Systematic Bias

“Systematic bias is the inherent tendency of a process to favor particular outcomes. It leads to systematic error." - Wikipedia
She came equipped with sensitivities that left her vulnerable for some experiences, which the others don’t quite attract as much. They live in a “different” world. The way she sees it… is largely the way it was in her early years. Things happened to her and she remained lacking in the good-stuff department. Her mental world was impoverished in such a way that finding a good place in the “normal” human community didn’t appear very desirable. It also became impossible.
Feeling small and dysfunctional inside, she thinks that she doesn’t measure up and wants to look bigger and better. She tries to show that she is desirable and admirable – cooler, thinner, hotter, and prettier. And yet, she feels dejected with it all. Self-confidence and optimism remain mostly out of reach, although she may not admit it.
She borrows from tomorrow’s strength and becomes depleted. While the others mature and get stronger, while they build a life for themselves, she runs for imaginary shelter, fantastic colors, intoxicating tunes, and rhythmic motions – hell-bent on finding enchantment in ways that exhaust her until she breaks down defeated and confused. She doesn’t move forward and she cannot go back.
She doubts that she can do it. Whatever it is. And she doesn’t feel lovable (really) or worthwhile for anyone. When he looks at her with desiring eyes (whoever he is) the magic happens – and she feels special and powerful, if only for this little moment with no tomorrow, and she succumbs to it (whatever it is). She treats her fear to some love, sex & excitement (whenever she can). There is this scarcity in her mental world. She doesn’t respond to reality as much as she reacts to her own inner pressures to fill herself up. She yearns for affection or safety, or perhaps money, things, or recognition… but nothing is like the high that she gets with sex and chemicals.
Unwilling to tolerate her own emptiness, she is driven to alter today’s reality – and so she finds substances that cover up and numb the feelings. With chemical courage introjected into her system she lights up, the world becomes enchanted, and life is doable for the time being, but since she cannot win over reality, nothing works out in the end. It’s a losing battle that she is fighting. She does try to blame the others, but that’s neither useful, nor is it entertaining. Only a total surrender to the existential condition would work. She may need courage and humility to admit it all, but the truth about her current position must not be compromised. Correcting her error is of the essence to find the way out of the wasteland.