6th shame group - let it be

Q: When looking at your relationships (=rs) – how can you tell that you have shame about who you are?
- can tell by our reactions to things
- things we say about ourselves
- body language
- eagerness to accept all responsibility for everything (!)
when my boyfriend hurts me – I feel like an idiot (!)
cannot accept or even notice compassion for my suffering – because I always think it’s my fault and I deserve it
I supported him and believed him and he is throwing it back in my face
We both agreed that he is important and I’m not – then I was resentful – then I went back for more
Mad at myself for even considering certain compromises, i.e. you can fuck other guys (!) and fuck me, too; you can have other women in your bed and I’m O.K. with it
I don’t want to be with him, but I don’t know how to stop
I resigned to him and this rs months ago
Once I pull away, he comes after me – I think he needs me
I abandoned myself and my recovery for a warm body
I’m so much more mad at myself for going back to him for more shaming
I’m just cramped in the desperate neediness – when I move, the strings get tighter - this neediness is what’s so embarrassing and so I isolate from friends so that I hide from the truth (they want to tell me)
I can’t stand it when they say what they say
No matter what people say, it just hurts more – and I still can’t get out
I made idle threats
I disappoint everybody
That’s why people relapse - I almost did
I’m accepting nothing – I’m trying to change things I can’t control – wasting all my energy on it
I stay with my using boyfriend and accept more humiliation and pain out of the fear that I’m ugly and will remain alone without him
Don’t listen to my gut feeling – ignored it, made some excuse when he trolled for girls on craigslist, dating website
When agitated I “must” immediately send mean emails

Why should we expose ourselves to humiliation and disrespect, rejection, lies, and betrayal?
I don’t know how to say and feel NO
I don’t know how not to feel guilty about boundaries
No hope, no faith or confidence that my life can get better – don’t know what to believe, which feeling to trust
Biggest fear: there is no way out, nothing is ever gonna change – so I might as well stay
Goal: recognize red flags, i.e. he relapsed and I’m still trying to make it work
What is the truth?

Meditation: Imagine dabbling in a fresh clear mountain creek and also being the water in this lovely little creek. Your consciousness is like this water, eternally flowing through. Let go of the need to interfere and build dams. Listen to the water. Listen to the wind. Give yourself permission to be happy today. You don’t have a problem. You’re just dealing with life, the end result of millions of years of water and wind. It’s not your fault. You’re just in it. Let go. Let it be…
Have a lovely weekend! You can do it!