ball of love

Shame & Self-Sabotage – 5th group

“Gradually, over a period of time, this frozen feeling of belief
recedes from consciousness. In this way shame becomes basic
to one’s sense of identity. One becomes a shame-based person” –
John Bradshaw
“Shame internalization has four major consequences.
A shame-based identity is formed,
the depth of shame is magnified and frozen,
autonomous shame activation or functional autonomy results,
and finally, internal shame spirals are made operative.” – J.B.
J.B. describes it as solitary confinement of chronic grief
and intolerable pain

Internalized images, sound records in the brain,
and “automatic” thought memories were explored –
which may trigger old experiences of shame –
And then generalize from “I experience…” or “I remember…”
to "I AM" broken, defective, worthless, useless, fat, ugly etc.
whatever the hook may be –
and self-doubt or self-hatred remains permanently in place
to be called upon at any time we feel abandoned
or rejected like in childhood.

Group shares on stream of consciousness throughout the day:
I’m afraid of boredom –
so much I should be doing and I’m not doing it – so I drink
I have no right to be (bored) - I feel lonely, sad, alone -
I don’t have the right to be alone
No emotion I have could be right
My mom is a morning person –
she always told me that I wasted the day when I got up at 10:00 –
I have the constant feeling that I have done something wrong
before I even get out of bed – I wake up with the stressful
I-have-done-something-wrong terror
Something terrible is gonna happen
Cycle of total self-hatred because I’m not going to the gym –
the gym helps my mood and eating behavior
and then I beat myself up – in cycles during the day
that I’m a loser, doughy and fat instead of trim and fit –
when I eat fat or sugar I go more into it,
telling myself that I have no self-control.
I can control what I put into my body.
I cannot control other people.
Interpreted this as:
Kill yourself trying to control an absolutely uncontrollable world

Self-criticism – list of things to should have done or quit –
cigarettes, caffeine, sugar, bread, flour, meat;
Should: vitamins, exercise, floss teeth
Lists are constantly going; lists are evidence…
Fucking give up! You’re fucked! Go fucking jogging!
O.K., but who wants to fuck me? Who could I fuck?
Quick fantasy of power with that –
but underneath …“that’s all that you are”

I can’t even do my mail – can’t survive – not allowed to spend $$
It is as though I’ve been a 500-pound woman
and lost 250 pounds – and I’m still not thin
It’s all about resistance – whatever it is, I’m against it
Like a car on idle where the idle mode is much too rough,
uneven, and loud –
it needs attention and correction, needs to be maintained and adjusted

Consecutive adjustments:
We can do that through raising our awareness -
talk, listen, read, write, watch, learn from others
seek to understand
relating to others alleviates shame
healing through laughter
affirmations, prayer, meditation with visual imagery, being of service

Homework: meditation, focus on breath, inhale and imagine opening my heart and filling my whole being with love (think of a pet or little child) – color pale lavenderish pink, then imagine exhaling all dark-grey pain and misery – when whole inside is filled with love energy imagine that it emanates from the pores all around you like the aura of love – until you become a BALL OF LOVE.
Very good for the mood.