“If I am the chief of sinners, I am the chief of sufferers also”
Quote, Robert Louis Stevenson, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
It has been seen as a “seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (big book, Alcoholics Anonymous), and often... it still appears that way. The medical community used to shun us... and it can still be that way. The legal system used to punish us... and it’s still that way. The alcoholic/addict is most difficult to deal with – she is described as “restless, irritable, and discontented” as well as “selfish, self-centered, and inconsiderate” (big book, Alcoholics Anonymous). It can appear as though she is voluntarily choosing to abandon her children and herself, and really her whole life for a glass of wine, a pill, line of cocaine, hit of the pipe, or shot of heroin.
This then routinely disables her internal control mechanism. Once intoxicated, her inhibitions are rendered inoperative and so... she usually finds it impossible to stop before everything turns into disaster (again). Vaguely cognizant, she doesn’t show up for her responsibilities and she is incapable for continuity, accountability, and reliability. She might undergo an instant personality change like “Dr Jekyll and Mister Hyde” in the movie. She may display utterly unspeakable behaviors. She could become belligerent, promiscuous, or crazy. Afterwards she may experience some drug-induced amnesia (aka blackouts). Failing at controlling cravings and other impulses she becomes flooded with guilt, shame, regret, remorse, and self-loathing. Her family gives up trust and faith. Her children might lose the chance for happiness. It looks hopeless.
It seems as though she doesn’t want to learn from experience. She cannot befriend reality – she much prefers fantasy and illusion. She distorts the truth and denies the obvious. She must defend her ego, improve her mood, increase her self-confidence, and find a little joy... at ANY price at all. She is ready for the ultimate sacrifice. Under the influence of substances (or behaviors) that change her mood and perception, her existential pain eases, she can forget the gut-wrenching fear and finally take a sigh of relief. Then she re-discovers self-confidence and courage, which is sorely missed when she is left to her own devices and life becomes tolerable for a moment.
She remains immersed in the addict world, enslaved by supply necessities, without a belief in herself, the chance of freedom, or the power for transformation. She cannot reach the tipping point where the intensity of suffering overpowers the resistance to change. As long as she refuses to undergo a metamorphosis she is stuck... she can’t move on from tadpole to frog. She withers and drowns in the end.
If she gets clean against all odds, she is then faced with the wreckage of her disease. Looking at all of it stark raving sober can be devastating. She is tempted to turn around and go back into the dark tunnel of what she knows. If she can be motivated for recovery she will need ongoing treatment for her chronic illness. Without learning how to love herself in spite of everything... the prospect of a new life may not be doable, conceivable, or even desirable - but even addicts with severe issues can recover if they are offered hope - packaged in a viable solution such as the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
“I died 100 times” - lyrics, Amy Winehouse
Jasmin Rogg at www.voiceofrecovery.blogspot.com