produce the odd result of the so-called “Stockholm Syndrome” where the victim identifies with the aggressor in a loving or compassionate way, while remaining “blind” to compassion for herself.

Such a process serves to keep the energy firmly connected to pain and suffering, and also to the past. Consequently, the victim remains stuck indefinitely - vague and indifferent to her own identity, lacking genuine interest for herself, her own fate, or the lives of others. Usually there is an ongoing undercurrent of sorrow or anger, and a desperate and inconsolable loneliness.

Recovery must offer hope - via a solution for the psyche to become whole (again), a complete transformation where trauma and shame can be healed - and consequently attachment ceases to be felt like holding on to barbed wire for fear of going under. The process must include release of the ties of cathexis – as though she severs a rubber band that had tied him to the perpetrator through the energy of fear and anger. The solution is of a spiritual nature. Forgiveness is to be found through a liberating act of ”calling her spirit back” from attachment to the perpetrator, where she ultimately lets go of the anger-bond in favor of self-love. It is about (re)establishing a friendly inner world on a daily basis. The process of psychotherapy and the practice of mindfulness reveal the path, one step at a time. Without such mental hygiene her emotional landscape reverses to a treacherous swamp.

Forgiveness is an overriding principle for recovery from emotional trauma - but when the victim had to endure unforgiveable acts, she might reject that concept altogether. In such cases discernment is important – to differentiate the personal versus the legal aspect - legal action can still be taken, while forgiveness is enabled on an intra-psychic level for healing to occur. It doesn’t mean to minimize or justify what has happened - rather it is about taking one’s spirit back from an ongoing internal dialogue of accusation and sadistic fantasies of punishment and vengeance. Only then can the victim’s life energy be fully employed for achieving wholeness from internal fragmentation. Healing is about becoming whole again from disowning parts of self during dissociation and fragmentation. Such ego defense mechanisms were aids to survival in childhood, but remain shackles for the adult survivor.

Mircea Eliade calls it “rape of the soul”, suggesting “soul retrieval” like in Shamanistic rituals. He states, “Each of us must take the responsibility for healing our own traumatic injuries.” Retrieving souls is about restoring wholeness. Shamanistic rituals employ the community to support the healing process.

In her wonderful book “Why People Don’t Heal” Carolyn Myss speaks of “woundology” when people integrate victimization into their self-image, where it becomes part of their identity, thereby interfering with the healing process. She relates the story of David Paladin, a Navajo Marine, used by the US Army as “Wind-talker” for his native language as an unbreakable radio cypher during WWII. Captured by the Germans at the age of 18 he was taken to the concentration camp of Dachau. He was tortured as POW where his feet were nailed to the floor for three days. The wounds developed into gangrene.

After his liberation he was emaciated near death and spent 2 years in a coma. When he returned home to his tribe at the age of 21, his legs in braces, they exclaimed, “What happened to you?” He proceeded to answer, “The Germans…” They stopped him, “No, what happened to you?” Again, he wanted to explain, “The Germans…” and again they replied, “No, what happened to YOU?” and he tried to recount his experience, whereupon they told him this: “Your spirit is not with you. A man cannot live without his spirit. You must get your spirit back.” They threw him in the river and instructed him to swim and get his spirit back. He was able to complete the required act of liberation and went on to live a long life as a spiritual healer.

Through forgiveness work in psychotherapy and spiritual practice a metamorphosis can occur, where liberation from the prison of past experiences becomes possible – the victim’s life energies become transformed and cease to poison the soul. The energetic tie to the perpetrator can get severed. Consequently, emotional energy is released and becomes usable for the good. The practice of mindfulness in meditation helps to undo these knots – survivors can experience transformation and healing, while also downward-regulating emotional intensity. It’s all about liberating the spirit from the compulsion to replay the past and re-traumatize oneself in the present.

Of course a survivor of childhood trauma would much prefer to ease herself into recovery – she can’t bear the prospect of adding more displeasure to her misery. This is why she must immediately be offered hope that happiness is within reach, in spite of everything. She must be shown that she is, in fact, loveable and deserves to be saved. She must be guided on the path of letting go – and see that life can be good. She must be given clarification that it’s been an error all along - that she was an absolutely innocent child who needed love and guidance, that she never deserved to be treated this way, that she doesn’t really want oblivion and intoxication, but rather healing and ultimately relief from suffering. Only then will she embrace recovery.

“The road to freedom is through the doorway of forgiveness. We may not know how to forgive, and we may not want to forgive; but if we are willing to forgive, we may begin the healing process. It is imperative for our own healing that we release the past and forgive everyone” – quote, Louise Hay, author, Hay House Publishing

“In the doctor’s judgment he was utterly hopeless”…-”…alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes, which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begins to dominate them” – quote, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Pp26

Somnolence

She's a sleeper and waking up is rough.

So she envies a sleeper in a movie,

Longing to do the same,

Sleeping in all places,

Helping it along with heroin (and other things, too).

Come to find out that sweet remedies

made her (almost) lose her life

And her mind, too (a little bit).

On the other hand,

being stark awake can feel alarming.

Activities can be exhausting,

Challenges can be discouraging,

People can be disquieting, and

It can happen that…

She's not amused with the whole thing.

Meanwhile, she is still somnolent at heart -

But then she came to think…

it might be good to get a life

Before the window closes.

These days she tries to be

the woman that her son thinks she is,

Reeling in some thoughts with her pen,

And showing up for you on any day.

Walking on the beach she sees a flock of seagulls,

Silently aligned side by side toward the sunset.

She imagines that God is the wind,

she closes her eyes,

And she hears it…

and then she can feel it, too…

She smiles.***

P.S.

“Somnolence (or drowsiness) is a state of near-sleep,

a strong desire for sleep, or sleeping for unusually long periods.

Somnolence is derived from the Latin somnus, meaning sleep."

– quote, Wikipedia

the ism or geriatric children

“You got no chance, but use it” - movie title by Werner Herzog

Alcoholism is not about the type of substance used, be it powder, pill, or liquid. It doesn’t matter how it’s done.

The ism is about being a stranger to planet earth, ill equipped to care for the body given, ignorant to what anything means, and disconnected from everyone. In spite of intelligence, As well as talents, potential, assets and gifts, eventually freedom of choice is lost. Distorted perceptions keep him stuck and he turns into an old child.

While experiences are not processed consciously and integrated properly, there is no progress to be had - no maturation and no empowerment. At the mercy of legal restrictions, translucent to authorities and institutions he regresses to parental control or the exploitation of a string of strangers.

Addiction is a complex syndrome – to be understood beyond the lack of age-appropriate behaviors - on a plane above the physical. He suffers from a chronic condition, which requires ongoing treatment. He resists it, though, sick and tired of such suffering, routinely indignant and outraged and so… he needs some good dope to get him through the night and forget about the shame and guilt, and the price he is paying. Stuck in eternal “Groundhog Day” denial is indispensable and self-medication is a must.

A healthy young man, he has reduced his mental world to the choice between prison and rehab, preferring rehab for its amenities (and pool). He has internalized the bars in his head, locking out the rest of the world. He is like an elephant born in captivity who had been chained to a pole and has given up trying to get rid of the shackle. It’s called learned helplessness – And it’s also a feature of the ism.

He started out irritable, restless, and discontent… but take away his dope … and he crumbles – being left feeling vulnerable, insecure, needy, and lost – and this is why he keeps relapsing “for no apparent reason” – left to his own devices he finds life intolerable, he doesn’t really want to have to be there sober. He cannot stand it without some chemical buffer … and consequently his obstacles seemingly grow into insurmountable mountains If he could… understand the nature of the beast so as not to under-estimate it – he might come better equipped. Last time he was getting ready to fend off the grizzly bear By waving a plastic dinner fork... He lost.

He lives in the realm of the hungry ghosts – perennial insatiable hunger for something outside of self. Feeling disconnected, he remains locked within his inner hell. He denies the existence of a Higher Power as though the world beyond his head had ceased to exist. And so he goes back to what he knows… Compulsively pursuing chemicals and behaviors – moving from alcohol to drugs or pills or sex or food or a combination – to fill the inner emptiness with that which MUST cause pain. Whatever he tries… it’s never enough. With all his energy tied to a losing battle… the pursuit of hedonism is futile, sought-after contentment remains elusive, and the door to healing remains locked.

A shipwreck survivor, she is offered a lifesaver. She looks at it briefly, holds on momentarily, then says, I don’t really like the color of it, I don’t like how you’re throwing it at me, and I’m not so sure that you really “get me”. She lets go and is caught by sober-living staff making out in the bushes behind the AA meeting with a random acquaintance. She is a 34-old mother of two, having lost custody due to the ism. Her mother never protected her from sexual molestation by the father – The mother visits her at rehab, blames her for being stupid and dysfunctional, And takes her children with their dad and his new woman to Disneyland… while her heart breaks. Her wild emotions, disordered thinking, twisted perceptions, discontinuous behaviors, missing purpose and direction, her shameless oddities and fierce suffering create chaos and drama. Between sleepless nights and temper tantrums There is no time to seize the day for any good endeavors. The chance for a stable and happy life gets misplaced and she goes down.

The ism of alcoholism is about the need for distraction from the status quo… departure from reality, oblivion at any price. For the bystander her behavior makes no sense - It is counter-intuitive and incomprehensible. For her it’s not negotiable – she lives in a whirlwind – continually flooded with sizzling feelings and urges. She expresses her intensity - She turns you on and breaks your heart. Then she distorts and misunderstands, defends and protects - She will tell you all about being victimized (it’s true) She hurts and disrespects you and then she drops you. Just like that.

Newly clean, he falls for a newly sober woman, Relapses and continues to drink, saying, “I’m clean now. I’m not doing crack anymore.” His woman tries to get her life together. He interferes, coming home from the bar on Sunday morning, needy, anxious, irritable, aching for some loving. Without instant soothing from her, suffering from her indifference, he settles for negative attention by irritating her with unreasonable statements and demands. The sober woman… why is she in it? It’s the ism.

The addict is meant to stop running from life – befriend reality and find some willingness to endure the truth – this can be accomplished through rising above, so to speak – to a higher plane – a psychic change via a spiritual awakening, where he is to understand that it’s all about connecting with life and love, that he is to make himself useful – bring forth love and joy. That’s his ticket to freedom – only then will he come to see his life as worthwhile.