addict relationships - men & women

Quotes - women and men at sober living:
This week's question:
Imagine I know nothing about
how it is for an addict to have relationships (= rs).
Please explain it to me!
This is what my addicts said:

1) The women:
Don’t really feel when I’m using (I have real feelings now, sober)
Love disappears - I lost myself - I lost God
Fear, sadness, regrets, remorse, self-loathing, anger, aggression
own behavior is incomprehensible
Isolated, lonely - Vodka = my lover
No limits, no belief, lowered standards
Constant drama and arguments -
Is it a pattern? Have I learned it? Should I change?
My using is totally tied in with my co-dependency
Spirituality went dormant - bad choices
impaired parenting – leads to guilt and shame
good relationship with my drug –
my drug was my primary relationship
no boundaries –
allowed my teenage son to drink in the house when I was loaded
my kids were taken by CPS
didn’t realize how drugs blocked my thinking and understanding
didn’t get to know myself - big chunks of my life were lost
my husband told me to leave after 33 years of marriage –
feel ashamed – cried when my grandchildren came to visit
communication is difficult –
feelings + emotions come out ugly and aggressive –
pushed everybody away - blamed them
lying, secretive, deceitful, covering up unacceptable behavior,
deny what I obviously had done – created distance to my husband
When my daughter tells me what happened, I say it’s not true -
we have different memories - her memories are annoying (scary) –
I deny what she says

2) The men:
I don’t do relationships
Obsessive about rs
I don’t move on
quote: alcoholics don't have rs - we take hostages
quote: how do you know when an alcoholic lets go?
By the claw
Have low self-esteem and find someone with even lower self-esteem
Stay with lower companion – too lazy to break up
she kept coming back...
I never had to do anything
I was passive-aggressive – she was just aggressive
I’m a professional at ruining rs –
I’m selfish and sneaky, I lie, cheat, manipulate,
And I don’t care
My way or the high way
Lack of respect, lack of love and self love
I’m destroying this person and myself and still stay in it
I like insanity – can’t expect anything –
hurt the other person to be in control -
Keep something hanging over their head
As long as I’m using I have a hidden agenda
Never unpack emotionally - drop people in a heartbeat -
every rs has been perishable
What do you have and how can I get it?
Chaos and drama in rs is just another side of addiction
Needy all the time
I like having a girlfriend - then I’m more attractive to other girls
I did drugs and had sex with her girlfriends in her own car,
then I crashed the car – there was a lot of using and abusing her
Test boundaries, especially when I’m told not to do something
I have to fuck something up to spice things up
I liked to focus on something about her that I could hate
I didn’t even see all her plastic surgery
I’m a mess - disease of perception - total dysfunction

- My happiness depended on someone else’s approval
- Do things that are not healthy for myself
- I feel…dependent on how my partner feels
- I don’t want to have stress or confrontations
- It’s hard to say No

Newly sober: not in a rs for the right reasons
i.e. didn’t care about them
Recovery: is about doing the right thing to the best of my ability –
so I feel better about myself – develop self-esteem – psychic change

If you find this sad (I did) -
please balance it with the next blog post,
titled "please balance"